I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

duchy

I edited my post and added a bit which I think is important

You are his first relationship that has been more important than his family -He may be struggling with finding that balance of respecting his parents wishes and following them - and being in a fully mature adult relationship where other considerations will overide his parent's wants and needs. They too are used to saying to him "Jump" and him replying "How high" and you are in their eyes that "subversive influence"

If you can understand why people are reacting the way they are -it can help make sense of the situation - even if they are wrong.

The more I read the more I am convinced this situation isn't about you but about parents who haven't let go and how you and your OH need to work at this problem together .

marisco_2

I have an uneasy feeling that we are all privy to far more awareness, of how bad it is making you feel to be in a relationship with this man than he is. Ask yourself this, could you sit down with him, lay your cards on the table and be so open and honest about all that you are thinking and feeling with him, as you have been with us? Regardless of what the response and resulting repercussions may be.

To be able to means that you trust in him and the strength of your relationship being able to withstand sorting through its many issues. If you can't face doing that then my advice is to consider calling off the wedding.

Mojisola

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Conversely what would his post on here be?

Torn between my fiance and family. Being made to choose one or the other?
Supporting fiance with anxiety issues but I never seem to get it right?
Fiance pesters me for sex when my libido is up to the speed of hers although I show affection in other ways?

He doesnt sound bad guy - it sounds like they need to find the compromises/common ground/give and take that makes relationships work in the modern world.

Or maybe they make very good friends but shouldn't be in a relationship?

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you. I agree that I am probably not in a fit state to do very much at all at the moment! I'm not sleeping, and that's not helping.

I completely agree, in theory, that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel resentful but I crave company and really struggle being alone. I have only been single for a year my entire adult life and I hated every minute of it! And whilst 36 may not be ancient, my body clock is a-ticking and I fear I'm messing up any chance of being a mother. This is not a good reason for getting married.

I have talked to him and been completely honest. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and hates seeing me so unhappy but he doesn't see what else he can do. He doesn't want to split up but says ultimately the decision is mine. He also said he's said as much as he's prepared to say to his parents and doesn't feel saying anything else to them will 'achieve' anything. We have also talked about the other issues; he just says things will change for the better and generally brushes it all aside.Plonking his head in the sand will not make the other issues go away

my comments in red

Edited to add, I wouldn't be at all happy if I found out some time down the line that my partner had married me because they felt I was their best or only chance of becoming a parent.

To be this unhappy (both of you) before the wedding bells have even started ringing does not bode well.

skint_chick

Whatever you decide to do you need to be 100% sure before you marry - I wasn't the first time round and 18 months later I was divorced. You're already worrying that this is your last chance to 'settle down' but going ahead with something that doesn't feel right is only prolonging a breakup and possible future happiness with someone else.

It's difficult enough to be in a relationships as there are always compromises, family and friend dramas, and arguments about stuff. You have the added issue of anxiety and stress of the wedding coming up plus Christmas heightening the whole issue of his parents. If you feel that you can't explain it all to him then maybe you could show him this thread or write him an email.

I understand your worries about having a family but how can you have a family with a man you don't have sex with? So you need to work out if you're not being intimate as a couple because you're ultimately not destined to be a couple or because you're both in a rut in the relationship.

ecgirl07

Mojisola wrote: »

Or maybe they make very good friends but shouldn't be in a relationship?

Indeed, if the compromises cant be found then the relationship/marriage will be very hard work. Only they as a couple can answer those big questions, which it feels like they have avoided til now, maybe every relationship has a make or break and they are facing theirs now.

farmerboy

There are some similarities in your posts to that of my own experience. Hopefully, you'll make the right descision for you.

I have been with my wife for just over 19 years, and married for 15. We have very different sex drives, but have talked it over and come to a compromise that suits us. She also suffers from low self confidence and self esteme mainly from the way she was treated as a child through to a young adult, and from bouts of depression. Currently going through one of those at the minute, these started from post natal and have come and gone since.

As for the out laws, they don't say as much, but I'm the big bad wolf who took their daughter out of their control and gave her her own mind and descisions. I am her first LTR, and they hoped it wouldn't last, mainly because of my upbringing and what I do (was brought up to speak my mind, never hold a grudge. Was a mechanic, then lorry driver now rail maintainance) She will never tell them what she really feels, something I would do in a shot but hold my tongue as they are the only living grandparents my daughter has. In the early years I visited with her as she didn't drive, now I rarely visit, and try and be out on the rare times they come to us.

We moved from her hometown to mine (only 15 miles) before we were married, and they hoped she woud come running back. They never call to see how she or DD is, but I have a very extended 'family' in the area (more close family friends than actual family) and we all help each other, so thats another reason I am not liked. All this depends on the person you are, for me I'm very thick skinned and they don't bother me. Its only a matter of time before they will get alot of home truthes, but I always encourage OH to keep intouch and visit.

It all comes down to what you want and can cope with. I cannot imagine life with out my OH, she infuriates me to death at times, but she is my best friend and I wouldn't be without her. Periodicly we have arguments and discussions about the missmatches in our lives and things improve for a while, then they cycle begins again. No relationship is ever perfect, it would be very boring if it was.

One thing I have noticed on these forums is people are very quick to discard relationships, seems to be a sign of the times these days. Relationships take work from both sides and also compromise. Only you can make the right choice for you

spirit

farmerboy wrote: »

One thing I have noticed on these forums is people are very quick to discard relationships, seems to be a sign of the times these days. Relationships take work from both sides and also compromise. Only you can make the right choice for you

People on here are not necessarily advising her to discard the relationship, but to put the wedding on hold until the fundamental issues have been sorted.

pickledonionspaceraider

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you. I agree that I am probably not in a fit state to do very much at all at the moment! I'm not sleeping, and that's not helping.

I completely agree, in theory, that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel resentful but I crave company and really struggle being alone. I have only been single for a year my entire adult life and I hated every minute of it! And whilst 36 may not be ancient, my body clock is a-ticking and I fear I'm messing up any chance of being a mother.

Is it a great idea to bring children into a marriage that you, yourself are not sure you want to be in? If you are not happy before you wed, a wedding certificate is only going to paper over the cracks, and the added pressure of children, on top of everything else, could be the straw that broke the donkeys back so to speak. You are running before you walk thinking about kids. You arent even sure you want to be with the guy. Kids should be coming later if at all, when you know you are happy/settled and likely to actually stay with the guy. Being a single parent is not easy and you are pushing him away. Being alone would do you good, give you chance to get your head right. That may be your problem that you have never really been single for any long period, havent found yourself or what you want out of life for yourself, just are used to being part of a couple

I have talked to him and been completely honest. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and hates seeing me so unhappy but he doesn't see what else he can do. He doesn't want to split up but says ultimately the decision is mine. He also said he's said as much as he's prepared to say to his parents and doesn't feel saying anything else to them will 'achieve' anything. We have also talked about the other issues; he just says things will change for the better and generally brushes it all aside.

He must realise he is in a no win situation, whatever he does - he is potentially going to either lose his parents, or his fiancee, he is being held over a barrell and stuck in the middle.. This does smack of emotional blackmail to me. If he pushes things with his parents they may cut him off - if he doesn't push things with his parents, you are likely to cut him off. I still do not quite understand what you want from him, what you ideally want him to do in all this.

Honestly, I find it surprising that he himself wants to continue with the wedding plans with everything being so precarious and he clearly knows you aren't even sure you want to be with him.

I certainly wouldn't be marrying someone who had doubts about the very foundation of our relationship.

I genuinely am sorry if this comes across as harsh, you seem to want him to completely alienate his parents and are not going to be happy until he does exactly what you want. Please beware that if he does this, to please you, he will likely resent you - so be careful what you wish for

That isnt what a marriage is - neither of you get all your way all of the time, compromise is the order of the day, and he has stuck up for you, and shown loyalty in so much as I can see here.

I hope this doesnt come across as too harsh, but I do think the guy sounds too good to be true in some ways - he IS loyal to you, and even though he knows you are doubting even being with him, is standing by you. I do honestly think you need to put the wedding on hold for both your, and any future childrens sakes - and work at just ''being together''

pickledonionspaceraider

farmerboy wrote: »

One thing I have noticed on these forums is people are very quick to discard relationships, seems to be a sign of the times these days. Relationships take work from both sides and also compromise. Only you can make the right choice for you

I don't agree with that statement either - I haven't noticed anyone advise the OP to ditch him.

He sounds like a decent bloke and they desperately need to work at things, before getting married as a wedding certificate is not going to solve the simmering issues