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MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

edited 7 January 2015 at 7:33PM in Deaths, Funerals & Probate
211 replies 22.6K views
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  • edited 7 January 2015 at 7:42PM
    ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    edited 7 January 2015 at 7:42PM
    BobQ wrote: »
    OP, sorry to be blunt but you should tell DH to act like a man and take his children to the crematorium. FIL can stop them going in any funeral car but DH should travel independently with you and your children. He cannot stop them attending the service.

    As to the wake, if that is at their home or in a private function room he is hiring he can stop them attending, in which case DH should explain that he will not attend either. If it is in the open area of a pub it is up to the landlord to exclude people not FIL.

    Frankly I do not think he will create a scene in front of others. If he does you should all leave as a family. Your DH may have divided loyalties but he needs to stand up for his children's right to pay their respects.

    In a way I do agree with you, but as you say it would have to be DH's decision to go against the families wishes, and he won't do that.

    I feel the siblings could have helped convince FIL that not permitting our children to attend is wrong.
  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I do too, I have never encountered a funeral before that banned certain people from it, this is a new one on me.

    Personally, I accept that upon death the ones left behind don't cope for a while, so I'm not sure that them not being there will really make a difference either way?

    It does seem strange that he wouldn't want all the family around him.

    I went to my grandparent's funeral when I was 9 and my sibling was 7 so not allowing children is a new one on me.

    Recently I was at the funeral of a friend who died young and there were young children there and it helped to ease the tension at times.
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  • ArmoricaArmorica Forumite
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    Take the kids up with you and drop them at the cinema with some money to watch a film or two while you do the funeral stuff with DH. Then, with kids, have your own mini-memorial up there in a park or something (or visit the crematorium with them after the rest of the family have left...)
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    It does seem strange that he wouldn't want all the family around him.

    I went to my grandparent's funeral when I was 9 and my sibling was 7 so not allowing children is a new one on me.

    Recently I was at the funeral of a friend who died young and there were young children there and it helped to ease the tension at times.

    This is my experience also, and my children are aware how to behave at a funeral (sadly).

    I do accept that we have to adhere to his wishes, I really hoped there was a compromise that I hadn't thought of that would allow everyone's wishes to be respected. Sadly not.
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    Armorica wrote: »
    Take the kids up with you and drop them at the cinema with some money to watch a film or two while you do the funeral stuff with DH. Then, with kids, have your own mini-memorial up there in a park or something (or visit the crematorium with them after the rest of the family have left...)

    Thank you for the suggestion, where they live is large enough for a cinema or such, and tbh I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them unsupervised. I do appreciate the suggestion though.
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  • VikipollardVikipollard Forumite
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    I think her DH needs to go to the wake as part of his grieving process.



    I'm not sure I agree - it seems more that he feels it would be disrespectful if he(they) didn't attend the wake.


    Unless I am reading it totally wrong, FIL has stipulated the terms of everything for the funeral (not allowed own flowers, not allowed to mention memories that don't include everyone, not allowed to take the children, must attend the wake). Whose grieving process is this addressing? Would not appear to be the son's - who let's not forget has lost his Mum.


    To me, attending the wake would be about duty, not the son's grieving process.
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  • It does seem strange that he wouldn't want all the family around him.
    Sadly, I don't think he regards them as family - remember he hasn't seen them for 4 years and didn't feel able to speak to them on the phone during that time. Therefore it is a logical extension that he doesn't want these 'strangers' around him at this time.
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  • SystemSystem
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    When my Stepfather died my Mother totally refused to tell my Stepfathers daughter because she really didn't want her to come. The daughter lived in a care home as she was mentally retarded and she said she wouldn't have understood anyway. To this day I don't know if she knows what happened to her Dad or in fact, if she remembers him.

    I felt at the time my Mother was making the wrong selfish decision but she was his wife and I accepted her decision (even if I thought it was the wrong one).

    Personally I was about 9 when my Granddad died. I didn't go to the funeral. It was the right decision. Too many grown up emotions for a young child to deal with.

    To be honest I think your blowing this all up out of proportion. Unless there is good reason for him spiting your family, I'd let it go. Actually, if there was good reason, I'd still let it go.
  • theEndtheEnd Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    tbh I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them unsupervised

    At 9, 13 & 14?

    That seemed the best suggestion to me.
  • VikipollardVikipollard Forumite
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    gwynlas wrote: »
    I don't know the age of you MIL & FIL but it certainly wasn't the done thing for children to attend funerals in the 50's & 60's and I wasn't allowed to go to that of a favoured aunt. More recently my great nephew attended the church service for his father at 8 but not the internment.



    Very good point above. Thinking back to when my Grandma died, my sister was 9 and I was 6. We lived 150 miles away and like you, had no family nearby. We came up as a family, but sis & I were shipped off to a friend of my Aunt's for the funeral/wake. Our half brother (age 19) was allowed to attend. At that age, I didn't question why we weren't going, though I was devastated at the loss of my Grandma. This was in the 1970s.


    Perhaps FIL is of the age where people fully expect no one will take children anyway, so has not felt the need to stipulate to anyone other than yourselves? No idea, just rambling...
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