I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

duchy

MissHope wrote: »

He has said that he thinks if he challenges them in any way they will cut him off and he couldn't handle that. He's not one to talk about his feelings but he does talk to me: our relationship hasn't ever been one-direction in terms of support. I have more issues but I have looked after him too and we do talk. He is lovely and he does want to please.

As for our sex life, at the moment that's probably the case but historically he just doesn't feel the need.

So if the wedding goes ahead without them ......is that challenging them ?

Sounds to me by not cancelling the wedding when they threw a strop and said they weren't going he has already challenged them? They are still letting him into the house ........even though step father isn't speaking to him ? (Is this someone like step father's mother or child who isn't invited btw ?)

MissHope

I feel like it's the straw, or at least it could be. I'm on the waiting list for counselling, so hopefully I'll be able to do that soon.

duchy wrote: »

No ....but she was happy to be marrying him until this point -so either the other stuff is her way of justifying walking away (rather than saying his Mother saw her off) or this is the straw that broke the camels back.

Only the OP knows which ....and if she doesn't she could consider counseling to help her sort it out in her own mind before deciding.

MissHope

duchy wrote: »

So if the wedding goes ahead without them ......is that challenging them ?

Sounds to me by not cancelling the wedding when they threw a strop and said they weren't going he has already challenged them?

No, as they have never said it shouldn't go ahead. He raised the guest list with them. They immediately walked out and then started with abusive late-night phone calls during which they were abusive towards me, said I was banned and that they wouldn't attend the wedding (his mother 'may' attend the ceremony, but that would be all). If they had said the wedding shouldn't go ahead I am not confident that he would have said it was.

When_the_going_gets_tough

Op you don't have to wait for counselling - you might be better off paying for it yourself then you can choose someone that you click with and start talking right away. As an investment in your future its a pretty important use of your money.

Birdie85

Sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time when you're supposed to be loved-up and excited about the future!

Something that stands out to me is that he is putting the ball in your court whenever the future of the relationship is discussed. He seems a bit passive, like 'Well... if you want to get married, that's good. If you don't, then I can't really do anything about it.' Meh. Surely there should be more passion and desire for you to stay?!

Don't make the mistake of getting married because you're scared of being alone or that it's your last shot at having a family (which at 36, it isn't. I know many women having babies in their 40s so don't panic!). Please. I have 3 friends who all got married because it was the 'easy' thing to do rather than actually take a step back and see that their relationships had fundamental flaws. The shortest marriage lasted 6 months, the longest 18 months. Any time you waste flogging a dead horse is time taken from your one, precious life!

On another note, the issue with his libido will definitely come into glaring focus if/when you start trying for a baby! My DH is a once-a-week kind of guy and considering that the advice for a couple trying to concieve is to have sex every other day, even this was an issue for us! TTC can quickly go from exciting to stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating and when it comes down to mismatched libidos it'll be hard not to lay the blame for each failed month on him.

Even if/when you have a baby, life will be hard. Babies are such hard work and can stretch even the happiest relationship to it's limits, and that's not even taking into account meddlesome grandmothers. Are you prepared for that?

I think you need to take a step back from everything and try to look at the relationship as an outsider- can you see the foundations for a strong, happy marriage... or will it crumble at the first sign of stress?

FBaby

Have you asked him if he has suggested to them getting all together to sort out issues once and for all? Has he told them that ultimately, if this doesn't happen, he could end up losing you, which would make him extremely unhappy and it would be hard not to blame them for it?

ecgirl07

MissHope wrote: »

I feel like it's the straw, or at least it could be. I'm on the waiting list for counselling, so hopefully I'll be able to do that soon.

What do you want?

Ideally?

And what can you compromise on?

Three issues seem make or break:

1. Sex life
2. His contact/relationship with his parents
3. How you let 1/2affect your anxiety issues

Perhaps exploring these questions will give you more focus.

pickledonionspaceraider

MissHope wrote: »

).


I also don't feel like he has stuck up for me, though I appreciate having your perspective on the situation: it's given me food for thought.

I do genuinely hope you sort this out, as you certainly do sound so down about things

pickledonionspaceraider

birdie85 wrote: »

even if/when you have a baby, life will be hard. Babies are such hard work and can stretch even the happiest relationship to it's limits, and that's not even taking into account meddlesome grandmothers.

..........Hear hear (or is it here here?)

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

He doesn't talk that much about his feelings but equally won't bottle things up if asked, and I have asked him about his feelings and tried to support him as best I can since this all started.

He won't even consider counselling and the rest of your comments echo my own fears.

All I can say to you is, I think you would be making a terrible mistake going ahead with the wedding when there are so many issues you need to sort out.

Happiness, life doesn't need to be all hearts and flowers all the time but there should be much more happiness leading up to your wedding than shines through in your posts.

Its like putting a sticking plaster over a major wound. I know too many couples who got married when there were massive doubts/issues, they are either still together and thoroughly miserable or separated/divorced.