I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

A lot of what you have written has struck a chord with me, FBaby. I think you have exactly captured how he is feeling and handling the situation and also one of my main worries: that this will be the future for us.

I wouldn't want to ask him to cut his family off, partially because I would feel awful about being the reason for his estrangement from them and partially because I believe he'd choose them: he hates ultimatums and also I am not confident I am his absolute priority. Not anymore.

I have already raised that I don't think I can go forward with things as they are, and that unless he does more to defend me I am not sure we have a future. I've already touched upon his reaction above, but basically he's done all he's prepared to do (though he did say if they said anything new he would address that) and that the choice is mine.

FBaby wrote: »

I think the problem is your OH and I don't mean that in a degoratory way. I think he is stuck in a dreadful position and dealing with it the best he can except he isn't.

From his perspective, he doesn't want to have to chose between them and you and that's understandable if he is very close to his family. Already accepting that they won't be at the wedding must be a very painful thing to accept. The problem is that the way he seems to be dealing with it is by trying to limit upsetting them and then you, which ultimately cannot work. Indeed, it seems that it is that attitude that has led to the massive fall out, ie. he burried his head for months before telling them about the guest list. Most likely, if he had mentioned at a time when they wouldn't have been so invested mentally into the wedding yet, they might have been uspet but not so much, or might have had the same reaction, but more time to get over it and reconsider their views.

The huge concern about marrying him as things stands now is that this is the way things will shape for the future, him constantly stuck trying to please but you and his family, inevitably resulting in lies, things not said for some time, saying one thing to you and something different to his parents, with resentment growing more and more on both sides with both expecting him to take a side.

I would tell him that you can't get married until he either accepts to cut his family off, or if this is not something he is willing to do, which you will respect fully, he needs to take the responsibility for reaching a resolution between them and you. Only he can do it as so far, it is them who are close to this idea, not you.

However much I love my husband, I wouldn't have gone ahead and married him if I'd been at deadlock with his mum because I know that he would never have been able to cut all contact with her and the alternative of him going back and forth between us would have been too stressful.

barbiedoll

How long have you had depression and anxiety issues? Has it got worse in the past few years? Are you sure that your OH is not the cause of your illness? (however unintentionally)

If you are coming onto a forum and stating that you're unsure whether or not to go ahead with your wedding, then you probably shouldn't go ahead. Lots of people have family dramas at weddings, there is always someone moaning (usually MIL-to-be if this board is anything to go by!) about the guest list, the timings, the food, the venue etc etc etc. A truly happy couple do try to shrug these things off and just get on with it, without letting it spoil their day too much. But you are clearly worried, not just about the big day, but about the rest of your lives together.

You obviously don't have any lack of intimacy, he could just be having "performance" problems because of all of this stress with his mother. Men are notorious for not talking about this sort of thing, he may just be mortified because he's not quite up to speed at the moment. However, there's not much you can do about that, apart from not giving him any stress. Which will obviously impact on your health.

How long has the wedding been in the planning? Does your bickering and lack of love life coincide with this? Or did you have problems before even thinking about weddings? If you're sure that it's just the wedding drama that is causing problems, then just run away and get married on the quiet, let everyone else go hang.
If, on the other hand, you had problems before, then you should definitely think twice about getting married. If it's not right now, a big dress and shiny ring aren't going to fix it.

MissHope

Oh my goodness! I am crying again at your words.

I do miss the happiness from when we were friends - we never fell out or had a cross word then.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It is possible to care very much about somebody but not be suited to a relationship with them. And that can come to a head when, completely unintentionally, you meet somebody that makes you tingle all over just from a smile.

If you're married when that happens, the heartache that results from it, whether from not taking things further because of being married, from an affair or just deciding that separation and divorce is the least painful option because you've realised you're both being shortchanged as you are, is awful.

It's better to be brave and call things a day and remain friends than to ignore all the warning bells and plough on regardless, for it all to blow up later, perhaps when there are children who will be harmed in the fallout.



Do you miss the happiness you both had together when you were friends?

MissHope

Hi barbiedoll. I was diagnosed after we got together but it definitely wasn't him - both were triggered by a traumatic event and he was my rock during that time. I'm not sure I'd even still be here if it wasn't for him.

We don't have a lack of intimacy, but it's almost completely cuddling and pecks of kisses - and that's been that way for most of our relationship. Both the bickering and lack of sex life pre-date the wedding planning by some time. It's just, until this happened, I accepted those as part of being in a LTR and just one of those things whereas due to the recent dramas I've been questioning everything.

barbiedoll wrote: »

How long have you had depression and anxiety issues? Has it got worse in the past few years? Are you sure that your OH is not the cause of your illness? (however unintentionally)

If you are coming onto a forum and stating that you're unsure whether or not to go ahead with your wedding, then you probably shouldn't go ahead. Lots of people have family dramas at weddings, there is always someone moaning (usually MIL-to-be if this board is anything to go by!) about the guest list, the timings, the food, the venue etc etc etc. A truly happy couple do try to shrug these things off and just get on with it, without letting it spoil their day too much. But you are clearly worried, not just about the big day, but about the rest of your lives together.

You obviously don't have any lack of intimacy, he could just be having "performance" problems because of all of this stress with his mother. Men are notorious for not talking about this sort of thing, he may just be mortified because he's not quite up to speed at the moment. However, there's not much you can do about that, apart from not giving him any stress. Which will obviously impact on your health.

How long has the wedding been in the planning? Does your bickering and lack of love life coincide with this? Or did you have problems before even thinking about weddings? If you're sure that it's just the wedding drama that is causing problems, then just run away and get married on the quiet, let everyone else go hang.
If, on the other hand, you had problems before, then you should definitely think twice about getting married. If it's not right now, a big dress and shiny ring aren't going to fix it.

candygirl

I hope you reach the solution you need hun.At 36 you are waaay too young to be in an almost sexless relationship, n seeing as this has been the case from six months into your relationship, I can't see it changing in the future x

swingaloo

One thing which jumped out at me is that he says he has NEVER been in the position of falling out with them before. As his mother especially seems to be a very stubborn, awkward piece of work then Im very surprised.


To me it begs the question- has he always been afraid to upset her or have his own opinion?


What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum- Put me first or I will call off the wedding? Presumably he would say the wedding would be off. That should tell you all you need to know.


Please put your health and wellbeing first, be it with doctors help, counselling or whatever. Don't settle for second best. A long time ago I married because I was too afraid I wouldn't get anyone else and would anger both families if I called it off and I had 28 mostly very miserable years.

duchy

My Mum was no pushover ........and their marriage did suffer at times because of outside family issues (it was a mixed marriage religiously - neither side approved but they won everyone over eventually). My Mum knew that he loved her and that was what kept her strong. She knew that if she forced him to choose- he would choose her but the guilt he would feel would taint their marriage. A few duty visits weren't important in comparison.

In my case it was my Dad's much older sisters -who effectively took the grandparent role in our lives -that caused the friction. As kids we really didn't notice it - but I do remember my aunt forgetting herself and making a derogatory comment about my Mum to me when I was 14 or 15 . I don't think she meant anything by it -it was more habit -she slagged everyone off ...... I looked at her and said if she continued I was leaving as no-one spoke about MY mother like that , she tried to brush it off and justify her comment - at which point I picked up my coat -and she apologized . I accepted her apology but warned her if it happened again I'd be off permanently. She was gobsmacked as like I suspect your OH's Mum no-one ever took action just half heartedly argued and let her have her way. She never did it again in my hearing, Years later I told my Dad about it - His comment - he wished he'd had the guts to do it to her :rotfl:

Ultimately if your marriage is strong your OH will over time appease them less and you'll also feel more confident about the fact that he is humouring them but loves you.

Don't ignore the fact he has never argued with them before- The fact he didn't roll over and invite this bod to the wedding or beg them to come to the wedding is HUGE for him and a measure of his feelings for you -and ultimately a sign he is finally growing away from them. It isn't as hopeless as you think but you do need to sit down and talk to him about his relationship with them . Is he an only child or are there other siblings who have already gone through this stuff with them ? If he has sisters in law or cousins with wives they may give you (both) some interesting perspectives on the family dynamic and how they handle it.

That said I'm 53 and getting married again next year...... Thirty six is hardly on the shelf

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you for your comments, Duchy. Yes, my OH's family do sound as though they are very similar to your Dad's.

To date I have done what your mother did, and I would like to be able to keep doing that but in all honesty I am not sure I am strong enough.

He doesn't have any past experience of disagreeing with them. When I tried to talk about it with him he said he'd never argued with them before, ever, and if we split up then it would all be for nothing

I am beginning to agree that marriage isn't the right path but that makes me so, so sad.

ecgirl07

spirit wrote: »

ok, so if your best mate confided in you with this story, what would your advice to her be?

Conversely what would his post on here be?

Torn between my fiance and family. Being made to choose one or the other?
Supporting fiance with anxiety issues but I never seem to get it right?
Fiance pesters me for sex when my libido is up to the speed of hers although I show affection in other ways?

He doesnt sound bad guy - it sounds like they need to find the compromises/common ground/give and take that makes relationships work in the modern world.

MissHope

candygirl wrote: »

I hope you reach the solution you need hun.At 36 you are waaay too young to be in an almost sexless relationship, n seeing as this has been the case from six months into your relationship, I can't see it changing in the future x

Thank you, candygirl. I tried to PM you as you seem to have had a similar experience but as a 'new' user I can only send one an hour - I'd forgotten this!

swingaloo wrote: »

One thing which jumped out at me is that he says he has NEVER been in the position of falling out with them before. As his mother especially seems to be a very stubborn, awkward piece of work then Im very surprised.


To me it begs the question- has he always been afraid to upset her or have his own opinion?


What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum- Put me first or I will call off the wedding? Presumably he would say the wedding would be off. That should tell you all you need to know.


Please put your health and wellbeing first, be it with doctors help, counselling or whatever. Don't settle for second best. A long time ago I married because I was too afraid I wouldn't get anyone else and would anger both families if I called it off and I had 28 mostly very miserable years.

I'm really sorry to hear you had such a lengthy time of being miserable, swingaloo. Part of me is telling me not to go ahead but because he is a decent person and there are good parts to the relationship it's so very hard to let go.

I too was surprised when he said he'd never argued with them but, yes, it seems he's always done exactly what they've asked. Plus he's never been in a very long or very serious relationship before. And yes, I fear he'd say exactly that in your scenario.

duchy wrote: »

My Mum was no pushover ........and their marriage did suffer at times because of outside family issues (it was a mixed marriage religiously - neither side approved but they won everyone over eventually). My Mum knew that he loved her and that was what kept her strong. She knew that if she forced him to choose- he would choose her but the guilt he would feel would taint their marriage. A few duty visits weren't important in comparison.

In my case it was my Dad's much older sisters -who effectively took the grandparent role in our lives -that caused the friction. As kids we really didn't notice it - but I do remember my aunt forgetting herself and making a derogatory comment about my Mum to me when I was 14 or 15 . I don't think she meant anything by it -it was more habit -she slagged everyone off ...... I looked at her and said if she continued I was leaving as no-one spoke about MY mother like that , she tried to brush it off and justify her comment - at which point I picked up my coat -and she apologized . I accepted her apology but warned her if it happened again I'd be off permanently. She was gobsmacked as like I suspect your OH's Mum no-one ever took action just half heartedly argued and let her have her way. She never did it again in my hearing, Years later I told my Dad about it - His comment - he wished he'd had the guts to do it to her :rotfl:

Ultimately if your marriage is strong your OH will over time appease them less and you'll also feel more confident about the fact that he is humouring them but loves you.

That said I'm 53 and getting married again next year...... Thirty six is hardly on the shelf

Thank youm Duchy - your post made me smile

MissHope

He's most definitely not a bad guy and I'd never say he was. I know I am not blameless in all this and I feel terrible that he's in this position.

And I have been trying to talk it all through and find compromise but I don't know how to move through all this - or find a path that suits us both.

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Conversely what would his post on here be?

Torn between my fiance and family. Being made to choose one or the other?
Supporting fiance with anxiety issues but I never seem to get it right?
Fiance pesters me for sex when my libido is up to the speed of hers although I show affection in other ways?

He doesnt sound bad guy - it sounds like they need to find the compromises/common ground/give and take that makes relationships work in the modern world.