I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

deannatrois wrote: »

I am sorry you are going through so much pain.

I have read the whole thread and I hope you will read over it yourself .., but with the eyes of a stranger. Make three headings 1) Myself, 2) My relationship with <partner> 3) my relationship with others

And list what you have said about these three things.

I hope you will see a pattern. I think you can see some of it already but thinking about it is causing the anxiety issues that put you in the relationships already so it all gets a bit unclear. Hopefully listing what you've said (bullet points style, not an essay) will make you view it rationally.

If you are in a relationship that stops you being alone because you worry that you can't cope alone (and its not very nice being alone). But you also seem to be saying that you are unworthy, that you don't deserve what every person has a right to expect. Unconditional love and approval. You are questioning all your relationships, not just the one with your partner.

But how can you expect these things when you don't give them to yourself? It makes you question everything. Possibly people around you do love you more than you will allow yourself to recognise?

But either way.., you need to be clear headed, realise what the central challenge is (realising you have a right to a healthy relationship) but this can only happen if you have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF.

Your present relationship seemed to be supporting but is it.., or does it actually make you feel less able to cope, less worthy (how much are you in the relationship because you worry you can't cope alone.., and what effect does this have on your self esteem)? I read that people with problems can often recognise each other even without speaking.., is it possible that your partner is also someone who finds self worth and conflict challenging, avoids it at all costs. Helping you could make him feel like your saviour.., and therefore more worthwhile himself? But because he has his own problems with self worth.., and because of the dynamics within your relationship.., it just feeds the problems rather than healing.

Both of you may need each other.., but its more of a quick fix.., relieving both of you of the need to fix yourself.., but it also means the relationship won't make either of you happy because its unhealthy.

You CAN fix this, as long as you do it with your eyes open, knowing openly what the challenges are. You are your own healer.., you don't need someone else to give you a fix of 'worth' .., with perhaps some help with a good counsellor.., or even on your own. And standing up for yourself, your right to a life that is rewarding and fulfilling with a partner who is also healthy can be quite liberating. Because you DO deserve these things.

Don't, whatever you do, think of bringing children into a situation like this. It will only make things worse. You need to get yourself healthy first. And you can do it.

Thank you deannatrois for your incredibly useful post. I will definitely make the list you suggest and your comments really resonated with me. It's true that I have never really had a healthy relationship with myself and I had never thought of our relationship in that way before but there's a lot of truth in your description; we do both avoid conflict, neither of us has much confidence and I suspect we do both need each other.

I know I need to work on getting healthy, and I will try

warwicktiger wrote: »

Dear OP

Please, at least postpone. Having read this whole thread this morning I now wonder if you know already that you both are not suited for marriage. I wonder too if, going back to Post No.1 you found Tayforth so inspiring you posted this here knowing you should not go ahead and are looking for some form of support and re-inforcement of what you already know.

I cannot help but feel you know things will not be right. Perhaps its not just a libido mis-match, maybe you are just destined to be good friends.

I assure you are not old or undesirable because you are 36, after an emotional period after divorce I am looking again, and I can give you 20 years!

Thank you, warwicktiger. I suspect you are right, too. I find making any decision hard so I suspect I did post in the hope of receiving some sort of confirmation that my doubts weren't unfounded and that this really isn't right.

The thing is, even though I think I am at the point where I think it's probably just best if we part ways and start afresh, because so many things aren't working and haven't for some time (it took the parent incindent to bring things to a head - I began to question everything), it's so hard to make that, final, decision because there are/ have been lots of positives. Before we got together (when we were friends) I idolised him and put him on a pedestal - when he made a move I felt so lucky he wanted me. And all our friends were over the moon, saying 'about time', etc. It seemed meant to be. And he is kind, and he looks after me and we are generally excellent companions for each other. So I have always swept the things that weren't great aside, because I agree with the posters who have said you shouldn't just walk away from a relationship; that they take work.

And so everytime I think I have reached a decision, I balk.

MissHope

EpsomOldie wrote: »

Dear Miss Hope

I've read the whole thread and although I have my own opinions, the decision as to what to do is ultimately yours. Three thoughts though...

1. You seem intelligent, thoughtful, fair and kind, albeit far moreso to others than yourself.

2. I agree with you that your and Tayforth's situations are different in that her former relationship was overtly abusive. But I think that your situation is just as pernicious.

3. This is as good as it gets. It's similar to being in a cage with a lion cub. As time goes on, the cub will grow and eventually devour you.

I wish you well.

EO x

Thank you, EO, for your incredibly kind words. I am definitely not very kind to myself, though I do like to think I am to others

Do you really think that? I worry I am potentially walking away from stability and safety and someone that loves me.

I feel like I am currently being devoured!

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

Although the trouble with the in-laws has brought this to a head, the issues that need solving are much deeper and, if her OH won't discuss them, won't go to counselling, won't make any effort to change and is capable of Olympic-standard procrastination to avoid sorting something out, things won't get any better.

Yes, this is also what I fear. And he really is capable of Olympic-standard procrastination (I did smile at that!)

FBaby wrote: »

In OP's case, my gut feeling is that she has more to gain by trying to sort out their issues than by closing the door. These issues are not insurmountable, far from it, but will require efforts on both sides to resolve.

Of course I would like to do this but I really don't feel like he is making an effort (as usual, I have to make the decisions and sorttp stuff out) plus I have started to see him differently (I no longer find him attractive) and so am worried that I won't be able to get back what we once had.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Tayforth wasn't being physically abused, it was emotional abuse she was suffering from. If the op goes ahead with this wedding all I can say is in a years time I bet the op will start a thread exactly like tayforths saying that she got married recently and it's been a disaster.

This man does not want to sleep with you. He's allowing his parents to disrespect you and ban you from their home, you both have arguments that end up with you shouting and swearing at one another, he's leaving the decision about whether the wedding goes ahead or not to you and he's not interested in counselling.

No one should feel that they have to go through with a wedding for fear of letting other people down.

If you did want to marry this man and were happy with the relationship as it was you'd never have posted the thread.

There is nothing worse than being in a relationship that's deteriorating when one party can't be bothered making the effort to fix thing, or talk about things calmly. Of course people have different personality types but speaking as someone who spent a considerable amount of time with someone who never wanted to talk about anything, didn't put any effort in and just buried his head in the sand about more or less anything to do with emotions it drove me round the bend and there is no way id have been happy with him long term.

The reasons you have stated for going ahead with the wedding have very little to do with your happiness. Your happiness matters. As I said before you should not be this close to a wedding and this unhappy and if you do get married as planned you'll probably wish very quickly that you hadn't.

My mother echoed your last paragraph a few days ago, purpleshoes. I think you are both probably right (she usually is )

MissHope

purpleshoes wrote: »

Shouting matches where they end up swearing at one another really isn't positive. As for the issue with his parents, he left her alone on Xmas day to go there and if she married him that's the way it would always be until they come round? No he shouldn't have to choose but leaving her alone while he went to theirs on Xmas day is a pretty strong statement to make as far as I'm concerned.

I've been in relationships where the other person would have been perfectly happy to keep things as they were, regardless of whether I was happy or not.

The fact that this man doesn't want to consider counselling is a really bad sign, the brush it under the carpet and pretend all will be right in the end might work for him but if she goes ahead with this marriage the way things are, they'll both be unhappy. As I said before a wedding ring won't solve the issues they have.

He's not posted on here, we can only advise people with what they choose to give other forum members.

The situation with Christmas visiting would indeed remain the same for the forseeable future.

As for posting on here, that's not something he'd ever do - though I too would love to hear his perspective as it might give me something to work with!

deannatrois wrote: »

Arrrgh, I didn't say being alone isn't very nice, I said that the OP was concerned about living on her own.

I live very happily on my own!

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think the fact that the OP has been in relationships most of her adult life probably isn't helping.

If you were someone who had lived alone most of your life or had periods where you were single and happy, then being single in your 30s might not seem so daunting.

It wasn't daunting for me, I left a long term relationship in my mid 30s, sometimes leaving even when you know something isn't working isn't easy, you can still care for someone even though you know things aren't right, loads of emotions mixed in, but for me, eventually the positives of leaving far outweighed the negatives and I knew my bf at the time wouldn't make any changes, he was a stick his head in the sand sort of person and I wasn't happy and knew I wouldn't be if we stayed together longer, but having been single for part of my 20s, being on my own again really wasn't scary.

I think if someone has always been part of a couple, it could influence the decision they make.

Yes, you are both absolutely right. It is very daunting to me and I do hate it. I find it hard to skeep without being wrapped up in his arms and warmed by his body heat and I hate doing things alone - I love being part of a pair and having companionship.

MissHope

FBaby wrote: »

Several days and you are losing hope? It takes my husband weeks to come up with solutions to issues, but when he does, it is worth the wait. It is odd how different people react differently because his response would actually reassure me. It shows that he is being honest (he doesn't see how it can be resolved now), but wants to think about it and come up with some (rather than just saying what you want to hear for peace and quiet).

As it's been said, it's not like there is one easy solution for him that he will just find with a light bulb moment. He loves you, you love him, and he is treating you well over all, surely that is worth giving it a bit more time to be certain you have no future together? I totally agree that postponing the wedding is a good idea (and he has agreed to it), but breaking up seems quite extreme at this stage. At least that's my view, but I know how much harder it is to fall in love again with a good man after a certain age, so I think when there is one there, it is worth trying to make it work with them.

The trouble is, I know him so well and am fairly sure he will NEVER actually come up with something. Weeks would turn into years and I am done being kept in limbo - it plays havoc with my anxiety. He is always honest, though (it's one of the things I love about him). And he does't want to think - he never does - that's what he's doing to shut me up

I know it's hard and I am terrified of being alone but there's a small voice somewhere inside me whispering that I deserve better than this, and that maybe staying isn't the best thing for either of us.

candygirl

MissHope wrote: »

The trouble is, I know him so well and am fairly sure he will NEVER actually come up with something. Weeks would turn into years and I am done being kept in limbo - it plays havoc with my anxiety. He is always honest, though (it's one of the things I love about him). And he does't want to think - he never does - that's what he's doing to shut me up

I know it's hard and I am terrified of being alone but there's a small voice somewhere inside me whispering that I deserve better than this, and that maybe staying isn't the best thing for either of us.

This sounds like you're finally seeing things how they really are hun:D

purpleshoes_2

Sometimes love isn't enough. I actually would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than go back to someone I spent far too long with. Trying to make effort, trying to fix things, someone who put everyone else first and me last. Someone who makes no effort and who buries his head in the sand everytime is incredibly hard to be with long term. I've been there. In the end there was no love on my part because his lack of effort where it mattered killed it.

She's been in this relationship years. Not weeks. And I'm sure the penny is beginning to drop what kind of life they'll have together if he refuses to try and refuses counselling.

Some people are very laid back but can still step up to the plate when it matters. Some people can't.

itsanne

MissHope wrote: »

I have started to see him differently (I no longer find him attractive) and so am worried that I won't be able to get back what we once had.

My mother echoed your last paragraph a few days ago, purpleshoes. I think you are both probably right (she usually is )

Part in bold: This is on top of everything else. You can't just turn attraction on. Coupled with his lack of interest in sex, and I cannot see any reason why getting married would increase that, how is that going to work?

You both sound like nice people, but unfortunately that's not enough to make a happy and successful marriage. Your mother and purpleshoes are telling you the same as virtually everyone on here. None of your reasons for getting married are ones which will make either of you happy, and you both deserve more than the misery you appear to be feeling just now.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I have tried asking him what his ideal scenario would be and if he can suggest ways to compromise but he can't/ won't give me much: his ideal scenario is for us to go ahead and marry and for everyone to get on (mine too!).

He says he doesn't know how this can happen, can't think of any ways to compromise (on any of our issues) and can't see any ways forward.

He still assures me that our sex life will get better and that if his parents caused problems after we were married he would then take my side. I asked why he wouldn't do so now and he couldn't answer me, just kept saying he would stand up to them in the future - but I am struggling to believe him.

He knows how he would like life to be but doesn't have a clue how to bring it about.

Why would your sex life get better now when it's been inadequate for the last five and half years?

Nothing magical happens when you get married - any changes that can be made after the ceremony can be made before it.

MissHope wrote: »

My mother echoed your last paragraph a few days ago, purpleshoes. I think you are both probably right (she usually is )

Your mother knows what you were like before the relationship and has seen you together. Does she think he's good for you?

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

He knows how he would like life to be but doesn't have a clue how to bring it about.

Why would your sex life get better now when it's been inadequate for the last five and half years?

Nothing magical happens when you get married - any changes that can be made after the ceremony can be made before it.



Your mother knows what you were like before the relationship and has seen you together. Does she think he's good for you?

She used to, until recently. She's always said he very obviously loves me a great deal, looks after me and that I seem happier and more 'me' than with I was with my ex before him. Of course, she only knows about the issue with his parents and so thinks that's the only thing making me miserable but even with her just thinking that she thinks he should 'grow a pair' (her words) and that no one should make me this unhappy (I think I mentioned in my openinh post that my parents have remarked how awful I look).