MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

74jax

ALI1973 wrote: »

The decision is do I go with DH? or do I remain at home to support my children? - DH says he will resent me if I don't go, whereas, I feel guilty about leaving my children to grieve on their own? - I know it shouldn't be about me - but I feel it's been foisted upon me to choose between my husband and my children.

He will RESENT you????

duchy wrote: »

If your children haven't seen her in four years then they are grieving because you have told them they should be upset - You've created this situation .

If you are matter of a fact and tell the children that yes it is sad - but as they hadn't seen her in so long there isn't any reason for them to be super sad or to attend the funeral but you and Dad are going and the best way they can help Dad who is extra sad because he has lost his Mum is to be good for the friends who are looking after them whilst you look after Dad.

There really isn't any need for drama or to feel your nose is put out of joint.

A brilliant post.

ALI1973

74jax wrote: »

He will RESENT you????
.

resent
rɪˈzɛnt/Submit
verb
feel bitterness or indignation at (a circumstance, action, or person).
"she resented the fact that I had children"
synonyms: begrudge, feel aggrieved at/about, feel bitter about, grudge, be annoyed at/about, be angry at/about, be resentful of, dislike, be displeased at/about, take exception to, object to, be offended by, take amiss, take offence at, take umbrage at

cte1111

I'm glad you've managed not to take offence Ali, it is a tough situation but it sounds like you've been able to decide what's best. I wish you and your family all the best.

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

I can see now that my not wanting to attend the wake, is because I do not feel welcome in the family, and this is probably because of the choice we made for the children to stop visiting (please bear in mind when judging me that we were not offered shelter at the siblings homes and there is no hotels locally, and staying with MIL in her state was a no-go) that we have somewhat alienated ourselves.

This maybe explains why you want the children to be there. Do you feel guilty that you stopped them visiting and feel the way to make up for this would be for them to attend?

It is completely understandable why you stopped children visiting a relative who did not know who they were, there is no reason to feel guilty due to that.

Brighton_belle

I certainly wouldn't judge you for stopping your visits to your m-in-law: sounds a very sensible decision and one that is actually recommended if dementia leaves someone distressed and worse from a visit where they don't recognise anyone - a very distressing thing for you all to go through.


It will be tough at the wake given there is some 'history'. But you have done nothing wrong and you're going for all the right reasons. And your DH is probably dreading it too and you have made things a little more bearable for him by going. And once it's over it's over.
And I think you have responded well to people disagreeing with you.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

This maybe explains why you want the children to be there. Do you feel guilty that you stopped them visiting and feel the way to make up for this would be for them to attend?

It is completely understandable why you stopped children visiting a relative who did not know who they were, there is no reason to feel guilty due to that.

No I don't feel guilty about them not visiting, it was distressing for MIL and for them, I have always made sure that we talk abut Grandma, and although they have not seen her, we have kept her very much in our lives.

I just believe that they are old enough to choose if they wanted to pay their last respects, and am afraid it never occurred to me that they would be refused.

Andypandyboy

ALI1973 wrote: »

Thank you all, your input is most valuable.

Armorica - isn't - sorry typing too fast and not reading before posting.

You are all right, that I do feel that my family has been disrespected and I have taken it personally. I do believe that children have a place in the funeral/grieving process should they and their parents wish for it to be. But as you have all stated, FIL has made that decision and I have to live with that - and I shall.

I can see now that my not wanting to attend the wake, is because I do not feel welcome in the family, and this is probably because of the choice we made for the children to stop visiting (please bear in mind when judging me that we were not offered shelter at the siblings homes and there is no hotels locally, and staying with MIL in her state was a no-go) that we have somewhat alienated ourselves.

And I shall suck it up and go with DH and support him as best I can. I can see reading through, how selfish I may appear, I am not generally this way.

I thank each and everyone who has posted, it really has helped clarify for me, and although I shall never view DH's family favourably again, it has made me see that I need to offer more support to DH.

I think you have made the right decision for all concerned.

I do wonder though if you have been a bit harsh on the siblings. It seems as if the illness was a long standing one, and that being the case I think it is a lot to expect anyone to put up a family of 5 every few weeks for a weekend. You say there are no local hotels, but unless she lived in the middle of nowhere I can't see that being the case. I can see expense might have been an issue but I think putting that onto the family is a bit unfair.

I do think that this might be a time to move forward and mend fences. As LIR says extended family can be a blessing for children, don't close that door for them.

ALI1973

cte1111 wrote: »

I'm glad you've managed not to take offence Ali, it is a tough situation but it sounds like you've been able to decide what's best. I wish you and your family all the best.

No offence to be taken, I asked for perspective - I got it. Sometimes we need a bit of tough love,

Marktheshark

The Grandchildren are direct blood relatives, I would put my foot down or stay away.

Too much of this no kids snobbery about, funerals are for relatives first.
Blood is always thicker than water.

Torry_Quine

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Not strange to me at all. My family believe that funerals are not appropriate for children and, in accordance with my Mum's wishes, I will not be taking our son to my Nan's cremation in a week or two's time. She is the primary person grieving, and I am taking her feelings into consideration.

On the other hand, we did take our son to his paternal Grandfather's funeral service (Catholic) a couple of years ago, it was expected that he should attend. This just shows how different families have different ideas.

I agree families are different but I had thought the idea of children not going to funerals had stopped long ago. Obviously not for some.

iammumtoone wrote: »

I am sorry but see can't how children of that age will be upset about not attending a funeral. Funerals are not a fun event. At that age I also don't see how they themselves would put together the connection you are so worried about of them paying their respects, unless they have been told (by you?) that it is bad manners they are not going to pay their respects they would not think anything about it, especially for a person they have not seen/spoken to for four years. They will be much better off staying with friends for the day and visiting the grave afterwards if they really want to.

You mention you have been told not to take them but everyone else can take their children? I can't see what you mean by this it seems as family members like yourselves have been told no children, the only other people likely to attend are distant friends who read of the date in the local paper - people attending in those circumstances will not be taking children with them, that would be rude and disrespectful. The only funerals I have been to where children are present are family members and invited guests, non invited guests who attend do not bring children along with them.

Why wouldn't someone who sees the notice in the paper take their children?