I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

Wi88le

MissHope wrote: »

Most of the time I feel pretty sure that we absolutely should not go ahead with the wedding, and that the relationship isn't the best thing for either of us as I've come to realise that it's actually quite co-dependent and all the problems detailed on this thread remain. But then he gives me a cuddle, or makes me a warm drink and I have a bit of a wibble, thinking of losing his companionship and I still worry about potentially being alone and not finding anyone else who'd want me...

A Wibble here open to offers:rotfl:

In all seriousness though you need to consider this...
(As discussed in the OS singlies thread I think it was)

Whilst this probably isn't something either of you have considered, marriage may give him some claim over the house, that alone should give you enough reason to cancel the wedding when looked at from your current perspective, your future security depends upon it. Your relationship isn't going to be in an irreversible position if you call off the wedding, he moves out and then you change your minds after he is forced to change the status quo, but that sounds unlikely to happen IMHO.

Edit I know might sound a bit cold thinking like this but it is a reality that you could marry now and in a few years be left in a much messier situation than cancelling the wedding.

MissHope wrote: »

I know, but he's not making it easy. We actually live in my house (he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and never has) but when I said I thought it'd be best if he moved out on the weekend he first refused and then got angry and said I'd need to give him time to sort out somewhere to go. I said fine but since then he keeps telling me to 'think seriously' about the whole thing, as if he goes 'there's no going back'. I have told him several times I have thought about it and although I don't want things to be ending this way, I can't see how we can possibly do anything else now but each time he says I need to do more thinking.

MissHope

greenval wrote: »

I'm so sorry Miss Hope, I know it's hard. Does it help if instead of looking forward and wondering what will happen think about how you might feel as a much older woman looking back on a life with your fianc! that has continued just as it is now. Would you feel happy and content with the life you had. At present you have a chance to make your future how you want it to be, one day that won't be the case.

Thank you, greenval. You're right, of course: I wouldn't want to look back and see that my life had been like this for an extended period of time.

candygirl wrote: »

When's the wedding supposed to be ?:eek:

Three months' time!

skattykatty wrote: »

Your 'whole world for 6 years' does that sound more palatable than 7? 10? 20?

Absolutely. I hadn't thought of it like that.

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

Couldn't he head home to his parents while he finds somewhere to live?

itsanne wrote: »

Tell him he can go to stay with his parents until he finds somewhere else as it's too difficult living with him now. If he doesn't want to do that - too bad.

That's where he would go, if/ when he left.

I think he's reluctant to because a) he doesn't even want to broach living there (again - he was living with them before he moved in with me) with them and b) there's only one spare bed which is already taken on weekends so he's probably thinking he'll be on the sofa - they don't ever put him first.

MissHope

deannatrois wrote: »

With my second relationship, I thought I was choosing different, imagine my horror when I began to realise I'd got the same, just in a different package. Very passive aggressive.

My first ex refused to leave the home.., I finally managed to get through to him how serious I was, found him somewhere to live but ended up living in it myself at first.

The second was quite bad, it wasn't just passive aggression. I was asking him to move out the first time (yep, I did it twice, more fool me) for months.., it was only after he turned really nasty he left. In spite of 'you'll be turning me out onto the streets' he found friends to stay with. Most people have friends who'll put you up for a while in an emergency. I learned a harsh lesson, and will never be made to feel quilty like that again. People like this are surprisingly able when pushed. They are survivers. So don't let this stop you doing what you feel you ought to.

But at the same time, make sure you have emotional back up. It will probably be rough emotionally so find a support network if you can. And get some counselling.., MIND have been quite good with me, a lot of GP surgeries do six sessions for free, then you can ask to be referred for longer term counselling if you need it. It helps. They do evening and Saturday sessions if you need this too.

I am so sorry you had to go through that twice :eek: That must have been awful for you. You're right, though, they do make you feel guilty - I certainly do.

Luckily, I have extremely supportive parents and a small number of incredibly supportive friends. I'll ask my GO about the MIND sessions on Friday, thank you.

Wi88le wrote: »

A Wibble here open to offers:rotfl:

In all seriousness though you need to consider this...
(As discussed in the OS singlies thread I think it was)

Whilst this probably isn't something either of you have considered, marriage may give him some claim over the house, that alone should give you enough reason to cancel the wedding when looked at from your current perspective, your future security depends upon it. Your relationship isn't going to be in an irreversible position if you call off the wedding, he moves out and then you change your minds after he is forced to change the status quo, but that sounds unlikely to happen IMHO.

Edit I know might sound a bit cold thinking like this but it is a reality that you could marry now and in a few years be left in a much messier situation than cancelling the wedding.

Ahaha, Wi88le, you have the username I should have - because I'm always a-wibbling about almost any decision!

Actually, my parents raised that same thing (and they're not usually like that in their thinking, either). And not just the house, my inheritance from them, too. It hadn't occured to me either but when they raised it I decided to test the waters by saying if we go ahead I wanted a prenup (this was a few weeks ago and I didn't really want one, I just wanted to see how he'd react). Saying that also made him angry; he said he was insulted that I didn't trust him and if we split he would only take what he'd put in but that he would NOT be signing anything.




Last night he kept asking me to think and I kept telling him I had and we can't go any further. He said we can work through this, given time (!) and we've come too far to give up now (we have been through a lot). He keeps cuddling me, which I do find hard to pull away from. I have tried to explain that although I didn't want this outcome, and it's hurting me too, there is no way forward. But when I say that he goes back to how he's given me a compromise - he genuinely doesn't seem to be able to see that what he's offered is neither a compromise nor a resolution or just what's wrong with the situation with his parents. He maintains that he is defending me because the wedding is, in his mind, going ahead and because he broached the guest list with them in the first place and that talking to them 'won't change anything'.

I repeatedly told him my perspective and that I still want him to leave and each time he responded with he doesn't believe that's what I actually want and that he 'loves me too much' to 'give up on us' yet.

I am going back to my parents' for the night tonight.

atolaas

He has parents...can't he go and stay with them? If not the sofa then a sleeping bag on the lounge floor Sadly the more you tell us about this guy...the more the alarm bells start to ring. He is coming across as very controlling and manipulative, slowly chipping away at your self esteem. I find it difficult to feel any sympathy for him at all TBH. Good luck to you x


I'm just itching for you to tell him where he can stuff his compromise...its your home, you've worked hard pay the mortgage each month. He is being completely unreasonable.

[Deleted User]

I agree that his reaction isn't encouraging.., I know it must leave you feeling quite mixed up and torn emotionally because after living with you for six years, he knows which buttons to press. Just remember that that is what he is doing.., pushing buttons.

In the end, this used to leave me quite annoyed.

I had quite a time with my ex, he even sent the Police around to 'claim' a dog that he said was his (brought him back five hours later after a lot of upset). I've gradually put my foot down more and more. And we are at the last stages now.., just the odd text. Its not pleasant going through the process, but things are a lot more stable now (and I have two kids so you can imagine how it was for them).

Fortunately you don't have things like that to sort out.., but if he's that way inclined, he will try to press buttons for a while.

ERICS_MUM

You and I are strangers yet when I read your posts I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. He will never change, in fact he is more likely to get worse especially once you are legally tied and he knows it's more difficult for you to "get rid". Having children will bind you tighter for at least 18 years.

Please please please do not marry this man.

(If my words upset you I'm so sorry, it's not my intention xxxx)

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I think he's reluctant to because a) he doesn't even want to broach living there (again - he was living with them before he moved in with me) with them and b) there's only one spare bed which is already taken on weekends so he's probably thinking he'll be on the sofa - they don't ever put him first.

And yet he has always taken their side rather than supporting you?

It's your house but you are going to stay with your parents because you don't want to be around him - set a date and tell him he has to leave by them!

Is there anyone who could come and stay at your house with you for a few days? That would make it harder for him to keep cuddling up to you and trying to make you change your mind.

itsanne

MissHope wrote: »

That's where he would go, if/ when he left.

I think he's reluctant to because a) he doesn't even want to broach living there (again - he was living with them before he moved in with me) with them and b) there's only one spare bed which is already taken on weekends so he's probably thinking he'll be on the sofa - they don't ever put him first.

If/when is worrying. You've told him to go and he's refusing.

His reluctance to broach moving back in with his parents is his problem, not yours. He won't end up out on the street, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

MissHope wrote: »

they do make you feel guilty - I certainly do. As above. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Actually, my parents raised that same thing (and they're not usually like that in their thinking, either). All the more reson to listen to their obvious concern about going ahead. And not just the house, my inheritance from them, too. It hadn't occured to me either but when they raised it I decided to test the waters by saying if we go ahead I wanted a prenup (this was a few weeks ago and I didn't really want one, I just wanted to see how he'd react). Saying that also made him angry; he said he was insulted that I didn't trust him and if we split he would only take what he'd put in but that he would NOT be signing anything.




Last night he kept asking me to think and I kept telling him I had and we can't go any further. He said we can work through this, given time (!) and we've come too far to give up now (we have been through a lot). He keeps cuddling me, which I do find hard to pull away from. I have tried to explain that although I didn't want this outcome, and it's hurting me too, there is no way forward. But when I say that he goes back to how he's given me a compromise - he genuinely doesn't seem to be able to see that what he's offered is neither a compromise nor a resolution or just what's wrong with the situation with his parents. He maintains that he is defending me because the wedding is, in his mind, going ahead and because he broached the guest list with them in the first place and that talking to them 'won't change anything'.

I repeatedly told him my perspective and that I still want him to leave and each time he responded with he doesn't believe that's what I actually want and that he 'loves me too much' to 'give up on us' yet.

I am going back to my parents' for the night tonight.

The more you've said as time has gone on, the more concerning the situation is. He is coming across as very controlling and unwilling to take on board what you want.

You've asked him to leave your house: he hasn't. Instead you are going to your parents. That is just so wrong! (Not you getting away from him, but he should be the one staying with parents.)

atolaas wrote: »

He has parents...can't he go and stay with them? If not the sofa then a sleeping bag on the lounge floor Sadly the more you tell us about this guy...the more the alarm bells start to ring. He is coming across as very controlling and manipulative, slowly chipping away at your self esteem. I find it difficult to feel any sympathy for him at all TBH. Good luck to you x


I'm just itching for you to tell him where he can stuff his compromise...its your home, you've worked hard pay the mortgage each month. He is being completely unreasonable.

This

MissHope, how do you think he will respond when you tell him he has to leave? It might be best to have someone else there, possibly your parents.

snowleopard61

MissHope, I haven’t posted on your thread before because I just couldn’t think of anything helpful to say. All I do have to say now is that I am sure that the decision you are in the process of making is the right one. Although I’m happy in the relationship I’m in, your personality sounds so like mine in many ways that I really feel for you in making this choice. I do wish you well, and I’d like to think your main feeling will be one of relief. I hope the practical aspects of your course of action won’t be too painful and difficult to work out. All the very best to you. xx