I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

He's fully aware of everything I have said on here: I am the sort of person that even if I try to hide my feelings they're there on my face for the world to see and I have been completely open and honest about my feelings.

Ultimately, though, only I can change the situation, and he's made it clear my choice is deal with how I'm feeling or end it.

marisco wrote: »

I have an uneasy feeling that we are all privy to far more awareness, of how bad it is making you feel to be in a relationship with this man than he is. Ask yourself this, could you sit down with him, lay your cards on the table and be so open and honest about all that you are thinking and feeling with him, as you have been with us? Regardless of what the response and resulting repercussions may be.

To be able to means that you trust in him and the strength of your relationship being able to withstand sorting through its many issues. If you can't face doing that then my advice is to consider calling off the wedding.

MissHope

Thank you, skint_chick, for your insight into the situation.

We do have sex, it's just very infrequent. It's been that way ever since the first year of our relationship (the first six months were more frequent) and I think I just have a higher sex drive than him. I've tried not to take it personally, and he does say he finds me attractive.

skint_chick wrote: »

Whatever you decide to do you need to be 100% sure before you marry - I wasn't the first time round and 18 months later I was divorced. You're already worrying that this is your last chance to 'settle down' but going ahead with something that doesn't feel right is only prolonging a breakup and possible future happiness with someone else.

It's difficult enough to be in a relationships as there are always compromises, family and friend dramas, and arguments about stuff. You have the added issue of anxiety and stress of the wedding coming up plus Christmas heightening the whole issue of his parents. If you feel that you can't explain it all to him then maybe you could show him this thread or write him an email.

I understand your worries about having a family but how can you have a family with a man you don't have sex with? So you need to work out if you're not being intimate as a couple because you're ultimately not destined to be a couple or because you're both in a rut in the relationship.

MissHope

ecgirl07 wrote: »

maybe every relationship has a make or break and they are facing theirs now.

This is exactly what I feel we are experiencing.

duchy

If it is eating away at you ......how much more is it eating away at him to be in the middle.

If you genuinely love him then it really doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks or says. Let them get on with it.
If however you are only with him because you don't want to be single -then it's a different matter.

I talked about my Mum earlier- she put up with my Dad's family and their ridiculous antics because she loved him. So what if he spent a couple of hours every week visiting them- the rest of the time he was entirely hers and he loved her even more because she didn't allow them to sour what they had together and she refused to let their stupidity and emotional blackmail damage what was important. She knew if she had made him choose- he'd have chosen her and us kids......but she chose not to do that because she knew a small part of him whilst accepting she was justified in doing so would resent her for it.

It didn't happen overnight -it took time . Their early years were hard whilst they worked it out and there were mega arguments and tears ....but they had the commitment to each other to try. In time every member of his family came to not only love my Mum but respect her too . Only you know if you have that degree of commitment to him or not.

Basically this is what your boyfriend is asking you to decide ....... Take him as he is baggage and all (baggage in this case his mother and his commitment to her) or walk away . So long as he sees you as number one -can you allow the old crow a couple of hours a week of his time .........or not ?

Another thing to consider that unless you have a taste for toyboys most men your age are likely to have baggage- you could leave him and end up with a man with a first wife and children .......they'd be wanting a lot more of his time and money than just a mother !!

spirit

duchy wrote: »

If it is eating away at you ......how much more is it eating away at him to be in the middle.

If you genuinely love him then it really doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks or says. Let them get on with it.
If however you are only with him because you don't want to be single -then it's a different matter.

I talked about my Mum earlier- she put up with my Dad's family and their ridiculous antics because she loved him. So what if he spent a couple of hours every week visiting them- the rest of the time he was entirely hers and he loved her even more because she didn't allow them to sour what they had together and she refused to let their stupidity and emotional blackmail damage what was important. She knew if she had made him choose- he'd have chosen her and us kids......but she chose not to do that because she knew a small part of him whilst accepting she was justified in doing so would resent her for it.

It didn't happen overnight -it took time . Their early years were hard whilst they worked it out and there were mega arguments and tears ....but they had the commitment to each other to try. Only you know if you have that degree of commitment to him or not.

But it isn't just the problem with his mother causing OP to worry/be ill is it?

MissHope

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I hope this doesnt come across as too harsh, but I do think the guy sounds too good to be true in some ways - he IS loyal to you, and even though he knows you are doubting even being with him, is standing by you. I do honestly think you need to put the wedding on hold for both your, and any future childrens sakes - and work at just ''being together''

I don't mind comments that sound harsh: sometimes they can be what we need to hear. I know I probably don't deserve him and have been lucky to have him, but as hard as I'm trying I can't change how I am feeling/ reacting to this.

s it a great idea to bring children into a marriage that you, yourself are not sure you want to be in? If you are not happy before you wed, a wedding certificate is only going to paper over the cracks, and the added pressure of children, on top of everything else, could be the straw that broke the donkeys back so to speak. You are running before you walk thinking about kids. You arent even sure you want to be with the guy. Kids should be coming later if at all, when you know you are happy/settled and likely to actually stay with the guy. Being a single parent is not easy and you are pushing him away. Being alone would do you good, give you chance to get your head right. That may be your problem that you have never really been single for any long period, havent found yourself or what you want out of life for yourself, just are used to being part of a couple

You are absolutely right. Until this, the other problems we've had seemed like obstacles that could be overcome and so hence we'd talked about starting a family after the wedding. The way I currently feel I know this would not be a smart move; I guess I feel a sense of loss at what could have been.

You are also right in that I am very used to being part of a couple and I like being in a relationship.

He must realise he is in a no win situation, whatever he does - he is potentially going to either lose his parents, or his fiancee, he is being held over a barrell and stuck in the middle.. This does smack of emotional blackmail to me. If he pushes things with his parents they may cut him off - if he doesn't push things with his parents, you are likely to cut him off. I still do not quite understand what you want from him, what you ideally want him to do in all this.

Honestly, I find it surprising that he himself wants to continue with the wedding plans with everything being so precarious and he clearly knows you aren't even sure you want to be with him.

I certainly wouldn't be marrying someone who had doubts about the very foundation of our relationship.

I genuinely am sorry if this comes across as harsh, you seem to want him to completely alienate his parents and are not going to be happy until he does exactly what you want. Please beware that if he does this, to please you, he will likely resent you - so be careful what you wish for

That isnt what a marriage is - neither of you get all your way all of the time, compromise is the order of the day, and he has stuck up for you, and shown loyalty in so much as I can see here.

I don't want him to alienate himself from his parents and the last thing I'd want is for him to resent me - that's why I am considering walking away from the relationship, so he's not stuck in the middle and I'm not causing him grief from them (as well as for my own health, admittedly). And at no point have I emotionally blackmailed him: HE suggested we'd have to split if I couldn't handle the situation but said it'd have to be my choice. I at no point - and I wouldn't - gave an ultimatum. I am horrified at the thought he may feel like I am doing that to him.

I also don't feel like he has stuck up for me, though I appreciate having your perspective on the situation: it's given me food for thought.

MissHope

He has said that he thinks if he challenges them in any way they will cut him off and he couldn't handle that. He's not one to talk about his feelings but he does talk to me: our relationship hasn't ever been one-direction in terms of support. I have more issues but I have looked after him too and we do talk. He is lovely and he does want to please.

As for our sex life, at the moment that's probably the case but historically he just doesn't feel the need.

FBaby wrote: »

Has he ever confided in you how much he feels under pressure not to upset his family? If not, do you think he would if you brought him to do so? You understandbly rely on him to support you emotionally, is this a one direction think, or does he feel that he can also share what stresses him and make him feel anxious with you? It might be that he is worried that by doing so it is going to aggrevate your feelings and therefore holds it in, but by doing so, he is struggling inside. He sounds like a lovely man who wants to please, so that would be a typical outcome.

This could also explain the sex thing. If he is anxious and keeping things because he thinks that is the way to protect those he loves, it might very well explain his lack of libido. I have read that the two are often linked.

Just throwing some ideas. I think you have a very close relationship and one that will last but he needs to find his place amongst what is his family. For most people, it is not easy to discharge your parents when you have had a lifetime of closeness with them (however healthy it is or not). What you need to work on before getting married is sharing how you feel deep inside with each other. That's full commitment and what marriage is all about.

MissHope

He doesn't talk that much about his feelings but equally won't bottle things up if asked, and I have asked him about his feelings and tried to support him as best I can since this all started.

He won't even consider counselling and the rest of your comments echo my own fears.

purpleshoes wrote: »

We have no idea about why, there's too much the OP hasn't elaborated on in her opening post, either way, not doing something when you know its making someone else ill really isn't a sign of a positive relationship.

Way too many red flags in the opening post for me to be able to say to the OP walk up that aisle in a few months time, it really does sound like if they get married without at least some couples counselling it will be over very quickly afterwards.

He sounds miserable, she sounds miserable, they don't have a sex life. A wedding ring won't improve any of that.

duchy

spirit wrote: »

But it isn't just the problem with his mother causing OP to worry/be ill is it?

No ....but she was happy to be marrying him until this point -so either the other stuff is her way of justifying walking away (rather than saying his Mother saw her off) or this is the straw that broke the camels back.

Only the OP knows which ....and if she doesn't she could consider counseling to help her sort it out in her own mind before deciding.

MissHope

Thank you, vulpix, for your kind wishes I am sorry to read of your own situation and admire your ability to work through it in the way that you did.

I know, and feel terrible, that he's in this awful situation. His stepdad hasn't spoken to him since he first raised the guest list with them and he thinks he's unlikely to for some time, if ever. He keeps going there anyway, because he needs them in his life.

I am getting help, so hopefully will be able to get that part of it back under control soon.

vulpix wrote: »

This situation has two threads in my eyes.

Firstly the imposable situation your partner is in.He has stuck up for you.His mother is a controlling drama queen and he has disobeyed her.If he cuts her out he will also cut out his Dad and any other rellies.
OH supports you,he has not lost his patience with your anxiety.He sounds like a decent bloke stuck between the woman he loves and his dreadful mother.
My MiL is the same.Last summer she turned on me big style.My husband was in the same situation.He stood up to her for the first time EVER,he is 58.I cried for about a week,I was wounded to the quick.He had to continue contact with her.She is a widow,in a wheelchair and he is an only child.It took me a couple of months to get it into perspective.I could continue to cry and make my husband feel worse or Realize I was just the latest in a very long line of victims who had been cut off for no reason.

Secondly get help for the anxiety,depression and sleep deprivation ASAP. Feel better then evaluate your relationship.

Love to you,please feel better soon xxxx