I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

nash1977 wrote: »

In terms of the sex life, just make sure he isn't secretly gay lol.

How can I do this?!

purpleshoes_2

I think you do know that postponing the wedding is the best thing for the pair of you and you've probably known that for some time. You might enjoy the cuddles but go back and read your opening post again, do you really think marriage will fix these issues? I know its tough but why are you staying in a relationship that's clearly not working and making you both unhappy? If things were ok you wouldn't have posted looking for advice. Postpone the wedding, it can always be re arranged and if your partner doesn't want to consider counselling ask yourself if he's happy that things remain the same. Marriage right now given the unhappiness of the pair of you won't fix what's wrong. Go back and read tayforths thread again if it helps.

MissHope

You're right: I do feel that going ahead isn't the right thing but I so badly don't want that to be the case, for so many reasons: I feel like a failure because other people seem to have happy engagements and marriages and yet ours isn't; I feel guilty because he is a good guy and I feel like I am failing him by not being able to just 'let it go' and stop being hurt by his and their behaviour: I worry about the financial implications of postponing/ cancelling, because money is tight; I worry postponing/ cancelling (because I suspect, deep down, the former will lead to the latter - I even suspect if I raise postponing with him he won't agree to it) will mean that my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle (my parents are older and I am an only child) and that I'll rob them of their chance of grandchildren...I could go on, and on, and on

I think my OH is a 'bury your head' type of person, so I suspect he's hoping things will magically change somehow.

Tayforth's thread is inspirational but she was being abused, and I guess I feel like I should be grateful for what I have.

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think you do know that postponing the wedding is the best thing for the pair of you and you've probably known that for some time. You might enjoy the cuddles but go back and read your opening post again, do you really think marriage will fix these issues? I know its tough but why are you staying in a relationship that's clearly not working and making you both unhappy? If things were ok you wouldn't have posted looking for advice. Postpone the wedding, it can always be re arranged and if your partner doesn't want to consider counselling ask yourself if he's happy that things remain the same. Marriage right now given the unhappiness of the pair of you won't fix what's wrong. Go back and read tayforths thread again if it helps.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

will mean that my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle (my parents are older and I am an only child) and that I'll rob them of their chance of grandchildren...I could go on, and on, and on

And how much pleasure would your dad take in the day if he knew you weren't happy? Or that you brought children into an unhappy marriage for his and your mum's benefit?

ecgirl07

MissHope wrote: »

I have been trying to 'let it go' and get into the headspace you describe, ecgirl, but unfortunately my head isn't obeying! My brain worries away at things and goes over and over stuff that's happened and I can't control it. Believe me, I try!

I have never tried to stop my OH visiting, and I wouldn't. I couldn't see them once a year though as I am totally banned from their house or communicating with them. In some ways that's a good thing but I can see that causing problems in the future, such as if we did start a family.

Im a worrier and read the Confidence Gap by Russ Harris and the techniques helped with letting stuff go
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Confidence-Gap-Russ-Harris/dp/1849016887

The fact you are person non gratis is in your favour, it can only cause problems if you buy into it. The rules are the rules, you by the inlaws choice have nothing to do with them. If they dont change when you start a family its them that misses out, oh can still take grandkids to visit but its inlaws that will miss Christmas and birthday parties which is their choice.

You know where you stand its a relief never to see them again and you havent had years of married tension to get here

MissHope

You are right, of course, Mojisola. They have already told me that although they will support me either way, they think we should at least postpone and that they just want me to be happy.

But they're such wonderful people and deserve to experience all the milestones other parents do: I feel like I am robbing them of these things because I can't seem to get anything right.

MissHope

Thank you for that link, ecgirl07 - I'll check that out right now

Not seeing them again would be a total relief! Oh dear...

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Im a worrier and read the Confidence Gap by Russ Harris and the techniques helped with letting stuff go
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Confidence-Gap-Russ-Harris/dp/1849016887

The fact you are person non gratis is in your favour, it can only cause problems if you buy into it. The rules are the rules, you by the inlaws choice have nothing to do with them. If they dont change when you start a family its them that misses out, oh can still take grandkids to visit but its inlaws that will miss Christmas and birthday parties which is their choice.

You know where you stand its a relief never to see them again and you havent had years of married tension to get here

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

You are right, of course, Mojisola. They have already told me that although they will support me either way, they think we should at least postpone and that they just want me to be happy.

But they're such wonderful people and deserve to experience all the milestones other parents do: I feel like I am robbing them of these things because I can't seem to get anything right.

I think you should stop worrying about other people - those who are looking forward to the wedding, your parents' life experiences, etc - and really concentrate on you and your future.

While you have doubts (and your parents share them), postponing the wedding seems the best way to go.

That would give you time to work on the problems and for you to decide whether this man is the best person to share your life with.

Most people who have been in an unhappy marriage will tell you that it's better to be happily single than unhappily married.

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

You're right: I do feel that going ahead isn't the right thing but I so badly don't want that to be the case, for so many reasons: I feel like a failure because other people seem to have happy engagements and marriages and yet ours isn't; I feel guilty because he is a good guy and I feel like I am failing him by not being able to just 'let it go' and stop being hurt by his and their behaviour: I worry about the financial implications of postponing/ cancelling, because money is tight; I worry postponing/ cancelling (because I suspect, deep down, the former will lead to the latter - I even suspect if I raise postponing with him he won't agree to it) will mean that my dad will never get to walk me down the aisle (my parents are older and I am an only child) and that I'll rob them of their chance of grandchildren...I could go on, and on, and on Do you really feel that the above are good enough reasons to soldier on with the wedding/marriage?

Why do you feel that it is entirely your responsibility to fix everything?

I think my OH is a 'bury your head' type of person, so I suspect he's hoping things will magically change somehow. Cloud cuckoo land.

Tayforth's thread is inspirational but she was being abused, and I guess I feel like I should be grateful for what I have.

my thoughts in red again.

MissHope

Thank you, spirit.

No, I guess they're not: I just can't help thinking of all these things.

I feel like it's my responsibility because although my OH wanted the same in terms of our guest list, he wouldn't have told his parents that's what he wanted if I hadn't said we should be going with what would make us both happy and that he should broach the subject with them. So the position he's in is ultimately my fault. He's had his first ever argument with them because of me and he's being treated badly by them because of me.

As for our other problems, I worry my expectations of him/ us/ relationships are just too high.