I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

That's really difficult for me to answer...but a very interesting way to look it at.

I think I would probably tell her that she should have a very good think about whether she should be marrying him.

candygirl

spirit wrote: »

ok, so if your best mate confided in you with this story, what would your advice to her be?

Superb advice!Also have you done a pros and cons list regarding marrying him?That always clarifies things for me hun:(

fairy_lights

You've mentioned in several posts that you fear being alone...if it wasn't for that fear, would you still stay with him?

MissHope

candygirl wrote: »

Superb advice!Also have you done a pros and cons list regarding marrying him?That always clarifies things for me hun:(

I have not...I think I'll give that a go, thank you candygirl!

fairy_lights wrote: »

You've mentioned in several posts that you fear being alone...if it wasn't for that fear, would you still stay with him?

I'm not sure, fairylights. Possibly not, as in some ways I feel like our relationship is more like a really close friendship and there's a part of me that wants passion and romance and adventure!

duchy

MissHope wrote: »

I didn't think his parents were like that, though I haven't been allowed much opportunity to get to know them. However, I have recently found out that his mother tends to cut people off for a decade or more if she's not happy with something, so maybe it's just the way they are.

!

Sounds like it
His family sound like my late Dad's family

Your OH has probably "protected" you from them in the past. (as you've known him for six years and only recently discovered his Mum's way of dealing with those who go against her demands)
He has probably seen this coming - knowing his Mum was inevitably going to make some kind of drama out of the wedding.

Look - He's not given in to them ......He's not cancelled the wedding or insisted you invite this relative and to me it seems is trying to stop complete shut down between him and his Mum.

Maybe he knows from past experience that the less drama that is made of it the sooner she'll quit the drama lama antics.

I don't think this is about you at all -as far as his parents are concerned (beyond "no-one is good enough for our boy") but is a power play. So far they are losing. Odds are some of his scratchiness recently is because he has seen this scenario coming .

My Mum dealt with a similar situation with my Dad's family who could turn the smallest thing into a full scale war - She dealt with it by saying she'd never come between him and his family -and never stopping him from making "duty visits" but she refused to put up with their nonsense herself and let him ago alone. She never did anything wrong (although to them she was the "wrong" religion) . She kept herself in the right and never stooped to their level and even encouraged my Dad to make his duty visits if he wanted to skip them.
Once children came along they realized that if they wanted a relationship with the kids rather than short infrequent duty visits they needed to unbend.

THEY are trying to force your OH to choose .......he will resent them for it and appreciate you for your understanding and tolerance if you don't also demand he chooses. IF (and I understand it isn't easy) you can not stick him in the middle of a tug of war with him as the prize - but rather you supporting him in his duty despite their stupidity and stubborness- you will win as you and he will be standing together.

If it all sounds like too much -then maybe marriage isn't right for you both at this time.

pickledonionspaceraider

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you for your comments, pickledonionspaceraider. Your points echo what the other parts of me are saying when I am going around in circles.

I know he's in an awful situation and I really don't want that for him and I also appreciate the fact he said he was going ahead with the wedding but, yes, I want him to defend me. If it was the other way around I wouldn't want to lose my parents either but I wouldn't go there without him on occasions like Christmas and I wouldn't allow them to say awful things about him in my presence.

I agree that my anxiety and depression aren't helping my take on the situation and I have tried very hard to 'cut him some slack' and just deal with what's happened - but I am getting more and more ill as a result

As for our sex life, you are absolutely right in that it probably is my problem and I don't have any confidence but I find it almost impossible to learn to be more confident (I have tried!) and also our sex life has been this way since around six months in, not after years and years. I know that it often gets less in longer term relationships and no way would I want him to just go through the motions but I do wish it was more frequent.

It does sound like you are confused about many aspects, and would definitely echo what others have said about possibly putting the wedding on hold until you are certain about the future.

You do not currently seen in a 'fit state' (sorry that phrase sounds awful - fit state, but hopefully ykwim) to make long term important decisions with being so confused even if you want to be with the man, and I implore you to hold off until you know for sure.

BTW, 36 is deffo not too old to meet someone else. However going against the grain on that train of thought, it is definatley better to be single and living life how you want to, than be with someone who makes you feel resentful in some ways

However, as you do keep saying he is a good man, I think you do need to sit down and have a heart to heart...now. Tell him of the things you are concerned about and how they make you feel, and be completely 100% honest with him. Now is not the time to hide things as it would be unfair on you both.

FBaby

I think the problem is your OH and I don't mean that in a degoratory way. I think he is stuck in a dreadful position and dealing with it the best he can except he isn't.

From his perspective, he doesn't want to have to chose between them and you and that's understandable if he is very close to his family. Already accepting that they won't be at the wedding must be a very painful thing to accept. The problem is that the way he seems to be dealing with it is by trying to limit upsetting them and then you, which ultimately cannot work. Indeed, it seems that it is that attitude that has led to the massive fall out, ie. he burried his head for months before telling them about the guest list. Most likely, if he had mentioned at a time when they wouldn't have been so invested mentally into the wedding yet, they might have been uspet but not so much, or might have had the same reaction, but more time to get over it and reconsider their views.

The huge concern about marrying him as things stands now is that this is the way things will shape for the future, him constantly stuck trying to please but you and his family, inevitably resulting in lies, things not said for some time, saying one thing to you and something different to his parents, with resentment growing more and more on both sides with both expecting him to take a side.

I would tell him that you can't get married until he either accepts to cut his family off, or if this is not something he is willing to do, which you will respect fully, he needs to take the responsibility for reaching a resolution between them and you. Only he can do it as so far, it is them who are close to this idea, not you.

However much I love my husband, I wouldn't have gone ahead and married him if I'd been at deadlock with his mum because I know that he would never have been able to cut all contact with her and the alternative of him going back and forth between us would have been too stressful.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It is possible to care very much about somebody but not be suited to a relationship with them. And that can come to a head when, completely unintentionally, you meet somebody that makes you tingle all over just from a smile.

If you're married when that happens, the heartache that results from it, whether from not taking things further because of being married, from an affair or just deciding that separation and divorce is the least painful option because you've realised you're both being shortchanged as you are, is awful.

It's better to be brave and call things a day and remain friends than to ignore all the warning bells and plough on regardless, for it all to blow up later, perhaps when there are children who will be harmed in the fallout.



Do you miss the happiness you both had together when you were friends?

MissHope

Thank you for your comments, Duchy. Yes, my OH's family do sound as though they are very similar to your Dad's.

To date I have done what your mother did, and I would like to be able to keep doing that but in all honesty I am not sure I am strong enough.

He doesn't have any past experience of disagreeing with them. When I tried to talk about it with him he said he'd never argued with them before, ever, and if we split up then it would all be for nothing

I am beginning to agree that marriage isn't the right path but that makes me so, so sad.

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like it
His family sound like my late Dad's family

Your OH has probably "protected" you from them in the past. (as you've known him for six years and only recently discovered his Mum's way of dealing with those who go against her demands)
He has probably seen this coming - knowing his Mum was inevitably going to make some kind of drama out of the wedding.

Look - He's not given in to them ......He's not cancelled the wedding or insisted you invite this relative and to me it seems is trying to stop complete shut down between him and his Mum.

Maybe he knows from past experience that the less drama that is made of it the sooner she'll quit the drama lama antics.

I don't think this is about you at all -as far as his parents are concerned (beyond "no-one is good enough for our boy") but is a power play. So far they are losing. Odds are some of his scratchiness recently is because he has seen this scenario coming .

My Mum dealt with a similar situation with my Dad's family who could turn the smallest thing into a full scale war - She dealt with it by saying she'd never come between him and his family -and never stopping him from making "duty visits" but she refused to put up with their nonsense herself and let him ago alone. She never did anything wrong (although to them she was the "wrong" religion) . She kept herself in the right and never stooped to their level and even encouraged my Dad to make his duty visits if he wanted to skip them.
Once children came along they realized that if they wanted a relationship with the kids rather than short infrequent duty visits they needed to unbend.

THEY are trying to force your OH to choose .......he will resent them for it and appreciate you for your understanding and tolerance if you don't also demand he chooses. IF (and I understand it isn't easy) you can not stick him in the middle of a tug of war with him as the prize - but rather you supporting him in his duty despite their stupidity and stubborness- you will win as you and he will be standing together.

If it all sounds like too much -then maybe marriage isn't right for you both at this time.

MissHope

Thank you. I agree that I am probably not in a fit state to do very much at all at the moment! I'm not sleeping, and that's not helping.

I completely agree, in theory, that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel resentful but I crave company and really struggle being alone. I have only been single for a year my entire adult life and I hated every minute of it! And whilst 36 may not be ancient, my body clock is a-ticking and I fear I'm messing up any chance of being a mother.

I have talked to him and been completely honest. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and hates seeing me so unhappy but he doesn't see what else he can do. He doesn't want to split up but says ultimately the decision is mine. He also said he's said as much as he's prepared to say to his parents and doesn't feel saying anything else to them will 'achieve' anything. We have also talked about the other issues; he just says things will change for the better and generally brushes it all aside.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

It does sound like you are confused about many aspects, and would definitely echo what others have said about possibly putting the wedding on hold until you are certain about the future.

You do not currently seen in a 'fit state' (sorry that phrase sounds awful - fit state, but hopefully ykwim) to make long term important decisions with being so confused even if you want to be with the man, and I implore you to hold off until you know for sure.

BTW, 36 is deffo not too old to meet someone else. However going against the grain on that train of thought, it is definatley better to be single and living life how you want to, than be with someone who makes you feel resentful in some ways

However, as you do keep saying he is a good man, I think you do need to sit down and have a heart to heart...now. Tell him of the things you are concerned about and how they make you feel, and be completely 100% honest with him. Now is not the time to hide things as it would be unfair on you both.