MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

ALI1973

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I think you have made the right decision for all concerned.

I do wonder though if you have been a bit harsh on the siblings. It seems as if the illness was a long standing one, and that being the case I think it is a lot to expect anyone to put up a family of 5 every few weeks for a weekend. You say there are no local hotels, but unless she lived in the middle of nowhere I can't see that being the case. I can see expense might have been an issue but I think putting that onto the family is a bit unfair.

I do think that this might be a time to move forward and mend fences. As LIR says extended family can be a blessing for children, don't close that door for them.

Sorry, just to clarify. The nearest hotel is 45 mins away (travel lodge), I would never have expected them to put us up every weekend, but although we have previously, accommodated them and their families the offer was never even muted as an option, despite eldest SIL having a 5 bed house and all children left home, but as I say, we didn't expect it - more part of the reasoning for why DH went solo.

iammumtoone

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Why wouldn't someone who sees the notice in the paper take their children?

because the people who see notices in the paper are not generally that close to the deceased otherwise they would have been invited by the family. If they are not that close then their children wouldn't be either. It is a nice gesture for adults to turn up at funeral to pay their respects and something the family appreciate but why would someone in those circumstances take children? As said before funerals are not nice occasions, why would someone take a child who is not close/related to the deceased.

onlyroz

I also don't really understand why FIL doesn't want the children there, and I don't see a problem in principle with children of these ages going to a funeral. If they'd have been younger then I could see that it might not be appropriate - my own kids didn't attend my FIL's funeral (at age 1 and 4 at the time) but did go to the wake where they were very welcome. Also, as others have said, a funeral is a public service and anybody has the right to attend.

Having said all of the above, if you respect your FIL then you should also probably respect his wishes even if you don't understand them. He might not be in the right mind at the moment and may well be finding it difficult to cope.

Torry_Quine

iammumtoone wrote: »

because the people who see notices in the paper are not generally that close to the deceased otherwise they would have been invited by the family. If they are not that close then their children wouldn't be either. It is a nice gesture for adults to turn up at funeral to pay their respects and something the family appreciate but why would someone in those circumstances take children? As said before funerals are not nice occasions, why would someone take a child who is not close/related to the deceased.

They could well have been close to the deceased but moved away for instance and the bereaved may not in their grief be in touch. I always went to funerals with my parents whoever it was for. There are usually people at funerals who have found out from the notice in the paper but that doesn't have to mean they weren't close

lostinrates

ALI1973 wrote: »

Sorry, just to clarify. The nearest hotel is 45 mins away (travel lodge), I would never have expected them to put us up every weekend, but although we have previously, accommodated them and their families the offer was never even muted as an option, despite eldest SIL having a 5 bed house and all children left home, but as I say, we didn't expect it - more part of the reasoning for why DH went solo.

There is no point rehashing old stuff, but after a long trip forty five minutes to base a stay for a family long weekend where DH could have slipped off and you could all have had family meal with other relatives during a half term/ Easter or some such isn't the end of the world at all. Or there would almost certainly have been B and B options, and had you become closer maybe that family door have opened.

There is obviously some other misgiving here prior to the funeral business and this explains why you are upset, but if you really feel what you said about grandparents and family, out it behind you, build fences and hope that any fences that need patching can be patched, for your husband and children both.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is go along and say nothing, but just hold his hand.

bossymoo

Marktheshark wrote: »

The Grandchildren are direct blood relatives, I would put my foot down or stay away.

Too much of this no kids snobbery about, funerals are for relatives first.
Blood is always thicker than water.

I think OP said they were step-grandparents, although I might have misread that.

duchy

bossymoo wrote: »

I think OP said they were step-grandparents, although I might have misread that.

I read the comment that the husband had known his mother longer than her husband had to mean he was his step father too. That would mean the grandmother is a direct blood relative but I don't think that makes any difference.

I will say I am saddened by the posts telling the OP to ignore her FILs wishes and how she had a "right" to take the kids regardless of the expressed wish of her FIL. No respect for the grieving widower at all.

Marktheshark

Respect is two way to think you have a right to demand actual blood relatives stay away is not just disrespectful it is insulting to the relatives.
Wishes don't really come in to it, you earn respect by showing it to others.

Savvy_Sue

Well, you seem to be coming to terms with this now.

ALI1973 wrote: »

I am going to respect his wish and not take the children, although I totally disagree with this.

It is only my children who have been told they can't go as the obituary is an open invite, so in theory, other peoples children COULD turn up.

Is that likely though? Did he know or regularly have contact with other children?

duchy wrote: »

Seriously ?

You are suggesting the OP stomps over everyone else's wishes because hers come first ......at a funeral ?

Just pointing out the possibilities. Said it probably wasn't what I would do.

ALI1973 wrote: »

I guess I hoped that there was something I hadn't thought of that would magically allow me to be both a support to my kids and to my DH without me feeling like I am failing at both roles.

Nothing magical, no, but making sure your children have the resilience to deal with stuff like this and not passing on YOUR upsetness might be worthwhile.

For example, your DD asks who to go to if she's upset at school that day, it's not hard to find out, is it? but be fairly matter of fact about it, kind of assume that she won't be upset, treat it as a normal day, you WILL be home later the same day, so what's the problem?

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I think your children, given the opportunity, will find ways to cope on the day of the funeral, be it friends, supportive teaching staff etc. This could be an opportunity for growth and discovering how to cope. They will not fall apart. (And to be honest, if they did, they will discover that the world does not end and they have inner resources that will help then to find ways to get through it.)

Exactly.

ALI1973 wrote: »

I don't feel I am making it about me, more that I am the one left having to choose between supporting my hubby OR my children, that isn't me making it about me.

It's all well and good saying the kids will be fine, but what if they're not? - it will be me who has to live with the repercussions of that, you see.

What repercussions? I've said it before, I'll no doubt say it again, our responsibility as parents is to teach our children "life is hard, life is tough, deal with it."

You get back and all three of them are howling with grief because they didn't get a chance to say goodbye, you say "yes, that's a shame, but there's nothing to be done about it now, remember we're going to do X to say our own goodbyes, now would you like some hot chocolate before bed?" or something similarly matter of fact.

ALI1973 wrote: »

I know when I was younger and upset I wanted my mum, my children are no different, that's what mums do, make things better.

But you can't always have your mum, she can't always make things better, and your children are old enough to understand this. Life is hard, life is tough, deal with it.

ALI1973 wrote: »

I do want to go, I also want to support MY family in its entirety, but can't - it's the who do I let down I am struggling with.

Stop seeing it as letting them down.

And anyway, please tell me that this isn't the first time you've had to make a choice between what your DH wants and what your children want?

BTW I find it incredible that there are NO hotels where you could have stayed on visits. Nowhere you can get to and from in a day is that isolated. I can appreciate that a hotel might not have been a practical / convenient / cost-effective solution on visits, especially with the ages of the children when MIL was first diagnosed.

And I can understand that not being offered accommodation by SILs was annoying, but if you didn't discuss it at the time you don't know why that was.

And I can believe that there isn't a convenient cinema now.

But not that there wasn't anywhere to stay.

Savvy_Sue

Brighton_belle wrote: »

And I think you have responded well to people disagreeing with you.

Agreed. Not always the case!