I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

candygirl

How old is he hun?Hope you're ok today, n weighing up the pros n cons x:A

catkins

OP, I have quite a lot lower sex drive than my OH but we certainly had sex more frequently that you do after 6 years (you say it decreased from about 6 months in). I certainly don't think all couples are "at it like rabbits" but, unless you both agree, it should certainly be more frequent than it is. What about after 10 years, 15 years? It will be non existent by the sound of it and, again, that is only ok if you are both happy with it. I have been married over 30 years but we still have a sex life.


I can see sex causing a lot of problems and rows in the future.


I sympathise with your problem with your future MIL. Mine is absolutely awful and I couldn't even begin to count how many times she has made me cry over the years (even being really nasty to me on my wedding day and then denying it to OH and saying I was lying). Luckily OH never got on that great with either of his parents and would always stick up for me which sometimes resulted in massive rows which would upset me (my family get on well and I have never known any of them have such screaming, shouting and swearing rows). MIL never liked me, was jealous that OH got on so well with my parents and family and would just try and interfere and be nasty as much as possible. OH fell out with her quite a few times over the years and wouldn't see or speak to her for months (or even a couple of years) and then she would phone and make out everything was ok and he would go back to speaking and seeing her. Then a few years ago his dad died and his mum just went into overdrive being nasty and now OH has had any contact for a few years

MissHope

FBaby wrote: »

Have you asked him if he has suggested to them getting all together to sort out issues once and for all? Has he told them that ultimately, if this doesn't happen, he could end up losing you, which would make him extremely unhappy and it would be hard not to blame them for it?

He hasn't, and wouldn't, suggested this to them. When everything first happen I pleaded with them to allow us all to meet and talk everything through but they point-blank refused. He won't raise me, or anything to do with all this with them in case it sparks further arguments in case they cut him off. He has not told them it's caused us these problems (but even if he did I suspect they wouldn't care. I don't believe they genuinely care about him, especially as parents should).

ecgirl07 wrote: »

What do you want?

Ideally?

And what can you compromise on?

Three issues seem make or break:

1. Sex life
2. His contact/relationship with his parents
3. How you let 1/2affect your anxiety issues

Perhaps exploring these questions will give you more focus.

Ideally I'd like him to be prepared to draw a line with his parents, to know that in the future it won't always be like this and that he has my back. I would like to reach a compromise with our sex life but he always dismisses my suggestions.

I am going to give more thought to those questions though, thank you.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I do genuinely hope you sort this out, as you certainly do sound so down about things

Thank you: I am but I am also very grateful for everyone's help and support, so your kind words mean an awful lot.

MissHope

Thank you so much, Birdie85 for your post. I have added some comments to yours in blue.

Birdie85 wrote: »

Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time when you're supposed to be loved-up and excited about the future!

Something that stands out to me is that he is putting the ball in your court whenever the future of the relationship is discussed. He seems a bit passive, like 'Well... if you want to get married, that's good. If you don't, then I can't really do anything about it.' Meh. Surely there should be more passion and desire for you to stay?!

This has crossed my mind, and worries me.

Don't make the mistake of getting married because you're scared of being alone or that it's your last shot at having a family (which at 36, it isn't. I know many women having babies in their 40s so don't panic!). Please. I have 3 friends who all got married because it was the 'easy' thing to do rather than actually take a step back and see that their relationships had fundamental flaws. The shortest marriage lasted 6 months, the longest 18 months. Any time you waste flogging a dead horse is time taken from your one, precious life!

Wise words, and ones that have really struck a chord with me.

On another note, the issue with his libido will definitely come into glaring focus if/when you start trying for a baby! My DH is a once-a-week kind of guy and considering that the advice for a couple trying to concieve is to have sex every other day, even this was an issue for us! TTC can quickly go from exciting to stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating and when it comes down to mismatched libidos it'll be hard not to lay the blame for each failed month on him.

I hadn't thought of it like that

Even if/when you have a baby, life will be hard. Babies are such hard work and can stretch even the happiest relationship to it's limits, and that's not even taking into account meddlesome grandmothers. Are you prepared for that?

Again, this is part of what worries me. I know having a baby would be hard and I'm afraid of what issues would arise surrounding any child and his mother, as if he won't stand up to her now he's not going to in the future.

I think you need to take a step back from everything and try to look at the relationship as an outsider- can you see the foundations for a strong, happy marriage... or will it crumble at the first sign of stress?
I really don't know

MissHope

I am not going to be able to post any more replies tonight but thank you so much to all of you for your comments, advice and support - I'll reply to the rest of you tomorrow.

Candygirl: I am ok, thank you, and still thinking! He's two years younger than me, btw.

ecgirl07

MissHope wrote: »

He hasn't, and wouldn't, suggested this to them. When everything first happen I pleaded with them to allow us all to meet and talk everything through but they point-blank refused. He won't raise me, or anything to do with all this with them in case it sparks further arguments in case they cut him off. He has not told them it's caused us these problems (but even if he did I suspect they wouldn't care. I don't believe they genuinely care about him, especially as parents should).



Ideally I'd like him to be prepared to draw a line with his parents, to know that in the future it won't always be like this and that he has my back. I would like to reach a compromise with our sex life but he always dismisses my suggestions.

I am going to give more thought to those questions though, thank you.



Thank you: I am but I am also very grateful for everyone's help and support, so your kind words mean an awful lot.

If he said to you back me and not your parents there woud be an issue. You need to kinda let it go. His parents arent nice but he is not going to cut them out (he might eventually but that has to be on his terms)

You need to get in the head space of "the problem is all theirs, nothing you will do will be good enough, so fek them" (excuse the language)

Develop strategies so what they do, what they say is water off a ducks back that can only bother you if you let it. See them once a year and smile through gritted teeth, let oh visit. Make a life and dont let them get to you.

nash1977

I'd say get married and learn to live with the faults.

His mum sounds crazy but realistically you will never break the mother/son bond.

In terms of the sex life, just make sure he isn't secretly gay lol.

Best of luck

MissHope

I think my heart is in absolute agreement with your words, purpleshoes: I just don't want to accept that reality. I feel like a failure in so many ways.

purpleshoes wrote: »

All I can say to you is, I think you would be making a terrible mistake going ahead with the wedding when there are so many issues you need to sort out.

Happiness, life doesn't need to be all hearts and flowers all the time but there should be much more happiness leading up to your wedding than shines through in your posts.

Its like putting a sticking plaster over a major wound. I know too many couples who got married when there were massive doubts/issues, they are either still together and thoroughly miserable or separated/divorced.

MissHope

I am sorry to read that you too have had MIL problems, catkins. I can empathise with how all those rows must have made you felt and am glad that your OH always supported you, though it must have been horrendous for him too.

I worry about our differing sex drives causing further issues, too. I try not to pressure him or even raise the issue but I do struggle. I love our cuddles but I crave more.

catkins wrote: »

OP, I have quite a lot lower sex drive than my OH but we certainly had sex more frequently that you do after 6 years (you say it decreased from about 6 months in). I certainly don't think all couples are "at it like rabbits" but, unless you both agree, it should certainly be more frequent than it is. What about after 10 years, 15 years? It will be non existent by the sound of it and, again, that is only ok if you are both happy with it. I have been married over 30 years but we still have a sex life.


I can see sex causing a lot of problems and rows in the future.


I sympathise with your problem with your future MIL. Mine is absolutely awful and I couldn't even begin to count how many times she has made me cry over the years (even being really nasty to me on my wedding day and then denying it to OH and saying I was lying). Luckily OH never got on that great with either of his parents and would always stick up for me which sometimes resulted in massive rows which would upset me (my family get on well and I have never known any of them have such screaming, shouting and swearing rows). MIL never liked me, was jealous that OH got on so well with my parents and family and would just try and interfere and be nasty as much as possible. OH fell out with her quite a few times over the years and wouldn't see or speak to her for months (or even a couple of years) and then she would phone and make out everything was ok and he would go back to speaking and seeing her. Then a few years ago his dad died and his mum just went into overdrive being nasty and now OH has had any contact for a few years

MissHope

I have been trying to 'let it go' and get into the headspace you describe, ecgirl, but unfortunately my head isn't obeying! My brain worries away at things and goes over and over stuff that's happened and I can't control it. Believe me, I try!

I have never tried to stop my OH visiting, and I wouldn't. I couldn't see them once a year though as I am totally banned from their house or communicating with them. In some ways that's a good thing but I can see that causing problems in the future, such as if we did start a family.

ecgirl07 wrote: »

If he said to you back me and not your parents there woud be an issue. You need to kinda let it go. His parents arent nice but he is not going to cut them out (he might eventually but that has to be on his terms)

You need to get in the head space of "the problem is all theirs, nothing you will do will be good enough, so fek them" (excuse the language)

Develop strategies so what they do, what they say is water off a ducks back that can only bother you if you let it. See them once a year and smile through gritted teeth, let oh visit. Make a life and dont let them get to you.