I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

Again, my answers are in blue. Thank you FBaby.

FBaby wrote: »

You need to sort out this issue of 'guest lists' as it makes no sense that any disagreement on such a matter would result in such an issue, especially if you got along ok before. Surely if there was a misunderstanding, this can be sorted by communicating, negotiating, compromising?

The people in real life who know about this all cannot understand their reaction: it really makes no sense and seems completely out of proportion with what we said we wanted. They refused to even discuss it, let alone compromise - just immediately reacted as described above. We've always got on ok but they've kept me at arms length and never really made an effort to get to know me/ include me.

Your OH is clearly close to his family and most likely always will be to some extent, so marrying him as things stand right now will put a lot of pressure on your marriage and will only get worse.

I know

I would tell your OH that you can't contemplate being married to him if you can't get his parents to accept you to a certain extent. It is his responsibility to try to reconcile the situation. What are we talking about? The parents wanting to invite some distant friends of theirs and you saying no after OH said yes, or something like that? Certainly not worth such animosity for the rest of your time together.

We want (ed) a small, adults-only wedding and having that would mean one relation they are close to (but we are not) wouldn't be there. We both wanted the same thing, though he didn't want to upset them so probably wouldn't have raised it if I hadn't said we should have the wedding we want and I had no idea they would react as they have.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

Things like talking to his parents about our guest list wishes (we knew they wouldn't like our decision but we (or at least I) had no idea they would have such an extreme reaction. I wanted him to raise it with them straight away but he said he was 'waiting for the right time' and took a year to tell them: the uncertainty of the situation is what triggers my anxiety.

I could try this. I did ask if we could all sit down and talk it over (via text) when it first happened but was told they'd said all they had to say and would not be changing their mind.

He took a year to talk to them, knowing that it was making you ill?

They are very rigid in their thinking - they are right and won't compromise - and he is scared of their reactions if he doesn't go along with them.

Because he won't stand up to them, you are going to be marrying him and his parents and they are going to be constantly in your life. To slightly misquote Princess Di - there are going to be four of you in this marriage (and it's always going to be three against one).

What about when they don't agree with other decisions you make? If you have children, are you constantly going to have to battle with them over how you bring them up?

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no way I would go ahead with a wedding with an OH who is happy to choose his parents over me!

Thank you, Mojisola. I think in my heart that's how I feel too, but I worry I'm being unreasonable and walking away from essentially a good relationship.

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

He took a year to talk to them, knowing that it was making you ill?

They are very rigid in their thinking - they are right and won't compromise - and he is scared of their reactions if he doesn't go along with them.

Because he won't stand up to them, you are going to marrying him and his parents and they are going to be constantly in your life.

What about when they don't agree with other decisions you make? If you have children, are you constantly going to have to battle with them over how you bring them up?

This too is what's worrying me.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you, Mojisola. I think in my heart that's how I feel too, but I worry I'm being unreasonable and walking away from essentially a good relationship.

But it isn't a good relationship while he still puts his parents above you.

MissHope

True. I guess I find it hard because it's not like he's a horrible person who's been abusing me: he's kind, he's looked after me, he's affectionate and a great companion. Losing him would be like losing part of myself.

duchy

All this over not inviting ONE person ?

Sorry but frankly this is more to do with them not wanting to lose influence over their son and pushing him into a position that he has to choose.

What happens if you or he get offered your dream job in another country or city .....and they don't want him to move away .........what happens when you have children and you both want them educated in one way and they disagree.......

What happens over the wedding sets the tone for your whole marriage.
Is there room for him to say ...... "We have discussed this and we (not it is all WE not I) will agree to evil uncle Eric been invited -however this is conditional on you treating us both with respect and stopping this nonsense. Hope is the woman I have chosen to spend my life with and if you disrespect her you disrespect me."

(or you could just say"I'm sorry you won't be coming to our wedding but that is your choice and we will respect your decision")

If he rejects both suggestions out of hand then he has chosen his parents over you and given in to their emotional blackmail and you are left to decide if you want to marry a boy rather than the man you thought he was.

itsanne

MissHope, what makes you feel this is essentially a good relationship? I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't come across that way from what you describe.

Regardless of the stresses that preparing for a wedding can cause, underlying everything should be optimism, looking forward to spending the rest of your lives together. There's none of that here, but there are a number of alarm bells. Your suggestion that you fear it's this man or no one is especially troubling and not a reason to go ahead.

I'm not suggesting that you call the whole thing off (not a stranger on the internet's place to do so), but maybe you should think about delaying things until you can go ahead in a more confident frame of mind. Yes, arrangements are well under way, but rearranging them is less traumatic than a divorce or miserable marriage would be.

candygirl

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no way I would go ahead with a wedding with an OH who is happy to choose his parents over me!

Same here!Also the totally mismatched libidos is a recipe for disaster !Been there done that

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

I did ask him exactly that, harrysnan. He says all he wants is to be with me and he would be very upset if we weren't together but he can't/ won't risk his parents cutting him off and has said all he's prepared to say to them (and he'll think that's what they'll do if he says one more thing in my defence) so I either have to accept that or he understands we'll have to split up (he can see how my health is declining too).

That tells you all you need to know unfortunately (well, fortunately maybe, best to find out now where his loyalties lie)