I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

farmerboy

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I don't agree with that statement either - I haven't noticed anyone advise the OP to ditch him.

He sounds like a decent bloke and they desperately need to work at things, before getting married as a wedding certificate is not going to solve the simmering issues

It was a general observation abouf the forums, not necessarily this thread

ozma83

MissHope - I am sending you a huge hug. I saw SO MUCH of myself in your story. SO MUCH. I have been with my bf for 7 years, ad a few days ago spent a whole night crying because I'm scared about the future for very similar reasons as yours (and I also have anxiety and depression...) I felt like I was reading my story in your post - PM me if you want, I'd be happy to talk to you. Perhaps we can help each other? xx

FBaby

Has he ever confided in you how much he feels under pressure not to upset his family? If not, do you think he would if you brought him to do so? You understandbly rely on him to support you emotionally, is this a one direction think, or does he feel that he can also share what stresses him and make him feel anxious with you? It might be that he is worried that by doing so it is going to aggrevate your feelings and therefore holds it in, but by doing so, he is struggling inside. He sounds like a lovely man who wants to please, so that would be a typical outcome.

This could also explain the sex thing. If he is anxious and keeping things because he thinks that is the way to protect those he loves, it might very well explain his lack of libido. I have read that the two are often linked.

Just throwing some ideas. I think you have a very close relationship and one that will last but he needs to find his place amongst what is his family. For most people, it is not easy to discharge your parents when you have had a lifetime of closeness with them (however healthy it is or not). What you need to work on before getting married is sharing how you feel deep inside with each other. That's full commitment and what marriage is all about.

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

Hello. I have been inspired to write this post after reading Tayforth’s journey (thank you, Tayforth). I too am a long-time user of the MSE forums (though a relative newcomer to this board) but have registered using a new name to post this as a few people in real life know my original username and I would prefer if they did not make the connection.


I am going round in circles on a personal matter and it’s making me ill, so I am hoping some objective advice (or opinions) will help me reach the right decision.



Ok, here goes:

I have been in a relationship with my OH for six years and we are due to get married in a few months. Everything is paid for and all the preparations are fully underway. I should be happy, but I’m not.
I feel like I should be happy, though and that something’s wrong with me. I am not a victim of abuse. He is a decent, kind man who has looked after me through some really rough patches. He spoils me on my birthday and Christmas and pulls his weight around the house. We do bicker frequently and increasingly the bickering is turning into quite nasty arguments, with both of us sometimes swearing and name-calling. This isn’t something I’ve ever done before and I hate it, and myself. I’m not even sure why it happens but it is getting worse.



Our arguments are often about the same things, one of which is our sex life. Sorry to be so frank but we are lucky if we are intimate weekly – it’s more usual for it to be fortnightly but we frequently go a month or more without sex. I find it hard to initiate sex because I lack self esteem but on most of the occasions where I do, he turns me down, saying he’s tired or has some ailment. This is the same whether we’re getting on well or bickering – he says he just doesn’t feel the need and it’d be the same whoever he was with but I feel hideous, rejected and very frustrated. He is, however, very affectionate and we constantly cuddle, hold hands and exchange ‘I love yous’.


I suffer from anxiety and depression and so I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and I’m grateful that he still wants to be with me but he’s forever promising me things will change, including with our sex life – yet they don’t. He’s also done things quite a few times (I’m being deliberately vague, just in case) which he knows will make me anxious and it’s got to the point where it’s made me ill before he fulfils his promise. I keep asking him why he does this and he says he doesn’t intend to hurt me but needs to do things in his own time (this is often a year or more of me being in limbo).


That aside, he’s my best friend (we were close friends for years before we became a couple) and I’ve always felt that every relationship has its problems so the above is worth sticking with and working through. Until last month, when his parents over-reacted to a joint guest list decision and announced they would not be coming to the wedding. They also chose to put the blame for the decision on me (easier for them, I guess) and so I have been banned from their house and they have launched a character assignation on me, accusing me of all sorts and generally bad-mouthing me.


My OH did deny the lies and did say the marriage would be going ahead but otherwise didn’t defend me. And he won’t, because he’s afraid if he says anything then they’ll cut him off too. My heart breaks for what they’re putting him through but I am also hurt that he will only defend me to a point. He left me over Christmas to go over there without me and it seems that will be our future once we’re married unless they change their mind at some point. I have tried so hard to just deal with my hurt for his sake but it’s triggered my anxiety, I’m not sleeping and it’s making me ill – my parents have commented how dreadful I look and how worried they are as I seem to be ‘going backwards’ health-wise. I don’t want him to not have a relationship with them but I do want him to say that, as his future wife, he won’t let them disrespect me: to know I come first. And I worry what the future will be like with all this strife in it with his family. What if we have children?


It’s made me doubt whether we should get married at all, and also brought up all those prior niggles, making me question everything. But I am 36 and so badly wanted to settle down and have a family and I worry that if I don’t go ahead I’ll lose my chance of a family and happiness. I am not very good at being on my own and I can’t see who else would want me. Plus everything is paid for and the rest of our friends and family are all looking forward to the wedding.

I apologise for the length of this post but would be grateful for your thoughts. Thank you.

He does things that he knows will make you anxious to the point of you being ill, because he has to do things in his own time even if you have to wait a year before its done?

This would be a major red flag to me

Arguing to the point where you are shouting and swearing at one another - sort out why or get external support

He won't defend you and he left you alone at Christmas to go over there?

Your worries about how your life would be if you didn't go ahead are valid, but honestly, reading this post from top to bottom, all I can say is if you want to work on the relationship work at it, but for goodness sake postpone the wedding or you might end up separated and divorced very soon after.

You should not be this miserable on the run up to a wedding, either of you.

FBaby

He does things that he knows will make you anxious to the point of you being ill, because he has to do things in his own time even if you have to wait a year before its done?

Possibly because it might make him feel ill inside too, but he is the sort of person who keeps it all inside so OP doesn't know it?

purpleshoes_2

FBaby wrote: »

Possibly because it might make him feel ill inside too, but he is the sort of person who keeps it all inside so OP doesn't know it?

We have no idea about why, there's too much the OP hasn't elaborated on in her opening post, either way, not doing something when you know its making someone else ill really isn't a sign of a positive relationship.

Way too many red flags in the opening post for me to be able to say to the OP walk up that aisle in a few months time, it really does sound like if they get married without at least some couples counselling it will be over very quickly afterwards.

He sounds miserable, she sounds miserable, they don't have a sex life. A wedding ring won't improve any of that.

MissHope

Thank you all for your comments. I am at a friend's at the moment but will reply to them all properly later.

Hugs back to you, Ozma83: I will most definitely PM you later today.

vulpix

This situation has two threads in my eyes.

Firstly the imposable situation your partner is in.He has stuck up for you.His mother is a controlling drama queen and he has disobeyed her.If he cuts her out he will also cut out his Dad and any other rellies.
OH supports you,he has not lost his patience with your anxiety.He sounds like a decent bloke stuck between the woman he loves and his dreadful mother.
My MiL is the same.Last summer she turned on me big style.My husband was in the same situation.He stood up to her for the first time EVER,he is 58.I cried for about a week,I was wounded to the quick.He had to continue contact with her.She is a widow,in a wheelchair and he is an only child.It took me a couple of months to get it into perspective.I could continue to cry and make my husband feel worse or Realize I was just the latest in a very long line of victims who had been cut off for no reason.

Secondly get help for the anxiety,depression and sleep deprivation ASAP. Feel better then evaluate your relationship.

Love to you,please feel better soon xxxx

duchy

I think this is the point.
If you change how you do things or your plans because of the mother's efforts to control your OH then she's getting the drama she wants -If you fail to react -what can they do ?

It'll be pretty obvious to the OP's future inlaws that the wedding is going ahead whether they attend or not .....and that the son's visits have become duty visits.

She has a track record of behaving like this......something you can be sure the rest of the family are aware of . Stop taking her mad accusations and behaviour personally -she's done it to other people too. You can't change how she chooses to behave but you have complete control over whether you allow it to damage your relationship or not.

Talk to your OH about how sad it is his Mum is trying to spoil the wedding -and reassure him you understand he can love his parents even if he doesn't like their behaviour.

Basically the less drama the sooner she'll quit the dramatics. So as far as possible you should both be ignoring the behaviour. Obviously if she starts slagging you off to him - he should find an excuse to curtail the visit. Suddenly remember something important he has to do........They'll soon get the message.

vulpix wrote: »

This situation has two threads in my eyes.

Firstly the imposable situation your partner is in.He has stuck up for you.His mother is a controlling drama queen and he has disobeyed her.If he cuts her out he will also cut out his Dad and any other rellies.
OH supports you,he has not lost his patience with your anxiety.He sounds like a decent bloke stuck between the woman he loves and his dreadful mother.
My MiL is the same.Last summer she turned on me big style.My husband was in the same situation.He stood up to her for the first time EVER,he is 58.I cried for about a week,I was wounded to the quick.He had to continue contact with her.She is a widow,in a wheelchair and he is an only child.It took me a couple of months to get it into perspective.I could continue to cry and make my husband feel worse or Realize I was just the latest in a very long line of victims who had been cut off for no reason.

Secondly get help for the anxiety,depression and sleep deprivation ASAP. Feel better then evaluate your relationship.

Love to you,please feel better soon xxxx

MissHope

duchy wrote: »

Don't ignore the fact he has never argued with them before- The fact he didn't roll over and invite this bod to the wedding or beg them to come to the wedding is HUGE for him and a measure of his feelings for you -and ultimately a sign he is finally growing away from them. It isn't as hopeless as you think but you do need to sit down and talk to him about his relationship with them . Is he an only child or are there other siblings who have already gone through this stuff with them ? If he has sisters in law or cousins with wives they may give you (both) some interesting perspectives on the family dynamic and how they handle it.

He was an only child until his mother married his step-dad, when he gained a step-brother. The step brother has, until now, been the black sheep of the family - his parents don't even know what town he lives in and rarely see/ speak to him. He's single, as far as we know.

duchy wrote: »

I edited my post and added a bit which I think is important

You are his first relationship that has been more important than his family -He may be struggling with finding that balance of respecting his parents wishes and following them - and being in a fully mature adult relationship where other considerations will overide his parent's wants and needs. They too are used to saying to him "Jump" and him replying "How high" and you are in their eyes that "subversive influence"

If you can understand why people are reacting the way they are -it can help make sense of the situation - even if they are wrong.

The more I read the more I am convinced this situation isn't about you but about parents who haven't let go and how you and your OH need to work at this problem together .

I agree that there is more to the situation and am trying to understand where they are all coming from.

duchy wrote: »

Talk to your OH about how sad it is his Mum is trying to spoil the wedding -and reassure him you understand he can love his parents even if he doesn't like their behaviour.

I did already say that to him in a previous conversation.

The problem is, as much as I don't want to play into their hands, right now I am very, very unhappy and hurt. I completely understand what a terrible position he's in and wish with all my heart that he wasn't and that I could ignore their behaviour and just carry on but unfortunately I am not that strong and it's eating away at me