I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

I hadn't thought of it like that, barbiedoll.

I know my parents only want me to be happy, nothing else: it's my own expectations that are causing the guilt. And I often feel like a failure, at most aspects of my life.

As to your last paragraph, I think I am a little of both: I do love him and I don't want not to be with him but I am growing increasingly resentful of him and pessimistic about our future.




Thank you to everyone that's posted for taking the time to talk me through this. I am going to focus on enjoying tonight with friends for now and then I think I need to have a talk with my OH. I think I am going to suggest postponing initially and see how he reacts to that, and then take things from there.

You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. He knows how you feel and just explain that things aren't - at the moment, how they should be on the run up to a wedding.

Is it him who's of the opinion that it'll all or nothing (that is, go ahead with the wedding or break up altogether)?

Caroline_a

MissHope I didnt say it to make you cry, but you know as I think we all do on here, that this isn't right for you.

Somewhere out there, there's someone for you. With supportive family. Or strong enough to put you before his family.

I hope 2015 is a perfect year for you xx

CRANKY40

One of my best mates has "issues" with his wife because he rarely if ever wants sex. He's actually gay and married her because he just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. I kid you not. One other question which worries me as an older parent who had to have basic fertility treatment due to gynae problems....what happens if you get married, you decide you want a baby and he decided he never wants sex again?

To me the parent issues are secondary. The mismatched libido is a much bigger problem knowing the angst it causes. I've been widowed for 5 years, have stayed single all that time and can quite happily go without. What I couldn't cope with is living with someone who didn't want a physical relationship with me. I'd be thinking they didn't find me attractive or that there was something wrong with me which to be fair is the point my mate's missus is at just now.

candygirl

CRANKY40 wrote: »

One of my best mates has "issues" with his wife because he rarely if ever wants sex. He's actually gay and married her because he just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. I kid you not. One other question which worries me as an older parent who had to have basic fertility treatment due to gynae problems....what happens if you get married, you decide you want a baby and he decided he never wants sex again?

To me the parent issues are secondary. The mismatched libido is a much bigger problem knowing the angst it causes. I've been widowed for 5 years, have stayed single all that time and can quite happily go without. What I couldn't cope with is living with someone who didn't want a physical relationship with me. I'd be thinking they didn't find me attractive or that there was something wrong with me which to be fair is the point my mate's missus is at just now.

Poor woman! No need for him to deny his sexuality, in this day and age

CRANKY40

candygirl wrote: »

Poor woman! No need for him to deny his sexuality, in this day and age

She's not his first wife, the first one divorced him for the same reasons that the second one isn't happy and he's working on it. If anyone else said it I'd say they were making it up.

candygirl

CRANKY40 wrote: »

She's not his first wife, the first one divorced him for the same reasons that the second one isn't happy and he's working on it. If anyone else said it I'd say they were making it up.

Not good

Seanymph

I had doubts, and went ahead because I didn't want to embarrass everyone - on the way to the church I made the car pull over and was told by the driver that I had to go in and tell the 250 people myself because he wasn't about to do it.

Lasted less than 6 months - sometimes it's not cold feet, it's your self preservation screaming 'don't do it!'. I should have listened.

Don't do anything for any negative reasons - if you don't want to do it, then don't.

MissHope

Caroline_a wrote: »

MissHope I didnt say it to make you cry, but you know as I think we all do on here, that this isn't right for you.

Somewhere out there, there's someone for you. With supportive family. Or strong enough to put you before his family.

I hope 2015 is a perfect year for you xx

I know you didn't, lovely: pretty much anything and everything makes me cry at the moment but I think what you wrote struck a chord.

And thank you: that mean's an awful lot. I hope it's a perfect year for you also xx

CRANKY40 wrote: »

One of my best mates has "issues" with his wife because he rarely if ever wants sex. He's actually gay and married her because he just wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. I kid you not. One other question which worries me as an older parent who had to have basic fertility treatment due to gynae problems....what happens if you get married, you decide you want a baby and he decided he never wants sex again?

To me the parent issues are secondary. The mismatched libido is a much bigger problem knowing the angst it causes. I've been widowed for 5 years, have stayed single all that time and can quite happily go without. What I couldn't cope with is living with someone who didn't want a physical relationship with me. I'd be thinking they didn't find me attractive or that there was something wrong with me which to be fair is the point my mate's missus is at just now.

It is an awful position for anyone to be in; I really feel for your mate's missus. As other posters have said, I also can't believe your mate feels he cannot be open about his sexuality. What a horrible situation for all concerned.

And I am sorry to hear that you lost your partner, cranky40: that must have been horrendously difficult for you.

Until now, it's always been something I've felt sad about but have accepted but the recent events have made me question everything about our relationship.

Seanymph wrote: »

I had doubts, and went ahead because I didn't want to embarrass everyone - on the way to the church I made the car pull over and was told by the driver that I had to go in and tell the 250 people myself because he wasn't about to do it.

Lasted less than 6 months - sometimes it's not cold feet, it's your self preservation screaming 'don't do it!'. I should have listened.

Don't do anything for any negative reasons - if you don't want to do it, then don't.

Thank you for sharing your own experience - your perspective is one I hadn't thought of.

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. He knows how you feel and just explain that things aren't - at the moment, how they should be on the run up to a wedding.

Is it him who's of the opinion that it'll all or nothing (that is, go ahead with the wedding or break up altogether)?

I haven't raised postponing with him yet, spirit, so I'm not sure. My gut tells me he'll have an 'all or nothing' reaction and to be perfectly honest, I think I feel a little like that too. I'm not sure time would make a difference to the issues we have. But I do intend talking all this over with him sometime soon.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I'm not sure time would make a difference to the issues we have.

So if you go ahead with the wedding, you'll be living with these issues for the rest of the marriage?