MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

ALI1973

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I really really want you to go with your husband and support him, with a willing heart.

I do to, but I am really struggling with my own conscience about my children. They have had no grandparents really for the last 6 years, no family who can step in to help support them in my absence only friends, whom I love dearly, but it's no substitute for family. I feel so damn guilty that they only really have me and DH, I can't bear the thought that they will feel abandoned by me.

duchy

Abandoned ? You are going for the day and not even staying overnight- Get a grip !!!

I was also thinking it sounds like you have serious attachment issues or you simply don't want to go and your husband wants you to. You haven't even bothered going to see your MIL yourself in years -which makes all this somewhat out of proportion.

I did wonder if FIL doesn't want the kids there because they haven't been to see MIL in years anyway and he either resents it or (possibly rightly) believes they didn't really know her - four years is an awfully long time in a child's life.

ALI1973

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

If it were me and I felt this way, I'd be asking myself if, deep down, I was:

a) looking for a reason not to go, or
b) needed my children there primarily for my own benefit to help me cope (perhaps to not be left alone at any point or maybe to provide an exit strategy?)

Both of those would be perfectly valid feelings.

Because otherwise, in the kindest way of suggesting this, I think this is a wee bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

I will ponder more on this, but I KNOW that if my children were coming that I would not be posting here.

ALI1973

duchy wrote: »

Abandoned ? You are going for the day and not even staying overnight- Get a grip !!!

I was also thinking it sounds like you have serious attachment issues or you simply don't want to go and your husband wants you to.

Bad choice of word perhaps and yes no doubt right now I do need to get a grip.

I know when I was younger and upset I wanted my mum, my children are no different, that's what mums do, make things better.

I do want to go, I also want to support MY family in its entirety, but can't - it's the who do I let down I am struggling with.

Brighton_belle

I appreciate this feels a very painful choice.


Would you consider a discussion with your children where you explain daddy grief, and you can't look after them all.
They need a chance to show you are all a team, and they can choose to cope in the name of supporting someone else.
Your eldest is only 2 years off from going to college, being able to marry, join the army etc.
Yes your children may be upset, but what is the worst that can happen?
You are not abandoning them. Are they really going to be catatonic with hysterical grief not to be at the funeral, with a terrible terrible long term fallout?

splishsplash

ALI1973 wrote: »

I do to, but I am really struggling with my own conscience about my children. They have had no grandparents really for the last 6 years, no family who can step in to help support them in my absence only friends, whom I love dearly, but it's no substitute for family. I feel so damn guilty that they only really have me and DH, I can't bear the thought that they will feel abandoned by me.

You and your children are relative strangers to your MIL's side of the family. Your children have not had a relationship with your MIL for years, so without meaning to sound harsh, what is it exactly they are going to be so upset about on the day of the funeral??
I can understand them feeling sad about not having had a great granny/grandchild relationship, but they really didn't really know her, so can't exactly mourn her as a person?

On the other hand, your OH has lost his mother. He has been watching her fail and decline over the past number of years, without you or the children to support him in the long journeys and no doubt difficult visits. He is now asking for your support for one day.

No brainer, really. Your children will be fine, your husband will not. Your support for him should be full and unstinting and given with good grace.

elsien

Your kids have lost a grandparent who although they loved, they've not seen for four years. Your husband has lost his mum. The woman who brought him up and presumably meant as much to him as your kids do to you.
In the scale of who most needs your support in their grief, your husband has suffered a far greater loss. In his place I'd feel hugely let down by a partner who wouldn't support me in this situation,

bossymoo

It's one day, will it really be any different for them the day before, or the day after? They only know the day of the funeral if you tell them.

I don't think they are creating this "issue" I think you are. It doesn't have to be a problem. They will not be scarred for life missing the funeral of an old woman they haven't seen in years. Honestly, they won't.

Bigger picture here: every 22 minutes, a child under the age of 16 in the UK loses a parent or carer. The real majority of these children come through this.

Your children will manage. It's one day.

Better_Days

OP I am really struggling to understand your perspective on this.

It seems simple to me. Clearly your DH needs your support much more than your children atm as his loss is much the greater, and not only that your DH has expressed a clear wish for you to go with him to the funeral.

You have met your children's needs already by kindly explaining to them the situation. You can have your own remembrance ceremony with the children as you deem appropriate. You are not abandoning or letting them down at all, the funeral will probably be on a school day, you can explain to their teachers the situation and they can deal with it as necessary. If they are upset, that is OK too, but you do not have to be there to deal with it. You cannot always be there to rescue your children from any potential upset. That is not letting them down, that is life, and it is nothing to feel guilty about. You clearly care deeply for the wellbeing of your children, but don't let it blind you to your husbands needs.

I do wonder if there is something else going on here, was there an incident in your childhood which is bringing back memories of being let down or abandoned and you are transferring this unconsciously to your children? Your response to the situation seems to be a bit out of proportion.

In the long run I think you are risking real harm to your relationship with your husband with all this drama and dithering. It is your husbands needs which are most important atm. And don't forget, your children will probably feel some of the fallout if your relationship with your husband does deteriorate if you don't support his perfectly reasonable request with good grace.

Tigsteroonie

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It does seem strange that he wouldn't want all the family around him.

I went to my grandparent's funeral when I was 9 and my sibling was 7 so not allowing children is a new one on me.

Not strange to me at all. My family believe that funerals are not appropriate for children and, in accordance with my Mum's wishes, I will not be taking our son to my Nan's cremation in a week or two's time. She is the primary person grieving, and I am taking her feelings into consideration.

On the other hand, we did take our son to his paternal Grandfather's funeral service (Catholic) a couple of years ago, it was expected that he should attend. This just shows how different families have different ideas.