I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry if I was blunt in my post. I really don't have any inkling what is best for you, I just know that sometimes we can make very final decision on how we feel at a particular time and then live to regret them. However, your latest posts make it seems that it is not a new feeling, on the opposite, in which case, not only does it seem best for you to move on, but it is the fairest thing to do for him as clearly he also deserves someone who does find him attractive and can be satisfied with the sexual intimacy he can share.

No need to apologise! Sometimes blunt is best and I'd much rather have someone's honest opinion.

No, it's not new, it's just until now I felt more optimistic and better able to cope.

Birdie85

How are things going MissHope???

MissHope

Hi Birdie85! Thank you for checking in. Things are all still a bit undecided at the moment. I am still giving him time to suggest compromises/ a way forward and I gave him space last weekend by staying with my parents...but we're no further forward. We've agreed we'll have a proper talk this weekend, so I guess that may be a turning point one way or the other.


Most of the time I feel pretty sure that we absolutely should not go ahead with the wedding, and that the relationship isn't the best thing for either of us as I've come to realise that it's actually quite co-dependent and all the problems detailed on this thread remain. But then he gives me a cuddle, or makes me a warm drink and I have a bit of a wibble, thinking of losing his companionship and I still worry about potentially being alone and not finding anyone else who'd want me...

spirit

That's not a valid reason for marrying him Misshope

MissHope

I know, spirit, I'm just finding it really difficult to be the one to draw the line.

supermassive

Sometimes boys are too used to being told what to do by their mothers and they forget to grow up.

My advice is to take the "that's too bad" approach. Their parental responsibility has been lifted but his responsibility as a (future) husband is to you and nobody else.

quantumleap

MH,

I've dipped into your thread over the last while and have been tempted to post on a few occasions. I don't know why, but I feel the need to declare that I am male, married with kids ( don't know why, but there you go!)

Anyway, I just think that this problem needs to be dealt with in stages rather than looked at as a whole - because as a whole it is quite daunting. So, first things first, you need to decide on whether or not to proceed with the wedding. Clearly, you can't - you've expressed far too many doubts, concerns, worries on here for that to be a possibility.

So discuss with your OH, postone the wedding, be honest with him - explain the whole relationship is on the line. Give it some time without wedding pressures and having discussed and declared your concerns and then make a decision regarding the next problem - i.e. do I still want to be with him.

The big picture is way to big - little steps.

freightexec2009

Hi MissHope!

I to have been reading your thread and can relate to a lot of what you have said and the thoughts/feelings you are having - yet I did it and married!

I totally agree with quantumleap in that you have to deal with things little by little & I would really recommend that you seek the help of a counsellor to help with that.

I previously read that you were looking, have you found one yet?

From what you are saying and in my honest opinion I to think that you should postpone but by the sounds of it you won't be able to do that or get to that point until you seek some help for your thoughts, confidence, next steps ... - I really wish I had done that.

XXX

FBaby

MissHope wrote: »

I know, spirit, I'm just finding it really difficult to be the one to draw the line.

At least you are being honest with yourself (and posters). Indeed, giving up good companionship is something that is very hard to let go of, which is why many people do still stay together despite not being in love any longer. Some do fine that way, others don't.

MissHope

quantumleap wrote: »

MH,

I've dipped into your thread over the last while and have been tempted to post on a few occasions. I don't know why, but I feel the need to declare that I am male, married with kids ( don't know why, but there you go!)

Anyway, I just think that this problem needs to be dealt with in stages rather than looked at as a whole - because as a whole it is quite daunting. So, first things first, you need to decide on whether or not to proceed with the wedding. Clearly, you can't - you've expressed far too many doubts, concerns, worries on here for that to be a possibility.

So discuss with your OH, postone the wedding, be honest with him - explain the whole relationship is on the line. Give it some time without wedding pressures and having discussed and declared your concerns and then make a decision regarding the next problem - i.e. do I still want to be with him.

The big picture is way to big - little steps.

Thank you, quantumleap: that's good advice. I will take that as my starting point for our talk this weekend.

freightexec2009 wrote: »

Hi MissHope!

I to have been reading your thread and can relate to a lot of what you have said and the thoughts/feelings you are having - yet I did it and married!

I totally agree with quantumleap in that you have to deal with things little by little & I would really recommend that you seek the help of a counsellor to help with that.

I previously read that you were looking, have you found one yet?

From what you are saying and in my honest opinion I to think that you should postpone but by the sounds of it you won't be able to do that or get to that point until you seek some help for your thoughts, confidence, next steps ... - I really wish I had done that.

XXX

My doctor's appointment is for a week today, so that's when I am going to ask to go back to a counsellor. I also put myself on the counselling service waiting list through my workplace before Christmas...but I am still waiting.

So we're going to have to make a decision on postponing/ cancelling the wedding before I see anyone, as from later this month further installments have to be paid - and the invitations should have gone out by now

I hope you don't mind me asking (and feel free to ignore this question if you do) but are you glad you went ahead with your marriage, freightexec2009?

FBaby wrote: »

At least you are being honest with yourself (and posters). Indeed, giving up good companionship is something that is very hard to let go of, which is why many people do still stay together despite not being in love any longer. Some do fine that way, others don't.

That is SO true, Fbaby. Which is why I keep wibbling.