I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

freightexec2009

MissHope wrote: »

My doctor's appointment is for a week today, so that's when I am going to ask to go back to a counsellor. I also put myself on the counselling service waiting list through my workplace before Christmas...but I am still waiting.

So we're going to have to make a decision on postponing/ cancelling the wedding before I see anyone, as from later this month further installments have to be paid - and the invitations should have gone out by now

I hope you don't mind me asking (and feel free to ignore this question if you do) but are you glad you went ahead with your marriage, freightexec2009?

The wedding will add a lot more pressure and that's how I felt, like it was going along at a rate that I couldn't keep pace and the added pressure of people asking "when are you sending your invitations?" "Should you be doing this by now?" "The deposit on xxx is due"... truth of the matter is I didn't want to for the pure fact that I didn't know if it was the right thing for me to do & it all snowballed.

In answer to your question therefore.. No I wish that we hadn't got married. My thoughts and feelings haven't changed, just that I am getting to a place now through counselling which is making me realise what I should have done pre wedding.

XXX

weeblesim

Hi MissHope, I've been following your thread for a while and I would like to give my views.

My day job is a therapist (accredited by the BABCP), I've not read all of your posts but most of the early ones. What you need to ask yourself is what do you hope to gain from going to see a counselor? If your hoping that the correct answer will come to you in a few sessions that you may be disappointed. Your therapist will ask you a series of self reflecting questions which you have already been doing. Which although is great, it hasn't got you much further.

What I've learnt from my experience in both life and doing the job I am in is: the comments and thoughts that you are censoring i.e. not saying to your partner and other parties are the ones that need addressing, first with yourself then others. The right decisions for a person's happiness are usually the hardest to both admit and execute. If you are not first in your life and essentially put your happiness first then others around don't get the best version of you (this sounds selfish and is a sense of easier said than done, but at times people really need this mentality). People often don't realise this until they took the easier route for a variety of reasons.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

MissHope

freightexec2009 wrote: »

The wedding will add a lot more pressure and that's how I felt, like it was going along at a rate that I couldn't keep pace and the added pressure of people asking "when are you sending your invitations?" "Should you be doing this by now?" "The deposit on xxx is due"... truth of the matter is I didn't want to for the pure fact that I didn't know if it was the right thing for me to do & it all snowballed.

In answer to your question therefore.. No I wish that we hadn't got married. My thoughts and feelings haven't changed, just that I am getting to a place now through counselling which is making me realise what I should have done pre wedding.

XXX

Thank you for being so honest about your own experience. I am sorry that you weren't able to get the counselling beforehand but I can totally relate to the pre-wedding momentum pressure.

weeblesim wrote: »

Hi MissHope, I've been following your thread for a while and I would like to give my views.

My day job is a therapist (accredited by the BABCP), I've not read all of your posts but most of the early ones. What you need to ask yourself is what do you hope to gain from going to see a counselor? If your hoping that the correct answer will come to you in a few sessions that you may be disappointed. Your therapist will ask you a series of self reflecting questions which you have already been doing. Which although is great, it hasn't got you much further.

What I've learnt from my experience in both life and doing the job I am in is: the comments and thoughts that you are censoring i.e. not saying to your partner and other parties are the ones that need addressing, first with yourself then others. The right decisions for a person's happiness are usually the hardest to both admit and execute. If you are not first in your life and essentially put your happiness first then others around don't get the best version of you (this sounds selfish and is a sense of easier said than done, but at times people really need this mentality). People often don't realise this until they took the easier route for a variety of reasons.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

Hi weeblesim. Thank you for sharing your professional insight. What I really am hoping for with the counselling is the ability to be more confident, to learn how to develop some self esteem. Because I do recognise that I am not able to make myself happy and have depended on my OH for my happiness. Clarity on my situation would be a benefit but isn't expected - I have had counselling in the past and it never solved situational problems, only the way I reacted to them.

I have been thinking hard about what I may be censoring and am drawing a blank - how can I identify what this could be?




I talked with my OH over the weekend. He dismissed postponing completely, saying time won't alter our situation and so he either wants to go ahead or cancel. He'd prefer the former but recognises things currently aren't as they should be for a husband and wife to be. However, he couldn't think of any ways forward, or any ways to compromise or even a way to articulate what his 'ideal' scenario would be.

I laid my cards on the table and he again promised the issues with our sex life would change (but he doesn't know how - he claims he does want more than we have and blamed me for not making a move often enough - I stopped because he kept rejecting me) and also promised that if his parents caused further issues *after* we are married that he will defend me. I asked what about their behaviour now and how I could trust that he would have my back after I married him and he said because then I would be his wife, so my status would have changed.

He maintains that he cannot/ will not say anything to them, not even asking them to sit down and talk with us to try and find some sort of way forward. He says doing so won't change anything and saying anything at all to them would only make things worse. I asked if that would stand even if it would save us, and he said yes: he won't say anything to them, even if it could potentially save our relationship.

At that point I felt completely hopeless, so said I couldn't see any way we could stay together. He didn't believe I was serious but after further talking, the penny dropped and he announced he'd thought of a compromise: he won't go there without me on special occasions. I asked when he was going to tell them that and he said not yet, he'd tell them 'when they needed to know', so I am going to have to trust he would actually do it. I said I didn't think that would work as a compromise as even if he did do it I can see it causing all sort of problems for him, and he just keeps repeating I asked for a compromise and he's given me one.

We're now at the point where he's refusing to believe that I feel we cannot move forward.

millysg1

Glad to hear you had your chat but sorry that it sounds like nothing has actually changed. Promises wouldn't be enough for me. Promises of change after the wedding aren't enough. If the relationship isn't impirtant enough now to make the effort for it to work, a certificate won't change that but make it.
Does he just think you'll never leave him, as you have said before how dependent on him you feel so he doesn't see a needful things to change.

Mojisola

millysg1 wrote: »

If the relationship isn't important enough now to make the effort for it to work, a certificate won't change that

Absolutely this!

MissHope wrote: »

He dismissed postponing completely, saying time won't alter our situation and so he either wants to go ahead or cancel. He'd prefer the former but recognises things currently aren't as they should be for a husband and wife to be. However, he couldn't think of any ways forward, or any ways to compromise or even a way to articulate what his 'ideal' scenario would be.

He's happy with how things are, sees no need to change and can't even imagine an improved relationship.

I asked what about their behaviour now and how I could trust that he would have my back after I married him and he said because then I would be his wife, so my status would have changed.
We're now at the point where he's refusing to believe that I feel we cannot move forward.

He has realised he might lose you for ever but he still won't make changes NOW, just at some vague time in the future.

Your status will have changed after the marriage - it will be a lot more difficult for you to break up the marriage than it will to break up now.:(

Think very seriously about going through with the marriage until he has shown that he can change OR accept that this going to be your life.

[Deleted User]

I still believe that the dynamics within this relationship aren't good. If he has no insight (as he is showing), I don't see how this can be a fulfilling relationship for either of you.

I was in two relationships with people who promised the earth.., but did nothing. All my suggestions that words meant far far less than actions hit a wall. It was quite denigrating to realise I, and our relationship meant so little to them in spite of them saying I meant everything. It really damaged me. Anyone can do words. Only someone who really loves you puts them into action. And deep down, we know that. So self esteem falls.

And I think you can see through what he's saying. You don't need to be married to someone to have them watch your back.., he should be doing that already because he loves you and love involves protecting you.

weeblesim

I'm glad to see the OP had an honest and frank conversation with their partner. But I have to agree with what other posters have said on here. It sounds like there are some big issues that aren't getting resolved.

I would also question him not giving OP an option to delay the wedding, the all or nothing mentality just hurriedly pushes the OP into making one of the biggest decision of their life!

The parent thing sounds like its going to always be a big issue. It may be a case of that if you marry into this family this is something that will never change or will change very little. Then the question is should you have to take such a big compromise? And compromises are something that you should be able to tolerate, not something that makes you anxious or uneasy or feel second best to something.

Drastic as it sounds, it may be best to call the wedding off, then see if he would then take your issues in a different light. At the moment, the wedding is putting so much pressure on the relationship its a ticking time bomb.

wannabe_sybil

You do not need his permission to leave the relationship.

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you for being so honest about your own experience. I am sorry that you weren't able to get the counselling beforehand but I can totally relate to the pre-wedding momentum pressure.



Hi weeblesim. Thank you for sharing your professional insight. What I really am hoping for with the counselling is the ability to be more confident, to learn how to develop some self esteem. Because I do recognise that I am not able to make myself happy and have depended on my OH for my happiness. Clarity on my situation would be a benefit but isn't expected - I have had counselling in the past and it never solved situational problems, only the way I reacted to them.

I have been thinking hard about what I may be censoring and am drawing a blank - how can I identify what this could be?




I talked with my OH over the weekend. He dismissed postponing completely, saying time won't alter our situation and so he either wants to go ahead or cancel. He'd prefer the former but recognises things currently aren't as they should be for a husband and wife to be. However, he couldn't think of any ways forward, or any ways to compromise or even a way to articulate what his 'ideal' scenario would be.

I laid my cards on the table and he again promised the issues with our sex life would change (but he doesn't know how - he claims he does want more than we have and blamed me for not making a move often enough - I stopped because he kept rejecting me) and also promised that if his parents caused further issues *after* we are married that he will defend me. I asked what about their behaviour now and how I could trust that he would have my back after I married him and he said because then I would be his wife, so my status would have changed.

He maintains that he cannot/ will not say anything to them, not even asking them to sit down and talk with us to try and find some sort of way forward. He says doing so won't change anything and saying anything at all to them would only make things worse. I asked if that would stand even if it would save us, and he said yes: he won't say anything to them, even if it could potentially save our relationship.

At that point I felt completely hopeless, so said I couldn't see any way we could stay together. He didn't believe I was serious but after further talking, the penny dropped and he announced he'd thought of a compromise: he won't go there without me on special occasions. I asked when he was going to tell them that and he said not yet, he'd tell them 'when they needed to know', so I am going to have to trust he would actually do it. I said I didn't think that would work as a compromise as even if he did do it I can see it causing all sort of problems for him, and he just keeps repeating I asked for a compromise and he's given me one.

We're now at the point where he's refusing to believe that I feel we cannot move forward.

He sounds completely spineless. If you marry him with the way things are just now I think you'll bitterly regret it in years to come.

MissHope

millysg1 wrote: »

Glad to hear you had your chat but sorry that it sounds like nothing has actually changed. Promises wouldn't be enough for me. Promises of change after the wedding aren't enough. If the relationship isn't impirtant enough now to make the effort for it to work, a certificate won't change that but make it.
Does he just think you'll never leave him, as you have said before how dependent on him you feel so he doesn't see a needful things to change.

I feel that promises aren't enough, too; he's broken enough in the past

Yes, I have begun to think he does think I won't leave him and that he knows how much I depend on him.

Mojisola wrote: »

He has realised he might lose you for ever but he still won't make changes NOW, just at some vague time in the future.

Exactly this. Which hurts so much.

deannatrois wrote: »

I still believe that the dynamics within this relationship aren't good. If he has no insight (as he is showing), I don't see how this can be a fulfilling relationship for either of you.

I was in two relationships with people who promised the earth.., but did nothing. All my suggestions that words meant far far less than actions hit a wall. It was quite denigrating to realise I, and our relationship meant so little to them in spite of them saying I meant everything. It really damaged me. Anyone can do words. Only someone who really loves you puts them into action. And deep down, we know that. So self esteem falls.

And I think you can see through what he's saying. You don't need to be married to someone to have them watch your back.., he should be doing that already because he loves you and love involves protecting you.

I completely agree with all you said, deannatrois and have, in the past, raised a number of times that I want/ need actions not words (not in relation to the issues detailed in this thread - he's very liberal with his 'I love yous' and 'you're my world' etc but it rarely translates into what he does/ how he acts).