I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you, spirit.

No, I guess they're not: I just can't help thinking of all these things.

I feel like it's my responsibility because although my OH wanted the same in terms of our guest list, he wouldn't have told his parents that's what he wanted if I hadn't said we should be going with what would make us both happy and that he should broach the subject with them. So the position he's in is ultimately my fault. He's had his first ever argument with them because of me and he's being treated badly by them because of me.

As for our other problems, I worry my expectations of him/ us/ relationships are just too high.

Erm, but didn't he excacerbate the problem by leaving it 1 full year before telling them?

spirit

He's been pu55y footing around them for years, for fear of 'upsetting' them.

Is that really your fault?

NO

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

As for our other problems, I worry my expectations of him/ us/ relationships are just too high.

I don't think they are high enough - learning to compromise is essential if a relationship is going to work but both sides have to be willing to work at it.

From what you've said, it sounds as if you're the one who compromises - he just says he won't talk about things, he'll do things in his own time, he doesn't want sex and rebuffs you, and so on.

The nice things like presents on your birthday are very easy things to do but he doesn't seem to be able to meet you halfway on the more difficult relationship issues.

Caroline_a

When you have spent a long time (and a lot of money) planning a wedding, the hardest thing in the world is to call it off. You feel like you are letting everybody down, you think of the money that is wasted, and how on earth will you face everyone and tell them.

However, how much worse is it to go into a marriage feeling uncertain that this is going to be The One? Marriage isn't something that 'will do' - you should be running into it with bells and whistles, excited that it's the start of the rest of your life with someone who you adore. Except for you, it isnt.

Divorce is hard, messy and expensive - and if children are involved it's worse. It will affect the children as well as both of you, and any family.

It really isnt the end of the world, spending some time on your own - many people, including me, would tell you it's actually a great state to be in, with the freedom to do as you wish. Finishing this relationship doesnt mean your life is over, but a bad marriage will affect you for a long long time.

You wouldnt have posted here if you were sure - now is the time to be a grownup. There appears to be a multitude of reasons why you are having doubts and to be honest, it doesnt matter which one is the straw that has broken the camel's back. They are all valid reasons, but a good enough reason is 'I'm not sure' - that is enough.

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

You're right: I do feel that going ahead isn't the right thing but I so badly don't want that to be the case, for so many reasons: I feel like a failure because other people seem to have happy engagements and marriages and yet ours isn't; I feel guilty because he is a good guy and I feel like I am failing him by not being able to just 'let it go' and stop being hurt by his and their behaviour: I worry about the financial implications of postponing/ cancelling, because money is tight; I worry postponing/ cancelling (because I suspect, deep down, the former will lead to the latter - I even suspect if I raise postponing with him he won't agree to it) will mean that my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle (my parents are older and I am an only child) and that I'll rob them of their chance of grandchildren...I could go on, and on, and on

I think my OH is a 'bury your head' type of person, so I suspect he's hoping things will magically change somehow.

Tayforth's thread is inspirational but she was being abused, and I guess I feel like I should be grateful for what I have.

Read what you've written back, I don't think you are being treated well at all by your husband to be, I agree with the poster who said you aren't setting your sights high enough, this is not how a positive relationship should be.

You both sound like you would be happier on your own, things won't magically change, there's no magic wand, you need to work at things and he's not prepared to go for counselling, spending your entire life with someone who buries their head in the sand when things aren't going well and lets his parents treat you like dirt is not going to be a happy one.

barbiedoll

MissHope wrote: »

You're right: I do feel that going ahead isn't the right thing but I so badly don't want that to be the case, for so many reasons: I feel like a failure because other people seem to have happy engagements and marriages and yet ours isn't; I feel guilty because he is a good guy and I feel like I am failing him by not being able to just 'let it go' and stop being hurt by his and their behaviour: I worry about the financial implications of postponing/ cancelling, because money is tight; I worry postponing/ cancelling (because I suspect, deep down, the former will lead to the latter - I even suspect if I raise postponing with him he won't agree to it) will mean that my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle (my parents are older and I am an only child) and that I'll rob them of their chance of grandchildren...I could go on, and on, and on

I guess I feel like I should be grateful for what I have.

Your whole post is all about how you feel guilty for upsetting everyone else. Who is feeling guilty about upsetting you? Not future in-laws. Not your OH, who brushes off your concerns.

I'm sure your Dad would love to walk you down the aisle, to watch you marry the man of your dreams. But I'm sure he would be horrified at the thought of you doing it just to please him.
Money problems can be sorted out, you definitely shouldn't marry just because you'd lose money otherwise.
And you really shouldn't label yourself a "failure" because your relationship is not perfect, that would make half of the population (including me) "failures", at least at some point in our lives!

Some women are quite able to deal with an evil MIL and their plots and schemes to undermine the woman who has stolen their precious son. Others (like my mum) aren't so well equipped and judging by some of the stories we hear on this board, they're not alone. I can't believe that you have been "barred" from any contact with your potential in-laws and your OH is quite happy to go along with it (I say "happy", I mean "too scared to argue".) You both sound like the sort of people who will do anything to keep the peace but it's clearly not giving you any peace.

You and your OH should be working as a team. And if/when you get married, he should be in your corner, defending you, not sneaking off to see his parents whilst everyone is pretending that you don't exist. He should just tell them that as they're not paying, the wedding guest list is none of their business, it's your day, not theirs.

I honestly don't know what to suggest to you OP but I would like to see you start to consider your own happiness a little. Marrying just so that you won't let anyone down, is not a good reason to go ahead. Marrying because you can't bear to be without the one you love, despite any problems, is. Only you know which one describes you best.

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

Erm, but didn't he excacerbate the problem by leaving it 1 full year before telling them?

...yes...

spirit wrote: »

He's been pu55y footing around them for years, for fear of 'upsetting' them.

Is that really your fault?

NO

I guess not

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think they are high enough - learning to compromise is essential if a relationship is going to work but both sides have to be willing to work at it.

From what you've said, it sounds as if you're the one who compromises - he just says he won't talk about things, he'll do things in his own time, he doesn't want sex and rebuffs you, and so on.

The nice things like presents on your birthday are very easy things to do but he doesn't seem to be able to meet you halfway on the more difficult relationship issues.

I guess I do tend to go along with his pace/ wants.

And that's true. He's also very caring and supportive (with work issues and if I'm ill, physically or mentally but those things aren't difficult for him to do either; you're right that if something's difficult then he can't/ won't address it.

Caroline_a wrote: »

When you have spent a long time (and a lot of money) planning a wedding, the hardest thing in the world is to call it off. You feel like you are letting everybody down, you think of the money that is wasted, and how on earth will you face everyone and tell them.

However, how much worse is it to go into a marriage feeling uncertain that this is going to be The One? Marriage isn't something that 'will do' - you should be running into it with bells and whistles, excited that it's the start of the rest of your life with someone who you adore. Except for you, it isnt.

Divorce is hard, messy and expensive - and if children are involved it's worse. It will affect the children as well as both of you, and any family.

It really isnt the end of the world, spending some time on your own - many people, including me, would tell you it's actually a great state to be in, with the freedom to do as you wish. Finishing this relationship doesnt mean your life is over, but a bad marriage will affect you for a long long time.

You wouldnt have posted here if you were sure - now is the time to be a grownup. There appears to be a multitude of reasons why you are having doubts and to be honest, it doesnt matter which one is the straw that has broken the camel's back. They are all valid reasons, but a good enough reason is 'I'm not sure' - that is enough.

Oh, Caroline_a, your comments have made me cry again! You are right, I know, it's just so hard to accept.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Read what you've written back, I don't think you are being treated well at all by your husband to be, I agree with the poster who said you aren't setting your sights high enough, this is not how a positive relationship should be.

You both sound like you would be happier on your own, things won't magically change, there's no magic wand, you need to work at things and he's not prepared to go for counselling, spending your entire life with someone who buries their head in the sand when things aren't going well and lets his parents treat you like dirt is not going to be a happy one.

I guess it's not, purple shoes. I'm not sure I would be happier without him, though

MissHope

I hadn't thought of it like that, barbiedoll.

I know my parents only want me to be happy, nothing else: it's my own expectations that are causing the guilt. And I often feel like a failure, at most aspects of my life.

As to your last paragraph, I think I am a little of both: I do love him and I don't want not to be with him but I am growing increasingly resentful of him and pessimistic about our future.

barbiedoll wrote: »

Your whole post is all about how you feel guilty for upsetting everyone else. Who is feeling guilty about upsetting you? Not future in-laws. Not your OH, who brushes off your concerns.

I'm sure your Dad would love to walk you down the aisle, to watch you marry the man of your dreams. But I'm sure he would be horrified at the thought of you doing it just to please him.
Money problems can be sorted out, you definitely shouldn't marry just because you'd lose money otherwise.
And you really shouldn't label yourself a "failure" because your relationship is not perfect, that would make half of the population (including me) "failures", at least at some point in our lives!

Some women are quite able to deal with an evil MIL and their plots and schemes to undermine the woman who has stolen their precious son. Others (like my mum) aren't so well equipped and judging by some of the stories we hear on this board, they're not alone. I can't believe that you have been "barred" from any contact with your potential in-laws and your OH is quite happy to go along with it (I say "happy", I mean "too scared to argue".) You both sound like the sort of people who will do anything to keep the peace but it's clearly not giving you any peace.

You and your OH should be working as a team. And if/when you get married, he should be in your corner, defending you, not sneaking off to see his parents whilst everyone is pretending that you don't exist. He should just tell them that as they're not paying, the wedding guest list is none of their business, it's your day, not theirs.

I honestly don't know what to suggest to you OP but I would like to see you start to consider your own happiness a little. Marrying just so that you won't let anyone down, is not a good reason to go ahead. Marrying because you can't bear to be without the one you love, despite any problems, is. Only you know which one describes you best.

Thank you to everyone that's posted for taking the time to talk me through this. I am going to focus on enjoying tonight with friends for now and then I think I need to have a talk with my OH. I think I am going to suggest postponing initially and see how he reacts to that, and then take things from there.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I guess it's not, purple shoes. I'm not sure I would be happier without him, though

By postponing the wedding, you are giving the two of you a breathing space so that you can address the problems without completely calling it a day or having the pressure of the wedding day deadline getting closer all the time.