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I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

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Comments

  • purpleshoes_2
    purpleshoes_2 Posts: 2,653 Forumite
    The issues the op is going through with her partner won't fix themselves and if he won't consider counselling then the relationship is as good as over. There are far too many negatives to go through with the wedding and it saddens me that women feel that they need to consider settling for someone who doesn't make them happy rather than be single.

    There are worse things to be than 30 something or above and single.

    He has to make some effort. He's currently making nil. Relationships where one person does all the emotional work and the other person does little won't work in the long term.

    It's fine to love someone and care for them when things are going wrong and it's fine to have mixed feelings about ending a relationship that's not working.

    Going through with a marriage not to let other people down, because you want kids and don't care for being single aren't reasons you should be building a life with someone. There has to be positives as well.
  • ecgirl07
    ecgirl07 Posts: 662 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture
    The issues the op is going through with her partner won't fix themselves and if he won't consider counselling then the relationship is as good as over. There are far too many negatives to go through with the wedding and it saddens me that women feel that they need to consider settling for someone who doesn't make them happy rather than be single.

    There are worse things to be than 30 something or above and single.

    He has to make some effort. He's currently making nil. Relationships where one person does all the emotional work and the other person does little won't work in the long term.

    It's fine to love someone and care for them when things are going wrong and it's fine to have mixed feelings about ending a relationship that's not working.

    Going through with a marriage not to let other people down, because you want kids and don't care for being single aren't reasons you should be building a life with someone. There has to be positives as well.

    Thats a bit harsh on him. He is juggling his parents and wife to be. He is not running away. He is relatively happy caught in the middle and desperately trying not be forced into deciding between wife or parents. It would be interesting to hear his side.

    Whatever they have its worked for 6 years, isues have been brought to a head and it is entirely possible they can work through them or it may break them.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    ecgirl07 wrote: »
    Whatever they have its worked for 6 years, isues have been brought to a head and it is entirely possible they can work through them or it may break them.

    Relationships sometimes 'work' because one person puts up with a lot and does all the compromising. It's only when something makes them look hard at the relationship that they start to wonder whether it's worth staying it in.
  • purpleshoes_2
    purpleshoes_2 Posts: 2,653 Forumite
    Shouting matches where they end up swearing at one another really isn't positive. As for the issue with his parents, he left her alone on Xmas day to go there and if she married him that's the way it would always be until they come round? No he shouldn't have to choose but leaving her alone while he went to theirs on Xmas day is a pretty strong statement to make as far as I'm concerned.

    I've been in relationships where the other person would have been perfectly happy to keep things as they were, regardless of whether I was happy or not.

    The fact that this man doesn't want to consider counselling is a really bad sign, the brush it under the carpet and pretend all will be right in the end might work for him but if she goes ahead with this marriage the way things are, they'll both be unhappy. As I said before a wedding ring won't solve the issues they have.

    He's not posted on here, we can only advise people with what they choose to give other forum members.
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    trolleyrun wrote: »
    I agree completely, Spirit. OP, please don't settle for second best. You deserved THE best.

    Deannatrois, you say being alone isn't very nice. Well, I cannot agree with that. I've been on my own for quite some time now and I love it. I actually can't visualise living with someone.


    Me too, I wouldn't want to live with someone now either- I have had opportunities to, but chose not to.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • Arrrgh, I didn't say being alone isn't very nice, I said that the OP was concerned about living on her own.

    I live very happily on my own!
  • purpleshoes_2
    purpleshoes_2 Posts: 2,653 Forumite
    Arrrgh, I didn't say being alone isn't very nice, I said that the OP was concerned about living on her own.

    I live very happily on my own!

    I think the fact that the OP has been in relationships most of her adult life probably isn't helping.

    If you were someone who had lived alone most of your life or had periods where you were single and happy, then being single in your 30s might not seem so daunting.

    It wasn't daunting for me, I left a long term relationship in my mid 30s, sometimes leaving even when you know something isn't working isn't easy, you can still care for someone even though you know things aren't right, loads of emotions mixed in, but for me, eventually the positives of leaving far outweighed the negatives and I knew my bf at the time wouldn't make any changes, he was a stick his head in the sand sort of person and I wasn't happy and knew I wouldn't be if we stayed together longer, but having been single for part of my 20s, being on my own again really wasn't scary.

    I think if someone has always been part of a couple, it could influence the decision they make.
  • MissHope
    MissHope Posts: 108 Forumite
    Thank you everyone for your comments!
    FBaby wrote: »
    Postponing is only of benefit if you work on a solution during that time. Counselling is not an option if he can't feel comfortable opening up to a stranger, so it will have to be a case of working it out together. Could you come up with a list of compromises and go from there? You need to make it clear though that if you are prepared to make the first move to discuss things, he needs to participate in finding solutions, you can't do it all alone with him pretending to go along what you suggest.

    I have tried asking him what his ideal scenario would be and if he can suggest ways to compromise but he can't/ won't give me much: his ideal scenario is for us to go ahead and marry and for everyone to get on (mine too!). He says he doesn't know how this can happen, can't think of any ways to compromise (on any of our issues) and can't see any ways forward. I asked him if he thought us saying the guest that caused issue would be welcome but he said it'd 'too late' for that and that it wouldn't change anything. He still assures me that our sex life will get better and that if his parents caused problems after we were married he would then take my side. I asked why he wouldn't do so now and he couldn't answer me, just kept saying he would stand up to them in the future - but I am struggling to believe him.

    He says he his happy 'most of the time' with our relationship and assures me he has passion for me and finds me attractive. He's promised to 'keep thinking' of ways to compromise has been saying that for several days now, so I am losing any hope of him contributing anything.
    I dont think you'll ever be happy with him. Being in a relationship should not be about carrying someone.

    This is what I fear.
    Mojisola wrote: »
    He doesn't seem to think you and the future marriage are worth fighting for.

    If he felt you were an important part of his life and his future, he would be willing to at least try to work things out.

    That's how it seems to me, too - and it hurts.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,374 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    He says he his happy 'most of the time' with our relationship and assures me he has passion for me and finds me attractive. He's promised to 'keep thinking' of ways to compromise has been saying that for several days now, so I am losing any hope of him contributing anything.

    Several days and you are losing hope? It takes my husband weeks to come up with solutions to issues, but when he does, it is worth the wait. It is odd how different people react differently because his response would actually reassure me. It shows that he is being honest (he doesn't see how it can be resolved now), but wants to think about it and come up with some (rather than just saying what you want to hear for peace and quiet).

    As it's been said, it's not like there is one easy solution for him that he will just find with a light bulb moment. He loves you, you love him, and he is treating you well over all, surely that is worth giving it a bit more time to be certain you have no future together? I totally agree that postponing the wedding is a good idea (and he has agreed to it), but breaking up seems quite extreme at this stage. At least that's my view, but I know how much harder it is to fall in love again with a good man after a certain age, so I think when there is one there, it is worth trying to make it work with them.
  • MissHope
    MissHope Posts: 108 Forumite
    miranda1 wrote: »
    OP I hope you can read this.

    Don't get married.

    The reason for saying this is because I am laying out here the reasons my relationship is sex less. I am the man who promised his soon to be wife that we would have more sex but I don't have the libido.

    Can I talk truthfully to her about it? No. It would ruin the marriage

    As I stood there on the wedding day looking at my wife, I felt I should be saying I was the luckiest Man alive, isn't my wife stunning etc etc but in truth it would have been untrue.

    The lack of libido is probably down to the fact I don't fancy my wife. At the beginning of the relationship I was the opposite but something one day changed (I don't know what) and from then on it deteriorated to probably a few times a year now.

    There are times I have done it unwillingly and the majority of the time as an end result of an argument over it. What I am trying to say to you is that being married means it is difficult to walk away from it all. You don't want to be the wife sobbing in the sofa feeling dejected and end up having sympathy sex.

    If you are in any doubt you shouldn't do it. To a degree I wish I could turn the clock back several years and from the bottom of my heart I hope you decide to call it off.

    You can't turn the sex drive on and the promise of more sex by your boyfriend I am sorry will never materialise.

    Thank you for being so open and honest; it's really valuable to have a man's perspective. We've already had many arguments and many tears and I fear he doesn't fancy me. He promises that he does, and is usually the most honest person you could meet so I want to believe him but perhaps he is lying to me in an effort to protect my feelings.

    I think for me lack of libido (amognst the other problems the OP has described) would be an issue for me. I could not live a sexless life as much as i might love the person. I know some couples cope ok with it but i think in those cases it is a mutual thing. When there is such a big difference i think it will cause issues. Do you want this for the rest of your (married) life OP?

    No, I don't: I crave passion and a regular sex life.

    Devil's Advocate, I have responded to your comments in blue:
    So in the perfect world, what do you want to happen with your husband and his family. What exactly do you want him to say / do? Do you want him to cut them off? He can't get his parents to invite you, that has to come from them. However, you can control how you react to this.

    In a perfect world I would like to feel that we're a team and he has my back, so when his mother spent an hour and a half slagging me off I would like him to have told her (politely) that he doesn't want to hear her disrespecting me; that it's disrespecting him, too. With the ban I get that he has no control over it but ideally I would have liked him to have said that we are a package deal, so we'll either be both be at family events or neither of us - or at least have told her he wasn't happy with their choice but that he's respecting it. I don't want him to cut them off and have told him so. The issue is that he's so afraid that if he says anything to them or challenges them in any way then THEY will cut HIM off and so it's like I no longer exist with them. His step-dad hasn't said anything more than hello/ goodbye to him for weeks because of this situation but he'd rather keep going there and being blanked than risk losing them altogether.

    I have tried to react in a way that minimises the awful position he's in and support his choices but ultimately I am not strong enough to be one of those women that just shrug and get on with life; this is eating away at me and making me utterly miserable.


    I think the situation you describe with your husband and his family is not that uncommon. You said your husband visited his parents on Christmas day but was only there a short time. To me this shows him trying to do the best to suit everyone.

    I know he is, though he never spends more than an hour or two with them over Christmas anyway - they never make an effort to make us feel welcome and just give him jobs to do so he always gets restless after a little while and announces we're leaving.

    My husband would never believe me when I said how his mum made me feel uncomfortable. I remember one Christmas day and I had a row with my then fiance. He stormed off and I later found out that he'd fallen asleep in his room. After an hour, I jokingly said that I may as well be at home. The next thing I knew, I was in my car and my MIL-to-be had scraped all the frost off my windows and was waving me off! I didn't really want to go! Luckily, my fiance woke up and got down to the car before I pulled away.

    Some 15 years after our marriage and couple of things happened which made him see his mum in a new light. After the second thing, he said to me that he would cut all contact with them if that was what I wanted. I said it wasn't as I would hate for one of my sons to do that to me.

    And somehow over the last couple of years I have started to feel more comfortable with her. However, she still misses me out though when giving "family" gifts. We've been married nearly 20 years and together 25, so a long time coming.

    I'm sorry you've had that experience; it can't have been easy for you.

    Getting married and having children was really important to me. And I think in your position I would try to make it work if at all possible. There may not be anyone else out there and all marriages take work.

    This is also what I fear. I am really trying to make it work but how can we move forward when he won't meet me halfway, or even suggest a way to compromise?

    Good luck.

    Thank you!
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