I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

lulu_92

MissHope wrote: »

I have been worried about that, candygirl, as I spend most of my life feeling very frustrated and unfilled!

Then get yourself off to Ann Summers! (no pun intended!!)

MissHope

bagpussbear wrote: »

Hi MissHope, sorry that that you have had a rough Christmas with your man. You sound in turmoil. I am feeling delicate myself, as my husband left on Boxing day and I don't know when, or if, he is coming back. So I will share a bit of your pain with you today if that helps :-)

My first thought at reading your post was that you both need couple counselling, to get to the bottom of what's going on here, but it's a shame he won't agree to it.

That sounds an extreme reaction from his parents to pull out of the wedding, and banning you from their house. Are they usually like this?

Depression sucks. I've worn that t-shirt many times. But it can make us not see situations clearly unfortunately, and we make decisions based on fear eg. I'll never get another good man, I won't be able to settle and have children, who will look at me again etc etc etc. So we hold onto a situation that can be unhealthy for us.

Your relationship, at this time, sounds unhealthy to me. Whilst I am not going to tell you to postpone the wedding, or go ahead with it, I really do think it would help you to do a couple of things.

1) arrange to see a counsellor on your own.

2) try not to be alone at the moment (wasn't sure from your post if he is back home yet?) - can you have friends over, or go to stay somewhere, and talk things through. Good friends can be a life saver by helping you see things more clearer.

How do you think he would react if you said that you wanted to postpone?

Hi Bagpussbear. Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post when you are going through so much yourself. I am really touched and hope your situation will be resolved in whichever way is best for you.

In the meantime, here are some hugs for you: *hugs*

I definitely am in complete turmoil: I can't stop mulling everything over and going round in circles.

He definitely won't agree to counselling. And he's not one to back down or change his mind (I now see where he gets it from!).

I didn't think his parents were like that, though I haven't been allowed much opportunity to get to know them. However, I have recently found out that his mother tends to cut people off for a decade or more if she's not happy with something, so maybe it's just the way they are.

I cried (again - I'm like a tap at the moment) reading your comments about depression and you describe exactly how I feel about myself. I've never had much self esteem and know that with my illnesses I am not easy to live with (having panic attacks, crying, etc). I am putting myself back on the waiting list for counselling, and seeing my doctor soon to explore all possible avenues.

I'm not alone. He visited them but didn't stay there and so we're still living together and cuddling - he cuddles me whilst I'm crying! Plus I am seeing friends over the next few days.

Please do keep in touch and let me know how you're doing - by PM if you'd prefer. Take care!

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

Weddings can be stressful and falling out with parents/relatives/friends over the arrangements is common. Don't let it fester. If your in laws won't welcome you into their home then write them a letter. Sort it out. Mention future grandchildren and how that could impact on them.

I could try this. I did ask if we could all sit down and talk it over (via text) when it first happened but was told they'd said all they had to say and would not be changing their mind.



This seems to be a common theme with him and his parents. How can you possibly negotiate with people if they dig their heels in and refuse to listen/budge?

Why is being a beneficiary of their will more important to him than his future relationship?

Exactly. They do all seem to prefer to ignore things rather than communicating over them

And I'm not even sure if he is, or still would be a beneficiary.

MissHope

pmlindyloo wrote: »

So, is the parents thing the main problem?

Theses threads do tend to start focussing on one thing rather than the whole problem

If it is the main thing then focus on this.

I am a great believer in 'picking your fights'. As already said there are likely to be times in the future when you are going to have to be firm with his parents and do what you both want. Have you discussed this with your OH?

I know I am likely to be in a minority when I say this but if the relative is very close to the parents I do have an understanding of what might have gone wrong. They may see this as a 'slight to them' and, as often happens, this has got out of hand and you are now the big bad person.

Would it be such a big deal if you wrote and apologised to them and say you didn't realise how close **** is to them and would like to invite them. Or is it too late to get back on track?

Of course you shouldn't have to do this and many would say this was the beginning of a very slippery slope of allowing them to 'take over' your lives.

But, as I said , you may need to pick your fights and in the end if this is the only thing that is souring the relationship then this might be the way forward.

Up to you of course.

I don't necessarily believe that he is putting his parents before you based on what you have said. I don't know all the details of course. He did agree with you on the guest list and didn't insist on inviting the relative in question but obviously was very aware that this would cause problems.

It is such a tricky one because no one knows the extent of all this.

Your comment 'losing him would be like losing a part of me' touched me.

No one is perfect and he sounds a good man.

This post really made me think, pmlindyloo. He is a good man and when I posted originally I think I did see his parents as the main problem but when I read what you wrote I'm not longer quite as sure.

I have been unhappy with lots of aspects of our relationship for some time and on several occasions have felt 'let down' by him. But until now I have just told myself I am lucky to have him and I should just deal with those things, as no relationship is perfect.

When all this first happened I tried to do the same but it's been eating away at me and it's making me question everything, like our miss-matched sex-life and the bickering. He even looks less attractive to me at the moment. So now I'm not so sure.

The thing is, we do everything together and so yes, it would be like losing a part of myself. He's always been the first person I've told about anything and I guess I depend on him. He's been my rock, until now.

I suspect with his parents they wouldn't change even if we made that suggestion but, to be honest, I really think I'd be opening a can of worms for myself if we did that. Plus the individual concerned would probably cause a massive scene on the day (they are prone to tantrums), especially now.

candygirl

lulu_92 wrote: »

Then get yourself off to Ann Summers! (no pun intended!!)

That's no solution in sustaining a ltr Being constantly rebuffed does nothing for a person's self esteem, no matter how long the relationship, or reasons for him not being up for it

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

Exactly. They do all seem to prefer to ignore things rather than communicating over them

And I'm not even sure if he is, or still would be a beneficiary.

My mother used to use the Will thing as a stick to beat me with. I couldn't care less about her money and stopped contact with her in 2003 (long story, but it's on the narcissistic mothers' thread)

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

I have been unhappy with lots of aspects of our relationship for some time and on several occasions have felt 'let down' by him. But until now I have just told myself I am lucky to have him and I should just deal with those things, as no relationship is perfect.

When all this first happened I tried to do the same but it's been eating away at me and it's making me question everything, like our miss-matched sex-life and the bickering. He even looks less attractive to me at the moment. So now I'm not so sure.

This would be a good reason to at least put the wedding on hold until the issues have been dealt with. It's not a good way to start marriage with.

MissHope

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

OP you have been together 6 years, after that period of time, many people aren't ''at it'' like rabbits after that kind of time frame. If he doesn't fancy it, it is about him, not about you. I think you are taking his knock backs personally. Would you rather he just went through the motions to please you? This is normal. I think, IMO, this issue is yours - as in low self esteem affecting your relationship. He is still with you after 6 years, which proves a lot. If he wanted someone who looked different, he wouldn't still be with you - learn to believe it. Confidence is attractive to men

Your OH is stuck in the middle with you on one side and his parents on the other, and is genuinely trying to keep everyone happy. He has defended you and told them the wedding is going ahead basically with or without them - which must be horrendously painful to know his parents wont even be there at his big day - but he has done that - for you to prove his future lies with you. He has told them everything is going ahead, what more do you want him to do, to defend you?

I think you need to cut him some slack as he is desperately trying to balance making everyone happy and no one actually is - his parents aren't even coming to the wedding and you yourself, are questioning your relationship. Your anxieties and depression IMO are amplifying things that aren't that uncommon. things do get stressy in the run up to a wedding, families demanding this or that and getting the hump if they don't get their way - let them get the hump.

He clearly wants to continue a relationship with his parents, but did you mean he went over there for Christmas day and left you alone on Christmas day?

Thank you for your comments, pickledonionspaceraider. Your points echo what the other parts of me are saying when I am going around in circles.

I know he's in an awful situation and I really don't want that for him and I also appreciate the fact he said he was going ahead with the wedding but, yes, I want him to defend me. If it was the other way around I wouldn't want to lose my parents either but I wouldn't go there without him on occasions like Christmas and I wouldn't allow them to say awful things about him in my presence.

I agree that my anxiety and depression aren't helping my take on the situation and I have tried very hard to 'cut him some slack' and just deal with what's happened - but I am getting more and more ill as a result

As for our sex life, you are absolutely right in that it probably is my problem and I don't have any confidence but I find it almost impossible to learn to be more confident (I have tried!) and also our sex life has been this way since around six months in, not after years and years. I know that it often gets less in longer term relationships and no way would I want him to just go through the motions but I do wish it was more frequent.

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

My mother used to use the Will thing as a stick to beat me with. I couldn't care less about her money and stopped contact with her in 2003 (long story, but it's on the narcissistic mothers' thread)

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, spirit. That must have been awful for you *hugs*

spirit

ok, so if your best mate confided in you with this story, what would your advice to her be?