MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

Mojisola

ALI1973 wrote: »

I have spoken to DH and said that I will go and be quiet for him, but that, as he is pall bearer, that I would like proper directions to the Crematorium (he said just follow the hearse!), that I need to know where I am to sit in the Chapel as I do not know if he will be expected to sit with his siblings and I will then be alone, and what time we will be leaving the wake.

Haven't his siblings got partners? Why wouldn't you sit with them (which may be next to their partners or in the row behind if the first row is just for blood relations).

ALI1973

Mojisola wrote: »

Haven't his siblings got partners? Why wouldn't you sit with them (which may be next to their partners or in the row behind if the first row is just for blood relations).

Because I am not confident of the etiquette, things I had taken as a given, have proved not to be iyswim? I am guessing that the partners will choose to sit with their children - hence me on my own, what if I sit somewhere that I wasn't supposed to?

Mojisola

ALI1973 wrote: »

Because I am not confident of the etiquette, things I had taken as a given, have proved not to be iyswim? I am guessing that the partners will choose to sit with their children - hence me on my own, what if I sit somewhere that I wasn't supposed to?

The funeral directors will usually manage where people sit although, apart from keeping a couple of rows for the family, it's usually a case of go-where-you-want.

Why wouldn't you sit with the other partners and their children?

ALI1973

Mojisola wrote: »

The funeral directors will usually manage where people sit although, apart from keeping a couple of rows for the family, it's usually a case of go-where-you-want.

Why wouldn't you sit with the other partners and their children?

Thank you, we have always been together when attending funerals, and other than my fathers, it has sadly been friends so different etiquette.

Because I do not feel welcome by them.

iammumtoone

oh dear I know its difficult but I think you need to step back and look at the issues one by one to sort out what is unreasonable or not, at the moment you just seem to have it in your head that whatever is said is unreasonable.

being reminded that the children can't go was uncalled for, you have been told this, you are hardly likely to forget, understandable you would be upset by this remark

You are correct to be told just follow the hearse is not good enough but you do not need to be spoon fed directions, just google the postcode of the Crematorium and use the satnav, if you don't have one I am sure you know someone you could borrow one from for the day.

You do also not need to know where you have to sit, it is unfair to ask your husband this question when he is already stressed with it all. Sit where ever you feel most comfortable, if it was me I would sit on the same row as the your Oh siblings partners, you do not have to sit next to them. It doesn't matter if you are alone the service will not last long then you will be back with your OH if you think you may get upset it might be best to be on your own rather than with people you don't know very well (that's what I would prefer)

I agree you are asking too much to put a time limit on the wake, it is his mothers funeral not a shopping trip. I appreciate that you have to get back to the children but their father will reconise this as well and you have to trust him that he himself will make the decision when to leave in time to get back for them.

ALI1973

iammumtoone wrote: »

oh dear I know it difficult I think you need to step back and look at the issues one by one to sort out what is unreasinable or not, at the moment you just seem to have it in your head that whatever is said is unreasonable.

being reminded that the children can't go was uncalled for, you have been told that you are hardly likely to forget, understandable you would be upset by this remark

You are correct just follow the hearse is not good enough but you do not need to be spoon fed directions, just google the postcode of the Crematorium and use the satnav if you don't have one I am sure you know someone you could borrow one from for the day.

You do also not need to know where you have to sit, it is unfair to ask your husband this question when he is already stressed with it all. Sit where ever you feel most comfortable, if it was me I would sit on the same row as the your Oh siblings partners, you do not have to sit next to them. It doesn't matter if you are alone the service will not last long then you will be back with your OH if you think you may get upset it might be best to be on your own rather than with people you dont know very well (thats what I would prefer)

I agree you are asking too much to put a time limit on the wake, it is his mother funeral not a shopping trip. I appreciate that you have to get back to the children but their father will reconise this as well and you have to trust him that he himself will make the decision when to leave in time to get back for them.

Yes we have a sat nav.

I don't mind being on my own, I had suggested I sat at the back out of the way, but this was not acceptable, so I would just like to know if DH will be placing the coffin and sitting with me or where I am to sit that won't be viewed a taking a "family" seat. DH is a go with flow kind, I am however a planner, and I do not wish to have any kind of conversation with the inlaws that could be construed as argumentative for DH's sake.

He feels the children will be ok, and will not think about the imposition we are already putting on friends, and although I do not want to upset him, I feel I need to tell our friends when they can expect us to collect the children.

Mojisola

ALI1973 wrote: »

He feels the children will be ok, and will not think about the imposition we are already putting on friends, and although I do not want to upset him, I feel I need to tell our friends when they can expect us to collect the children.

He's probably right.

If I was looking after someone's children while they went to an open-ended occasion like a funeral and wake, I wouldn't expect to be given a set time for collection.

I'd perhaps ask that the parents rang me when they were setting off for home so I'd have a rough idea when to expect them home but nothing more exact.

KxMx

ALI1973 wrote: »

He feels the children will be ok, and will not think about the imposition we are already putting on friends, and although I do not want to upset him, I feel I need to tell our friends when they can expect us to collect the children.

I totally understand that, but equally I am sure your friends will understand it's a funeral and wake not a theatre show, and you will not be sure of pick up time.

Friends help each other out there doesn't need to be all this stressing about it. Your DH isn't, sounds like your friends aren't, so ask yourself why you are and is that reasonable?

iammumtoone

ALI1973 wrote: »

I don't mind being on my own, I had suggested I sat at the back out of the way, but this was not acceptable, so I would just like to know if DH will be placing the coffin and sitting with me or where I am to sit that won't be viewed a taking a "family" seat. DH is a go with flow kind, I am however a planner, and I do not wish to have any kind of conversation with the inlaws that could be construed as argumentative for DH's sake.

I can see your point however your OH will not know the answer to this, I doubt anyone will at this stage. I am a "planner" as well so understand why you want to know exactly what is happening but in these situations when everyone is dealing with their own grief they don't have the time or inclination to think of these things in advance. I think this is one occasion you will just have to wait until the day and hopefully things will become clearer. Will the cars be leaving from your MILs house this is normally the time when these things are resolved whilst you are all waiting for the cars to arrive before you can leave, you can ask the question then if you like hopefully someone will say you can sit with them (if thats what you want)

NobodysChild

Read through quite a bit of this thread now, and I have to say that if it were me, I would go with your DH and take your children. It seems very unreasonable that your FIL has made a point of saying they can't go, especially when they want to. And also I think your DH's family sound very rude and controlling, and it sounds like they may be part of the reason for your FIL not wanting your kids there.

What a strange situation. I have never heard anything like it. It's not like you and your DH and his parents haven't spoken for 20 years, and your kids never met them!

What is the worst that can happen if you take the kids? Just say you couldn't find anyone to look after them, and that you all wanted to come to the funeral anyway.

And yes, the brother ringing to remind your DH that the kids cannot come sounds VERY strange to me. Very power-crazy.

I would go, and take them too. I know many people are against this idea, but I would; especially after your last few posts OP.

And would it be the worst thing in the world if they took umbrage and decided to snub you from now on? You don't interact much anyway, any of you.