I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

weeblesim wrote: »

I'm glad to see the OP had an honest and frank conversation with their partner. But I have to agree with what other posters have said on here. It sounds like there are some big issues that aren't getting resolved.

I would also question him not giving OP an option to delay the wedding, the all or nothing mentality just hurriedly pushes the OP into making one of the biggest decision of their life!

The parent thing sounds like its going to always be a big issue. It may be a case of that if you marry into this family this is something that will never change or will change very little. Then the question is should you have to take such a big compromise? And compromises are something that you should be able to tolerate, not something that makes you anxious or uneasy or feel second best to something.

Drastic as it sounds, it may be best to call the wedding off, then see if he would then take your issues in a different light. At the moment, the wedding is putting so much pressure on the relationship its a ticking time bomb.

It really is, and I think he knows it. I think he hopes I will go ahead with the wedding because then, in his mind, everything will be okay and I will stop making him 'talk' (he hates it).

I would love to be the sort of person who can put his parents and their behaviour in a little box, but I am really not. I have the sort of brain that ruminates and constantly worries away at things and the more I try and push those things aside, the more they invade my thoughts. So I recognise that choosing to stay with him would be chosing an anxiety-filled future as far as his family is concerned.

You are probably right. I don't feel like it can go ahead at the moment, anyway and he already said on the weekend that it's up to me to cancel everything (I booked it all and did all the research, etc).

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

You do not need his permission to leave the relationship.

I know, but he's not making it easy. We actually live in my house (he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and never has) but when I said I thought it'd be best if he moved out on the weekend he first refused and then got angry and said I'd need to give him time to sort out somewhere to go. I said fine but since then he keeps telling me to 'think seriously' about the whole thing, as if he goes 'there's no going back'. I have told him several times I have thought about it and although I don't want things to be ending this way, I can't see how we can possibly do anything else now but each time he says I need to do more thinking.

purpleshoes wrote: »

He sounds completely spineless. If you marry him with the way things are just now I think you'll bitterly regret it in years to come.

Funnily enough, my parents and the close friends who know about the situation have all, without exception, said the same thing about him.

greenval

He strikes me as more passive aggressive but he's bad news however you label. Miss Hope, he hasn't changed, he isn't going to change if this thread is anything to go by.I think you know this isn't going to work, I know that's easy for me to say but can you in your heart of hearts see anything changing.
At the moment you have some leeway but once you get to the point of paying more money toward the wedding I think you will have to make a decision and stick with it.
The current situation is hardly making you happy

MissHope

greenval wrote: »

he hasn't changed, he isn't going to change if this thread is anything to go by.I think you know this isn't going to work, I know that's easy for me to say but can you in your heart of hearts see anything changing.

Deep down, I don't believe he'll change and I don't think it can work. It's just such a hard thing to admit because he's been my whole world for six years

skattykatty

Your 'whole world for 6 years' does that sound more palatable than 7? 10? 20? If so, then say your farewells now and, hopefully, with counselling support you can begin to put yourself at the centre of your world so the next man you fall for gets more of who you are and what you want and shows you who he is and what he wants and you enjoy a partnership where you make decisions together.

candygirl

When's the wedding supposed to be ?:eek:

greenval

I'm so sorry Miss Hope, I know it's hard. Does it help if instead of looking forward and wondering what will happen think about how you might feel as a much older woman looking back on a life with your fianc! that has continued just as it is now. Would you feel happy and content with the life you had. At present you have a chance to make your future how you want it to be, one day that won't be the case.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

We actually live in my house (he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and never has) but when I said I thought it'd be best if he moved out on the weekend he first refused and then got angry and said I'd need to give him time to sort out somewhere to go.

I said fine but since then he keeps telling me to 'think seriously' about the whole thing, as if he goes 'there's no going back'.

Couldn't he head home to his parents while he finds somewhere to live?

He's really not thinking about you and the relationship at all. He's got a free comfortable place to live - on his terms - and doesn't want his life disrupted.

itsanne

MissHope wrote: »

You are probably right. I don't feel like it can go ahead at the moment, anyway and he already said on the weekend that it's up to me to cancel everything (I booked it all and did all the research, etc).

I know, but he's not making it easy. We actually live in my house (he doesn't contribute to the mortgage and never has) but when I said I thought it'd be best if he moved out on the weekend he first refused and then got angry and said I'd need to give him time to sort out somewhere to go. I said fine but since then he keeps telling me to 'think seriously' about the whole thing, as if he goes 'there's no going back'. I have told him several times I have thought about it and although I don't want things to be ending this way, I can't see how we can possibly do anything else now but each time he says I need to do more thinking.

Mojisola wrote: »

Couldn't he head home to his parents while he finds somewhere to live?

He's really not thinking about you and the relationship at all. He's got a free comfortable place to live - on his terms - and doesn't want his life disrupted.

You've bent over backwards to move things on. He's pretending to want to do what you want, but he's not really doing that at all. Tell him he can go to stay with his parents until he finds somewhere else as it's too difficult living with him now. If he doesn't want to do that - too bad. After all his protestations that he'll do what you want re the wedding (other than postpone it!), this selfishness is the final straw.

weeblesim

Hmm he sounds very passive in his approach to this situation! The way your partner is acting there is no wonder your self esteem has been dwindled! Threatening OP to have to cancel all the wedding arrangements is very unfair, there are two people in a relationship.

MissHope if you and you partner cannot work it out please put yourself first for a while. As it sounds like you have done everything in your power to make this relationship work with nothing but resistance.

Go to counselling.
See friends and family.
Be kind to yourself! Do not berate yourself with your worries and thoughts/ what ifs and should I have done that etc, we all do it and it can be very self sabotaging.
Do things that give you a sense of achievement or enjoyment - small goals then work bigger - this is great for self esteem building.
Make plans to do things that you have always wanted to do, but have always made excuses for.

[Deleted User]

With my second relationship, I thought I was choosing different, imagine my horror when I began to realise I'd got the same, just in a different package. Very passive aggressive.

My first ex refused to leave the home.., I finally managed to get through to him how serious I was, found him somewhere to live but ended up living in it myself at first.

The second was quite bad, it wasn't just passive aggression. I was asking him to move out the first time (yep, I did it twice, more fool me) for months.., it was only after he turned really nasty he left. In spite of 'you'll be turning me out onto the streets' he found friends to stay with. Most people have friends who'll put you up for a while in an emergency. I learned a harsh lesson, and will never be made to feel quilty like that again. People like this are surprisingly able when pushed. They are survivers. So don't let this stop you doing what you feel you ought to.

But at the same time, make sure you have emotional back up. It will probably be rough emotionally so find a support network if you can. And get some counselling.., MIND have been quite good with me, a lot of GP surgeries do six sessions for free, then you can ask to be referred for longer term counselling if you need it. It helps. They do evening and Saturday sessions if you need this too.