I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

candygirl

MissHope wrote: »

She used to, until recently. She's always said he very obviously loves me a great deal, looks after me and that I seem happier and more 'me' than with I was with my ex before him. Of course, she only knows about the issue with his parents and so thinks that's the only thing making me miserable but even with her just thinking that she thinks he should 'grow a pair' (her words) and that no one should make me this unhappy (I think I mentioned in my openinh post that my parents have remarked how awful I look).

As a Mum of a 27 year old, believe me when I tell you she will know how unhappy you are, without you explaining anything hun x:A

Birdie85

How does he think your sex life will get better after the wedding? Why can't it get better now?! It's just a way of messing with your head and giving you false promises of change if you go through with the wedding and stick to the status quo. I think you know it isn't going to change... and you'll feel even more stuck because a divorce is a lot more difficult than calling off a wedding!

Seriously, I mentioned this before but you need this in the forefront of your mind- if you want to have children, you have to have sex. No sex = no babies. This will cause so much heartache, I really don't want to see you posting on here in a year or 2 saying how badly you long for a baby yet your husband won't co-operate.

juicyl

I don't have time to read the 10 pages so I'm answering your initial post from my heart. I read it and kept thinking, don't marry him. Can't you delay it or something to give yourself time to think? Then I read below that he wouldn't do couples counselling- it sounds like he is happy with things continuing the way they are. You're not though, and neither should you be. You're not pathetic or any of those things; you sound like a really lovely person in a tough situation and it sounds like you're making do because you don't think you can do better. Sorry, but that is how it reads. I am sure you do love him, but do you really want to marry someone based on what you have now? I think first you need to work on becoming happier with yourself. Could you get some therapy for yourself? I have similar issues with anxiety and self-doubt and ACT counselling has worked WONDERS for me, if there is one in your area.

Losing money spent on the wedding is nothing compared to freeing yourself from worry and finding a relationship you feel right about. Just my opinion x

MissHope

Birdie85 wrote: »

How does he think your sex life will get better after the wedding? Why can't it get better now?! It's just a way of messing with your head and giving you false promises of change if you go through with the wedding and stick to the status quo. I think you know it isn't going to change... and you'll feel even more stuck because a divorce is a lot more difficult than calling off a wedding!

Seriously, I mentioned this before but you need this in the forefront of your mind- if you want to have children, you have to have sex. No sex = no babies. This will cause so much heartache, I really don't want to see you posting on here in a year or 2 saying how badly you long for a baby yet your husband won't co-operate.

I completely agree with the points you raise. He's been promising me things will improve for years now, and they haven't, so I do know getting married won't fix things and I'm pretty sure things won't change, as if they were going to surely they would have already?

Until it was raised on this thread I'd not considered the impact of our (lack of a) sex life on trying for a baby, though. At best, it's once a week but I guess if you're trying to get pregnant you need to make the most of each opportunity, as it were. I do think he'd try but you're right, it would probably cause further issue

juicyl wrote: »

I don't have time to read the 10 pages so I'm answering your initial post from my heart. I read it and kept thinking, don't marry him. Can't you delay it or something to give yourself time to think? Then I read below that he wouldn't do couples counselling- it sounds like he is happy with things continuing the way they are. You're not though, and neither should you be. You're not pathetic or any of those things; you sound like a really lovely person in a tough situation and it sounds like you're making do because you don't think you can do better. Sorry, but that is how it reads. I am sure you do love him, but do you really want to marry someone based on what you have now? I think first you need to work on becoming happier with yourself. Could you get some therapy for yourself? I have similar issues with anxiety and self-doubt and ACT counselling has worked WONDERS for me, if there is one in your area.

Losing money spent on the wedding is nothing compared to freeing yourself from worry and finding a relationship you feel right about. Just my opinion x

I don't blame you one jot for not reading the entire thread, juicyl: I can't believe it's reached 10 pages already! I've been blown away by people's kindness and just how many have taken the time to respond and/ or PM.

Thank you for saying such nice things also, and for your advice

Yes, we can delay (and even though losing money isn't that important in the grand scheme of things, I have to admit doing so will sting) and I am at the point where I think a delay is the very minimum we'll have to do - I can't see how we can possibly get married in a few months with things the way things are even though he would be perfectly happy to go ahead.

I do love him, very much, but I also feel that we are more companions than anything else and I do do most of the 'work' in the relationship: financially, emotionally and in terms of decision-making/ organisation. I would like us to be more equal but most importantly I would like to feel confident that he has my back in ANY situation, as I have his.

When it turned midnight on NYE my first thought was 'this should have been the year we got married' and then 'I should be happy right now', so I think that told me all I needed to know

I also agree with yourself and the other posters who have raised that I need to work on my own happiness/ self esteem as I think it is making me needy and trapping me in situations (in several aspects of my life) that I don't want to be in. I haven't heard of ACT but will definitely look into it (thank you for that), I've got the book suggested on this thread and I have a doctor's appointment booked (I'm having a bit of a wait as only one doctor at my surgery is any good) for later this month when I intend to request going back to counselling. Due to my medical history I *should* be fast-tracked back into counselling; I can't afford to pay for it (especially if I am about to be paying all the bills alone again!), so am relying somewhat on that fact.

FBaby

I completely agree with the points you raise. He's been promising me things will improve for years now, and they haven't, so I do know getting married won't fix things and I'm pretty sure things won't change, as if they were going to surely they would have already?

Can I ask? Why did you agree to go ahead with planning a wedding if this is how you've been feeling for some time?

I have to say that the way this thread has evolved in just a week or so is quite alarming. To start with, you had doubts, but seemed to have posted for advice on how to work things out. It has now evolved to 'I don't find him attractive', which you didn't mention to start with, and you don't think you have a future together. In one week, you seem to be prepared to throw away the feelings you've had for years. I will be honest and can't help but feeling alarmed that this thread might have a lot to do with it and that is very concerning. Do remember that we are all strangers and it is easy for us to say that he is no good for you and that you should move on. None of us were here before, and we won't be there after either, so whatever you decide, don't rush into it.

Maybe you could go to counselling alone, to have complete unbiased help on clearing your mind and give you complete confidence that whatever your decision is, it is the right one, not just for this minute, but for the whole future.

purpleshoes_2

There was one person I think on tayforths thread who said she should stay with her husband. I find it a bit strange that tayforth got so much support, yet it's alarming when people give the op advice.

She's miserable. You can see that in the opening post. They have shouting matches, he's not supporting her when it comes to his parehts, there are problems with their sex life yet she's to consider staying with him because she's in her mid 30s and she might find it hard to meet someone else.


Perhaps it's the talking about things that have made the op realise just how unhappy she is, rather than trying to put a face on it.

Tayforth was the same age as the op is when she left her husband.


He won't go for counselling. He can't come up with any solutions. He thinks things will improve when they get married and he won't stand up to his parents now but will do it after the wedding.


He's giving her nothing to work with. No wonder she's considering leaving.

It shouldn't matter if she's mid 20s, mid 30s or mid 40s. Your happiness should count at any age.

MissHope

FBaby wrote: »

Can I ask? Why did you agree to go ahead with planning a wedding if this is how you've been feeling for some time?

Because, simply, I love him. And until the incident with his parents I've been telling myself that all couples have problems and that I should keep working at ours because I am lucky to have him.

I have to say that the way this thread has evolved in just a week or so is quite alarming. To start with, you had doubts, but seemed to have posted for advice on how to work things out. It has now evolved to 'I don't find him attractive', which you didn't mention to start with, and you don't think you have a future together. In one week, you seem to be prepared to throw away the feelings you've had for years. I will be honest and can't help but feeling alarmed that this thread might have a lot to do with it and that is very concerning. Do remember that we are all strangers and it is easy for us to say that he is no good for you and that you should move on. None of us were here before, and we won't be there after either, so whatever you decide, don't rush into it.

You make a valid point but all this thread has done is help me clarify my own thoughts. I am terribly indecisive and lack confidence in my own choices, especially when they're of this magnitude.

I posted for advice on whether I should be working things out or whether the relationship is worth continuing. I have had periods throughout our relationship where he hasn't looked attractive to me (because I have a funny head that sees people as more/ less attractive according to how I feel about them) but since the incident with his parents the lack of attraction has persisted - the longest it's ever lasted (therefore making me worried that it won't ever come back). Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't want him to touch me, he just looks (and I appreciate this sounds harsh) ugly to me. I have also had periods where I have openly told him I am 'miserable' in our relationship. Until now, I have always got through these periods by focusing on the good things - this time it's become a massive struggle.

And, I admit, what I didn't actually realise until I started posting on here and working through my thoughts and feelings, was just how much settling down (getting married, having children) has been a factor in my actions and choices to date. I already felt 'old' when we got together and after our first year had been secretly longing for him to propose to me, saddo that I am, so that I could have what almost everyone else around me seems to have, and that I long for. When it was good, I told myself I'd found The One; when it was bad, I told myself I should appreciate that someone so decent wanted me.

Maybe you could go to counselling alone, to have complete unbiased help on clearing your mind and give you complete confidence that whatever your decision is, it is the right one, not just for this minute, but for the whole future.

I fully intend going to counselling alone and have already booked a GP appointment to ask to be referred back. However, as that's a couple of weeks from now (that's how long it takes) and there'll be a further wait before the actual counselling, then I have to make the decision on cancel/ postpone before that time (as we'll have to start paying balances soon and the invites should have already gone out).

I can see where you're coming from, Fbaby but still: ouch! I've tried to respond to your comments as best I can in blue.

purpleshoes wrote: »

There was one person I think on tayforths thread who said she should stay with her husband. I find it a bit strange that tayforth got so much support, yet it's alarming when people give the op advice.

She's miserable. You can see that in the opening post. They have shouting matches, he's not supporting her when it comes to his parehts, there are problems with their sex life yet she's to consider staying with him because she's in her mid 30s and she might find it hard to meet someone else.


Perhaps it's the talking about things that have made the op realise just how unhappy she is, rather than trying to put a face on it.

Tayforth was the same age as the op is when she left her husband.


He won't go for counselling. He can't come up with any solutions. He thinks things will improve when they get married and he won't stand up to his parents now but will do it after the wedding.


He's giving her nothing to work with. No wonder she's considering leaving.

It shouldn't matter if she's mid 20s, mid 30s or mid 40s. Your happiness should count at any age.

I want to hug you, purpleshoes, I really do, as you have articulated exactly my situation; talking on here has helped me clarify my feelings and realise the extent of my unhappiness.


I don't intend making rash decisions or ending it based on the advice of strangers on the internet: I am still giving him some time to suggest ways to compromise/ ways forward and I am still going over ALL the points raised on this thread. However, the more I think about it and the more I come to terms with my own feelings, the less I feel that staying together would be the right decision, for either of us. I'd like that to not be true, but it's how I feel. I haven't completely given up (yet) but that point is not very far away.

fivetide

I think the main thing to remember is you need to go into it from the perspective of trying to fix your relationship not wanting it to fail. However, the important point here, and one that seems to be the main issue for you OP is that a relationship takes two people to work at it and you seem to have been doing all the work.


It isn't time for an ultimatum but if he isn't prepared to work at things then you need to do what will make you happy.

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from, Fbaby but still: ouch! I've tried to respond to your comments as best I can in blue.



I want to hug you, purpleshoes, I really do, as you have articulated exactly my situation; talking on here has helped me clarify my feelings and realise the extent of my unhappiness.


I don't intend making rash decisions or ending it based on the advice of strangers on the internet: I am still giving him some time to suggest ways to compromise/ ways forward and I am still going over ALL the points raised on this thread. However, the more I think about it and the more I come to terms with my own feelings, the less I feel that staying together would be the right decision, for either of us. I'd like that to not be true, but it's how I feel. I haven't completely given up (yet) but that point is not very far away.

Sometimes people do put a face on things. Ive been in relationships where Ive only told my nearest and dearest how bad things have really been after I left.

If you look awful and that is visible, I don't blame your mum for being concerned.

It is hard, because even when things do get really bad, there can still be a lot of love there.

If you go for counselling and if your partner goes with you and you manage to move forward, it's your decision in the end.

But he's not giving you very much to work with. It's a major decision getting married. You should not be stressed, looking unwell and feeling this miserable so close to getting married.

I will say this. If my ex boyfriend had made more of an effort earlier in the relationship things might have been different. I didn't want or need great declarations of love, I actually just wanted someone who was capable of making a decision or two about things that mattered to me and who could support me during tough times. He didn't. Repeatedly. He either didn't have the emotional capacity to or he just couldn't be bothered.

There are people in this world who might be the loveliest people in the planet apart, but together, their combination of personalities just don't work.

Of course relationships take hard work and compromise. Your partner has to make some effort to change certain aspects of how your relationship functions or you will go into this marriage with your eyes wide open knowing how your life is likely to pan out.

If you had posted several pages ago that you and your OH were going to go for joint counselling, I think that many people's responses would have been different.

If you go into a marriage with this level of unhappiness it will very likely fail. However if you decide to postpone the wedding and you decide to stay together as bf and gf, all I can say is I think you very quickly won't need anyone on here to advise you, you'll know.

I knew years earlier what I should have done, it just took me a long time to pluck up the courage to go. You will know one way or another if you don't know already and perhaps if you do postpone the wedding and that pressure is off, the next few months will show you whether there's any future for you at all as a couple.

Going back to Tayforths thread, Im sure she knew the decision she should make from the opening post on the thread, just that sometimes when you have a difficult decision to make, you can't always get your head around that.

If things turn around and you do both work things out and you end up being happily married, again, that's entirely your decision. But if you have doubts, don't ignore them, you could be heading for much more heartache a couple of years down the line if you do.

FBaby

I can see where you're coming from, Fbaby but still: ouch! I've tried to respond to your comments as best I can in blue.

Sorry if I was blunt in my post. I really don't have any inkling what is best for you, I just know that sometimes we can make very final decision on how we feel at a particular time and then live to regret them. However, your latest posts make it seems that it is not a new feeling, on the opposite, in which case, not only does it seem best for you to move on, but it is the fairest thing to do for him as clearly he also deserves someone who does find him attractive and can be satisfied with the sexual intimacy he can share.