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I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

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Comments

  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    There may not be anyone else out there and all marriages take work.

    Good luck.


    What! So she should take what she's been offered and be thankful! What a ridiculous thing to say. of course there are others out there. To marry for that reason is unfair to them both.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • trolleyrun
    trolleyrun Posts: 1,382 Forumite
    I agree completely, Spirit. OP, please don't settle for second best. You deserved THE best.

    Deannatrois, you say being alone isn't very nice. Well, I cannot agree with that. I've been on my own for quite some time now and I love it. I actually can't visualise living with someone.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 7,323 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 3 January 2015 at 10:00AM
    NO lol, I am on my own and very happy. I am saying this is what the OP has said.

    I agree with you completely trolleyrun.., but OP finds the idea quite scary. Admittedly I haven't outright said, the OP shouldn't be with her partner.., because none of us know either party, and its a decision for her alone. But hopefully I've said enough to help the OP think about why she is in the relationship.There's a pay off for both parties, otherwise it would have ended.
  • warwicktiger
    warwicktiger Posts: 1,106 Forumite
    Dear OP

    Please, at least postpone. Having read this whole thread this morning I now wonder if you know already that you both are not suited for marriage. I wonder too if, going back to Post No.1 you found Tayforth so inspiring you posted this here knowing you should not go ahead and are looking for some form of support and re-inforcement of what you already know.

    I cannot help but feel you know things will not be right. Perhaps its not just a libido mis-match, maybe you are just destined to be good friends.

    I assure you are not old or undesirable because you are 36, after an emotional period after divorce I am looking again, and I can give you 20 years!
  • EpsomOldie
    EpsomOldie Posts: 192 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    edited 3 January 2015 at 1:09PM
    Dear Miss Hope

    I've read the whole thread and although I have my own opinions, the decision as to what to do is ultimately yours. Three thoughts though...

    1. You seem intelligent, thoughtful, fair and kind, albeit far moreso to others than yourself.

    2. I agree with you that your and Tayforth's situations are different in that her former relationship was overtly abusive. But I think that your situation is just as pernicious.

    3. This is as good as it gets. It's similar to being in a cage with a lion cub. As time goes on, the cub will grow and eventually devour you.

    I wish you well.

    EO x
    __________________________________
    Did I mention that Martin Lewis is a god?
  • spirit wrote: »
    What! So she should take what she's been offered and be thankful! What a ridiculous thing to say. of course there are others out there. To marry for that reason is unfair to them both.

    That's not what I meant. I just think that no relationships is 100% perfect and not everyone loves being on their own. You do and that's great. The OP has said that she does not.

    Obviously, we only have the OP's side to this story. While I was never banned from my in-laws, I did not feel welcome. But I wasn't going to let my in-laws stop me from marrying my husband. Yes this one area was a bone of contention, and I did not feel supported. But equally, DH was in an awkward place. He loved his parents, he loved me. He did not want his parents out of his life, so he was not prepared to have it out with them. And if he had tried, it would have probably confirmed in their mind that they were right about me.

    The OP's partner can't force his parents to welcome the OP. Equally, I think the OP shouldn't force him to choose. It might be hurtful, but I don't think it should be a deal breaker.

    And once you have children, they have to be a bit more accepting of you.

    I think in many ways I was like the OP. I really wanted children and I didn't want to be on my own. My husband was / is my best friend. Could there have been a better man out there for me? Maybe. Maybe not. But we have a happy marriage and I couldn't see myself with anyone else. It was hard in the early years, but I reckon most marriages are.

    We also had mismatched libidos. But again, that's something which seems to have sorted itself out. (Children are great for lowering it as you'd too knackered!!!)
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Although the trouble with the in-laws has brought this to a head, the issues that need solving are much deeper and, if her OH won't discuss them, won't go to counselling, won't make any effort to change and is capable of Olympic-standard procrastination to avoid sorting something out, things won't get any better.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,374 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    That's not what I meant. I just think that no relationships is 100% perfect and not everyone loves being on their own. You do and that's great. The OP has said that she does not.

    I have to say that I agree with this. There seem to be a thought that it is ok to dump a love one because life will be so much better afterwards, but my experience of single friends, and my own when I was is actually quite different. When I separated from my ex, I felt quite confident that in time, I would meet someone else that would make me much happier. The reality is that pass a certain age, there are much fewer good people left to build a relationship with. It did finally happen and I am so thankful for it, but I know that I was lucky. I think that happiness can be much closer to home with compromising and working through issues then by starting all over again when love is still a big part of the relationship.

    In OP's case, my gut feeling is that she has more to gain by trying to sort out their issues than by closing the door. These issues are not insurmountable, far from it, but will require efforts on both sides to resolve.
  • purpleshoes_2
    purpleshoes_2 Posts: 2,653 Forumite
    Tayforth wasn't being physically abused, it was emotional abuse she was suffering from. If the op goes ahead with this wedding all I can say is in a years time I bet the op will start a thread exactly like tayforths saying that she got married recently and it's been a disaster.

    This man does not want to sleep with you. He's allowing his parents to disrespect you and ban you from their home, you both have arguments that end up with you shouting and swearing at one another, he's leaving the decision about whether the wedding goes ahead or not to you and he's not interested in counselling.

    No one should feel that they have to go through with a wedding for fear of letting other people down.

    If you did want to marry this man and were happy with the relationship as it was you'd never have posted the thread.

    There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that's deteriorating when one party can't be bothered making the effort to fix thing, or talk about things calmly. Of course people have different personality types but speaking as someone who spent a considerable amount of time with someone who never wanted to talk about anything, didn't put any effort in and just buried his head in the sand about more or less anything to do with emotions it drove me round the bend and there is no way id have been happy with him long term.

    The reasons you have stated for going ahead with the wedding have very little to do with your happiness. Your happiness matters. As I said before you should not be this close to a wedding and this unhappy and if you do get married as planned you'll probably wish very quickly that you hadn't.
  • EpsomOldie
    EpsomOldie Posts: 192 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Tayforth wasn't being physically abused, it was emotional abuse she was suffering from.

    Oops - thank you Purple Shoes. I've edited my post.
    __________________________________
    Did I mention that Martin Lewis is a god?
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