I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

bagpussbear

Hi MissHope, sorry that that you have had a rough Christmas with your man. You sound in turmoil. I am feeling delicate myself, as my husband left on Boxing day and I don't know when, or if, he is coming back. So I will share a bit of your pain with you today if that helps :-)

My first thought at reading your post was that you both need couple counselling, to get to the bottom of what's going on here, but it's a shame he won't agree to it.

That sounds an extreme reaction from his parents to pull out of the wedding, and banning you from their house. Are they usually like this?

Depression sucks. I've worn that t-shirt many times. But it can make us not see situations clearly unfortunately, and we make decisions based on fear eg. I'll never get another good man, I won't be able to settle and have children, who will look at me again etc etc etc. So we hold onto a situation that can be unhealthy for us.

Your relationship, at this time, sounds unhealthy to me. Whilst I am not going to tell you to postpone the wedding, or go ahead with it, I really do think it would help you to do a couple of things.

1) arrange to see a counsellor on your own.

2) try not to be alone at the moment (wasn't sure from your post if he is back home yet?) - can you have friends over, or go to stay somewhere, and talk things through. Good friends can be a life saver by helping you see things more clearer.

How do you think he would react if you said that you wanted to postpone?

spirit

Weddings can be stressful and falling out with parents/relatives/friends over the arrangements is common. Don't let it fester. If your in laws won't welcome you into their home then write them a letter. Sort it out. Mention future grandchildren and how that could impact on them.

I could try this. I did ask if we could all sit down and talk it over (via text) when it first happened but was told they'd said all they had to say and would not be changing their mind.



This seems to be a common theme with him and his parents. How can you possibly negotiate with people if they dig their heels in and refuse to listen/budge?

Why is being a beneficiary of their will more important to him than his future relationship?

pmlindyloo

So, is the parents thing the main problem?

Theses threads do tend to start focussing on one thing rather than the whole problem

If it is the main thing then focus on this.

I am a great believer in 'picking your fights'. As already said there are likely to be times in the future when you are going to have to be firm with his parents and do what you both want. Have you discussed this with your OH?

I know I am likely to be in a minority when I say this but if the relative is very close to the parents I do have an understanding of what might have gone wrong. They may see this as a 'slight to them' and, as often happens, this has got out of hand and you are now the big bad person.

Would it be such a big deal if you wrote and apologised to them and say you didn't realise how close **** is to them and would like to invite them. Or is it too late to get back on track?

Of course you shouldn't have to do this and many would say this was the beginning of a very slippery slope of allowing them to 'take over' your lives.

But, as I said , you may need to pick your fights and in the end if this is the only thing that is souring the relationship then this might be the way forward.

Up to you of course.

I don't necessarily believe that he is putting his parents before you based on what you have said. I don't know all the details of course. He did agree with you on the guest list and didn't insist on inviting the relative in question but obviously was very aware that this would cause problems.

It is such a tricky one because no one knows the extent of all this.

Your comment 'losing him would be like losing a part of me' touched me.

No one is perfect and he sounds a good man.

spirit

bagpussbear wrote: »

Hi MissHope, sorry that that you have had a rough Christmas with your man. You sound in turmoil. I am feeling delicate myself, as my husband left on Boxing day and I don't know when, or if, he is coming back. So I will share a bit of your pain with you today if that helps :-)

Hugs to you Bagpussbear too ((hugs))

candygirl

spirit wrote: »

Hugs to you Bagpussbear too ((hugs))

I second that hun :A

bagpussbear

Thank you Spirit and Candygirl. That meant a lot.

pickledonionspaceraider

OP you have been together 6 years, after that period of time, many people aren't ''at it'' like rabbits after that kind of time frame. If he doesn't fancy it, it is about him, not about you. I think you are taking his knock backs personally. Would you rather he just went through the motions to please you? This is normal. I think, IMO, this issue is yours - as in low self esteem affecting your relationship. He is still with you after 6 years, which proves a lot. If he wanted someone who looked different, he wouldn't still be with you - learn to believe it. Confidence is attractive to men

Your OH is stuck in the middle with you on one side and his parents on the other, and is genuinely trying to keep everyone happy. He has defended you and told them the wedding is going ahead basically with or without them - which must be horrendously painful to know his parents wont even be there at his big day - but he has done that - for you to prove his future lies with you. He has told them everything is going ahead, what more do you want him to do, to defend you?

I think you need to cut him some slack as he is desperately trying to balance making everyone happy and no one actually is - his parents aren't even coming to the wedding and you yourself, are questioning your relationship. Your anxieties and depression IMO are amplifying things that aren't that uncommon. things do get stressy in the run up to a wedding, families demanding this or that and getting the hump if they don't get their way - let them get the hump.

He clearly wants to continue a relationship with his parents, but did you mean he went over there for Christmas day and left you alone on Christmas day?

MissHope

duchy wrote: »

All this over not inviting ONE person ?

Sorry but frankly this is more to do with them not wanting to lose influence over their son and pushing him into a position that he has to choose.

What happens if you or he get offered your dream job in another country or city .....and they don't want him to move away .........what happens when you have children and you both want them educated in one way and they disagree.......

What happens over the wedding sets the tone for your whole marriage.
Is there room for him to say ...... "We have discussed this and we (not it is all WE not I) will agree to evil uncle Eric been invited -however this is conditional on you treating us both with respect and stopping this nonsense. Hope is the woman I have chosen to spend my life with and if you disrespect her you disrespect me."

(or you could just say"I'm sorry you won't be coming to our wedding but that is your choice and we will respect your decision")

If he rejects both suggestions out of hand then he has chosen his parents over you and given in to their emotional blackmail and you are left to decide if you want to marry a boy rather than the man you thought he was.

I've asked myself those questions, too and completely agree it's partially to do with power - it has to be.

He's accepted they won't be at the wedding, but that aside he's still going over there regularly and acting 'normal' despite what they've said about me and my ban. As for the first suggestion, I suspect it's too late to invite the person in question (his parents hold grudges and his mother habtually cuts people off for years and years, which I didn't know until recently) but he would be very unlikely to agree to saying even that as it'd be 'pushing it'.

MissHope

Thank you for your comments, itsanne, I have tried to answer your questions below:

itsanne wrote: »

MissHope, what makes you feel this is essentially a good relationship? I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't come across that way from what you describe.

I think it's essentially a good relationship because I think he does love me and he's generally very nice and supportive, though I know we do have issues.

Regardless of the stresses that preparing for a wedding can cause, underlying everything should be optimism, looking forward to spending the rest of your lives together. There's none of that here, but there are a number of alarm bells. Your suggestion that you fear it's this man or no one is especially troubling and not a reason to go ahead.

I know...I just really fear being alone.

I'm not suggesting that you call the whole thing off (not a stranger on the internet's place to do so), but maybe you should think about delaying things until you can go ahead in a more confident frame of mind. Yes, arrangements are well under way, but rearranging them is less traumatic than a divorce or miserable marriage would be.

You're probably right, though I feel that if we aren't going ahead as planned because our issues are so big that we can't, we probably shouldn't be going ahead at all.

MissHope

candygirl wrote: »

Same here!Also the totally mismatched libidos is a recipe for disaster !Been there done that

I have been worried about that, candygirl, as I spend most of my life feeling very frustrated and unfilled!