I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

Caroline_a

It does sound as if time would make little difference. However, time does come into play when a relationship is coming to an end. It's about the time that is right for YOU. When I finally split from my ex I had known for a long long time that it was never going to work. Everybody, including my friends and family, kept telling me to leave him - I knew that they were right, but for me I had to get all my ducks in line.

Only you know when you will be ready to have that conversation with him - but once you've got your head round it you will know that it's the right thing to do. And by that, I mean the right thing for you.

Life is far too short to spend it with the wrong person, however nice they might be in lots of ways. I get on with all my exe's (2 husbands, one long-term relationship).... but I'd never go back to any of them!

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

So if you go ahead with the wedding, you'll be living with these issues for the rest of the marriage?

I guess so...which is why I am no longer really feeling like it can go ahead

Caroline_a wrote: »

It does sound as if time would make little difference. However, time does come into play when a relationship is coming to an end. It's about the time that is right for YOU. When I finally split from my ex I had known for a long long time that it was never going to work. Everybody, including my friends and family, kept telling me to leave him - I knew that they were right, but for me I had to get all my ducks in line.

Only you know when you will be ready to have that conversation with him - but once you've got your head round it you will know that it's the right thing to do. And by that, I mean the right thing for you.

Life is far too short to spend it with the wrong person, however nice they might be in lots of ways. I get on with all my exe's (2 husbands, one long-term relationship).... but I'd never go back to any of them!

Thank you; I think this may be exactly where I am. I just hope it *is* the right thing for me!

I broached postponing the wedding last night and he said he'd go along with it if that's what I want to do. I asked what he wanted to do and he said marry me (!) but he can't think of how we could make that happen or move forward and he's still refusing counselling (saying he won't/ can't talk to anyone except me about his feelings, especially a stranger). So basically, he keeps putting the ball back in my court: carry on, postpone or cancel.

FBaby

Postponing is only of benefit if you work on a solution during that time. Counselling is not an option if he can't feel comfortable opening up to a stranger, so it will have to be a case of working it out together. Could you come up with a list of compromises and go from there? You need to make it clear though that if you are prepared to make the first move to discuss things, he needs to participate in finding solutions, you can't do it all alone with him pretending to go along what you suggest.

purpleshoes_2

MissHope wrote: »

I guess so...which is why I am no longer really feeling like it can go ahead




Thank you; I think this may be exactly where I am. I just hope it *is* the right thing for me!

I broached postponing the wedding last night and he said he'd go along with it if that's what I want to do. I asked what he wanted to do and he said marry me (!) but he can't think of how we could make that happen or move forward and he's still refusing counselling (saying he won't/ can't talk to anyone except me about his feelings, especially a stranger). So basically, he keeps putting the ball back in my court: carry on, postpone or cancel.

I dont think you'll ever be happy with him. Being in a relationship should not be about carrying someone.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I broached postponing the wedding last night and he said he'd go along with it if that's what I want to do. I asked what he wanted to do and he said marry me (!) but he can't think of how we could make that happen or move forward and he's still refusing counselling (saying he won't/ can't talk to anyone except me about his feelings, especially a stranger). So basically, he keeps putting the ball back in my court: carry on, postpone or cancel.

He doesn't seem to think you and the future marriage are worth fighting for.

If he felt you were an important part of his life and his future, he would be willing to at least try to work things out.

miranda1_2

OP I hope you can read this.

Don't get married.

The reason for saying this is because I am laying out here the reasons my relationship is sex less. I am the man who promised his soon to be wife that we would have more sex but I don't have the libido.

Can I talk truthfully to her about it? No. It would ruin the marriage

As I stood there on the wedding day looking at my wife, I felt I should be saying I was the luckiest Man alive, isn't my wife stunning etc etc but in truth it would have been untrue.

The lack of libido is probably down to the fact I don't fancy my wife. At the beginning of the relationship I was the opposite but something one day changed (I don't know what) and from then on it deteriorated to probably a few times a year now.

There are times I have done it unwillingly and the majority of the time as an end result of an argument over it. What I am trying to say to you is that being married means it is difficult to walk away from it all. You don't want to be the wife sobbing in the sofa feeling dejected and end up having sympathy sex.

If you are in any doubt you shouldn't do it. To a degree I wish I could turn the clock back several years and from the bottom of my heart I hope you decide to call it off.

You can't turn the sex drive on and the promise of more sex by your boyfriend I am sorry will never materialise.

System

miranda1 wrote: »

OP I hope you can read this.

Don't get married.

The reason for saying this is because I am laying out here the reasons my relationship is sex less. I am the man who promised his soon to be wife that we would have more sex but I don't have the libido.

Can I talk truthfully to her about it? No. It would ruin the marriage

As I stood there on the wedding day looking at my wife, I felt I should be saying I was the luckiest Man alive, isn't my wife stunning etc etc but in truth it would have been untrue.

The lack of libido is probably down to the fact I don't fancy my wife. At the beginning of the relationship I was the opposite but something one day changed (I don't know what) and from then on it deteriorated to probably a few times a year now.

There are times I have done it unwillingly and the majority of the time as an end result of an argument over it. What I am trying to say to you is that being married means it is difficult to walk away from it all. You don't want to be the wife sobbing in the sofa feeling dejected and end up having sympathy sex.

If you are in any doubt you shouldn't do it. To a degree I wish I could turn the clock back several years and from the bottom of my heart I hope you decide to call it off.

You can't turn the sex drive on and the promise of more sex by your boyfriend I am sorry will never materialise.

That's very honest of you to admit to that, i'm sorry things are the way they are

I think for me lack of libido (amognst the other problems the OP has described) would be an issue for me. I could not live a sexless life as much as i might love the person. I know some couples cope ok with it but i think in those cases it is a mutual thing. When there is such a big difference i think it will cause issues. Do you want this for the rest of your (married) life OP?

miranda1_2

Have a look at Madonna Wh@re syndrome

It's when a man falls in love and views sex as dirty with a loved one but has dirty thoughts about random persons of the other sex

DevilsAdvocate1

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you. I agree that I am probably not in a fit state to do very much at all at the moment! I'm not sleeping, and that's not helping.

I completely agree, in theory, that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel resentful but I crave company and really struggle being alone. I have only been single for a year my entire adult life and I hated every minute of it! And whilst 36 may not be ancient, my body clock is a-ticking and I fear I'm messing up any chance of being a mother.

I have talked to him and been completely honest. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and hates seeing me so unhappy but he doesn't see what else he can do. He doesn't want to split up but says ultimately the decision is mine. He also said he's said as much as he's prepared to say to his parents and doesn't feel saying anything else to them will 'achieve' anything. We have also talked about the other issues; he just says things will change for the better and generally brushes it all aside.

So in the perfect world, what do you want to happen with your husband and his family. What exactly do you want him to say / do? Do you want him to cut them off? He can't get his parents to invite you, that has to come from them. However, you can control how you react to this.

I think the situation you describe with your husband and his family is not that uncommon. You said your husband visited his parents on Christmas day but was only there a short time. To me this shows him trying to do the best to suit everyone.

My husband would never believe me when I said how his mum made me feel uncomfortable. I remember one Christmas day and I had a row with my then fiance. He stormed off and I later found out that he'd fallen asleep in his room. After an hour, I jokingly said that I may as well be at home. The next thing I knew, I was in my car and my MIL-to-be had scraped all the frost off my windows and was waving me off! I didn't really want to go! Luckily, my fiance woke up and got down to the car before I pulled away.

Some 15 years after our marriage and couple of things happened which made him see his mum in a new light. After the second thing, he said to me that he would cut all contact with them if that was what I wanted. I said it wasn't as I would hate for one of my sons to do that to me.

And somehow over the last couple of years I have started to feel more comfortable with her. However, she still misses me out though when giving "family" gifts. We've been married nearly 20 years and together 25, so a long time coming.

Getting married and having children was really important to me. And I think in your position I would try to make it work if at all possible. There may not be anyone else out there and all marriages take work.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

I am sorry you are going through so much pain.

I have read the whole thread and I hope you will read over it yourself .., but with the eyes of a stranger. Make three headings 1) Myself, 2) My relationship with <partner> 3) my relationship with others

And list what you have said about these three things.

I hope you will see a pattern. I think you can see some of it already but thinking about it is causing the anxiety issues that put you in the relationships already so it all gets a bit unclear. Hopefully listing what you've said (bullet points style, not an essay) will make you view it rationally.

If you are in a relationship that stops you being alone because you worry that you can't cope alone (and its not very nice being alone). But you also seem to be saying that you are unworthy, that you don't deserve what every person has a right to expect. Unconditional love and approval. You are questioning all your relationships, not just the one with your partner.

But how can you expect these things when you don't give them to yourself? It makes you question everything. Possibly people around you do love you more than you will allow yourself to recognise?

But either way.., you need to be clear headed, realise what the central challenge is (realising you have a right to a healthy relationship) but this can only happen if you have a healthy relationship with YOURSELF.

Your present relationship seemed to be supporting but is it.., or does it actually make you feel less able to cope, less worthy (how much are you in the relationship because you worry you can't cope alone.., and what effect does this have on your self esteem)? I read that people with problems can often recognise each other even without speaking.., is it possible that your partner is also someone who finds self worth and conflict challenging, avoids it at all costs. Helping you could make him feel like your saviour.., and therefore more worthwhile himself? But because he has his own problems with self worth.., and because of the dynamics within your relationship.., it just feeds the problems rather than healing.

Both of you may need each other.., but its more of a quick fix.., relieving both of you of the need to fix yourself.., but it also means the relationship won't make either of you happy because its unhealthy.

You CAN fix this, as long as you do it with your eyes open, knowing openly what the challenges are. You are your own healer.., you don't need someone else to give you a fix of 'worth' .., with perhaps some help with a good counsellor.., or even on your own. And standing up for yourself, your right to a life that is rewarding and fulfilling with a partner who is also healthy can be quite liberating. Because you DO deserve these things.

Don't, whatever you do, think of bringing children into a situation like this. It will only make things worse. You need to get yourself healthy first. And you can do it.