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MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

edited 7 January 2015 at 8:33PM in Deaths, Funerals & Probate
211 replies 22.5K views
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  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    He's not - he just asking that they don't come to the funeral.

    We've had a cluster of deaths in the family the last couple of years and found that people don't behave rationally when they are grieving and I give anyone in that situation a lot of leeway.

    He may have a good reason - worried about being able to keep a stiff upper lip or having had a horrible experience as a child himself at a funeral - or it may be a totally irrational decision.

    I think I see where you are coming from, but it still feels like "my grief, trumps your grief" (that probably sounds harsh, not meant to be but hard to put in writing what I mean)
  • I would write FIL a letter or an email and gently put your side. If he does not respond I would go and leave the children at home and stay as long as my DH wanted/needed to stay. This is his mother and if he does not do what he thinks is right he may regret it/resent you.

    Then,
    given that FIL is step father, I would cut all contact until he contacted us.
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    I think I see where you are coming from, but it still feels like "my grief, trumps your grief" (that probably sounds harsh, not meant to be but hard to put in writing what I mean)

    It is his wife's funeral - his feelings are more important than anyone else's!
  • VikipollardVikipollard Forumite
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    Are your OH's sisters "full" sisters or "step"?


    Just wondering if this is in any way a factor.


    I accept people grieve in different ways - many selfishly, without thought for how this will impact on others. It's not okay.


    If it was me, I would attend to say my goodbyes to the MIL you were close to, and to support DH. I wouldn't go to the wake though (either of you). You have been given a perfect reason not to - you need to get back to your children as the wishes of FIL prevented them from being there.


    Then as the lovely post earlier suggested, have your own private celebration of her life with your family.


    Very sorry for your loss.
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  • cte1111cte1111 Forumite
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    I can understand why you are upset, families in general and in law in particular can be very hard work. However I don't think your children are being "denied the chance to mourn". They've probably already mourned the loss of their Gran in their own way, as they effectively lost her 4 years ago, since they've not seen her.

    It sounds like a good idea to have your own time of remembrance for your MIL with your children and then you can all choose to remember her at her best in your own time.

    We've had a number of family funerals in the last few years sadly, my children chose not to attend any of them, which on the whole I thought was OK. The first funeral was for my Aunt, who died early and was very close to me. I would have found that funeral even more difficult if my children had been there, as I would have not felt able to cope with the extra pressure of them possibly seeing me upset as well as coping with their feelings. Without children there, I was able to allow myself to feel sad about my loss, with the support of family and friends, without having to concentrate on my children, who would otherwise have to be my main focus.
  • DUTRDUTR Forumite
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    Could the kids be shipped off to their other grandparents for a visit, including overnight? Leaving you and your OH to attend without pressures of returning - and without leaving first/early from the wake?

    You're turning into a bit of an "all about me" person otherwise. Funeralzilla style.

    Which was the impression I was picking up.
  • edited 7 January 2015 at 8:37PM
    ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    edited 7 January 2015 at 8:37PM
    Could the kids be shipped off to their other grandparents for a visit, including overnight? Leaving you and your OH to attend without pressures of returning - and without leaving first/early from the wake?

    You're turning into a bit of an "all about me" person otherwise. Funeralzilla style.

    I'm afraid my dad died ten years ago, and my mother is unable to look after them, so it's friends we will have to rely on and could not expect them to stay overnight.

    You're right I am very conscious I am sounding as though its about me, it's really not, and I am trying to be rational. My child has just asked who they go to at school on the day of the funeral if they are upset, and it breaks my heart that I cannot support my own kids and my hubby together.
  • edited 3 January 2015 at 6:53PM
    Brighton_belleBrighton_belle Forumite
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    edited 3 January 2015 at 6:53PM
    Your youngest who is now 9 hasn't seen their grandmother since they were 5, so where is their deep need to say goodbye coming from?
    Me and my siblings were not allowed at our grandmothers funeral, age 18,16 and 12 at our grandfathers insistence. No one acted insulted and my parents both went without us.
    I think there would be greater value in you holding your own little ceremony at home for the children and sharing stories about grandma. I've learnt far more about mine in the many years since.
    I think you should go to the wake (and funeral) and support your husband - make it about him not you.
    That isn't meant to not acknowledge this feels difficult for you and that 4 years ago effectively, you lost someone you were close to.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • ALI1973ALI1973 Forumite
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    I really don't think you should take the children. Now you know the FIL's wishes, what could that seem like - spite? I don't think you want that kind of misinterpretation at such a time.

    FIL is probably saying no to all children. If he lets yours in, he'll have to let in others and they may not be so well behaved or need specific arrangements made for them that he just isn't up to at the moment. Just like weddings.

    I am going to respect his wish and not take the children, although I totally disagree with this.

    It is only my children who have been told they can't go as the obituary is an open invite, so in theory, other peoples children COULD turn up.
  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    ALI1973 wrote: »
    *This is a nice idea, think we will do that.

    I know I should just suck it up, but I am finding it really hard not to feel resentful, and this worries me, in so much, that if asked why the children aren't there I am likely to launch into a tirade, which would be inappropriate.

    I guess I just don't understand why anyone would actively deny another persons right to mourn?

    It does seem strange to deny grandchildren to go to the funeral of a grandparent but we can act illogically when grieving.:(

    Is it possible to ask him the reason and see if you can allay any fears he has?
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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