I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

First of all, thank you so much to ALL of you who have taken the time to post, for your advice and for your well wishes: I am truely blown away by your kindness and each and every one of you is helping me more than you could know, just by the fact you are offering that support/ wish. :heart2:

atolaas wrote: »

He has parents...can't he go and stay with them? If not the sofa then a sleeping bag on the lounge floor

He can, but he's completely in denial, I think, and stalling the best he can.

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

(If my words upset you I'm so sorry, it's not my intention xxxx)

Your words haven't upset me, ERICS MUM. I am upset by the whole situation but, in my heart, I agree with what you have written. Thank you for your advice and support.

Mojisola wrote: »

Is there anyone who could come and stay at your house with you for a few days? That would make it harder for him to keep cuddling up to you and trying to make you change your mind.

Sadly, not really: my friends are all pretty tied up with their lives and jobs and although my parents would come if they asked they have a terminally ill pet and need to be at home themselves at the moment.

MissHope

snowleopard61 wrote: »

I do wish you well, and I’d like to think your main feeling will be one of relief. I hope the practical aspects of your course of action won’t be too painful and difficult to work out. All the very best to you. xx

Thank you so much, snowleopard61 (I love your username, btw). I hope I'll mainly be feeling relief, too; I am feeling pretty much every emotion known to man at the moment

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

Please be aware that he is likely to get extremely nasty if you don't suffer so that he can be happy.

Sending hugs.

:eek: Why do you think he may get nasty? He's generally a very quiet, gentle person, so that would be very out of character for him.

He's also, as other posters have raised concern, very unlikely to change the locks: firstly, he's way too lazy and secondly I don't think he'd know where to even begin in finding a locksmith!

Hugs gratefully received, though

Kaye1

I have followed this but as some other posters have said, I didn't really know what to add that was constructive.


My only thought is this- you don't seem to think you can ever be happy in the future. You can. You don't think your married life will be happy, yet being single also makes you unhappy.


You can be happy in the future. Lots of people have posted helpful advice regarding making mistakes in first relationship and finding happiness in next relationship. You can be one of those people. You are entitled to be happy; you seem like a good, kind person who is trying their best to make everyone happy- except yourself.


The future is scary but it also could be happy.


I wish you all the very best in what you decide.

candygirl

Have you set a provisional date for your decision re the wedding?surely you need to be cancelling soon, so you don't incur charges:eek:

MissHope

Yep, have to cancel by the end of this month, candygirl

I think it's pretty evident I will be cancelling, though. I haven't yet because I think it'd antagonise him further right now.

Last night was tough. He's stopped trying to cuddle and instead is now blaming me for everything, saying I want us to be over and have no interest in trying to make things work. He really seems completely incapable of seeing my point of view or what's really wrong. At times he got really quite nasty with me (swearing at me, etc). When I tried to explain how I am feeling he countered everything I said with how he feels. The rest of the time we sat there in silence. Eventually he said he will move out on the weekend, as he 'won't stay where he's not wanted' and he 'can tell I don't want him here'.

BigAunty

The reaction to the pre-nup was telling, wasn't it?

You probably already know this but as you are the sole owner of the property, he has no right of tenure, he is simply your guest. You can ask him to leave and he must. You can enforce this by calling the police if he refuses to leave. He's indicated that he is leaving this weekend but you do have to consider that he will change his mind, resist and try to influence you in letting him stay.

He's got very comfy living there free of charge. It is better that he didn't directly contribute to the mortgage and things like repairs, redecoration and refurbishment as this type of support can provide evidence that they have a claim upon the property. However, it is the absolute norm for a partner to contribute fairly to household expenses and only stingy ones, or ones without any means don't do this.

You have to make a Plan B to ensure he doesn't stay a minute more and this may include calling the police or having a friend or relative on standby to get them out the door. You should also buy replacement locks now to fit straightaway - it's quite a simple task to swap out barrels of yale keys or inner lock for chubbs if you buy the same size as before, simple enough to identify the make/size, only takes a screw driver.

On this forum, we do see plenty of threads from women who are more advanced in the relationship and who bitterly rue the day they allowed what I term a 'man-child' over the threshold.

Some are married and have children and find it terribly frustrating to have a husband who doesn't contribute fairly to the household expenses or domestic tasks, who prioritises their own interests (be it gambling, drinking, socialising with friends, wasting time on the internet, dropping out of employment).

The women feel financially exploited and emotionally abandoned. They end up with lazy, stingy men who resist any effort to leave.

We often see tales here from women who have eventually ousted them, only to have to pay off their financially selfish men a share of the equity and their own personal savings as a divorce settlement. Quite often, the man then does their best not to pay any child support.

Some of these posts reveal a degree of domestic abuse or controlling behaviour, all pointing to their partner feeling they deserve to be served by their partners, the right to being pampered and left to their own devices without question.

Some of the posts indicate a degree of depression, anxiety, apathy or social withdrawal on the part of the male partner, they seem to have psychological issues, but the greater problem is that they refuse to recognise, accept or address them. This means they are selfish and comfortable with it, the female partner has an infantalised male partner, it's like having an extra needy child around seeking a mother.

You are dodging a bullet. Once the initial romantic love shrinks which is common in a long-term relationship, a relationship can only survive its less sexual mode is if there are strong shared values, a bedrock of respect and so forth. From your description, it doesn't even sound like you've got the basics there for a solid relationship, let alone one that can weather a few storms.

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

Yep, have to cancel by the end of this month, candygirl

I think it's pretty evident I will be cancelling, though. I haven't yet because I think it'd antagonise him further right now.

Last night was tough. He's stopped trying to cuddle and instead is now blaming me for everything, saying I want us to be over and have no interest in trying to make things work. He really seems completely incapable of seeing my point of view or what's really wrong. At times he got really quite nasty with me (swearing at me, etc). When I tried to explain how I am feeling he countered everything I said with how he feels. The rest of the time we sat there in silence. Eventually he said he will move out on the weekend, as he 'won't stay where he's not wanted' and he 'can tell I don't want him here'.

So he's not being very childish then, hmm

I think you may just have had a lucky escape.

MissHope

In his defense, he does pay half of the household bills, just not the mortgage.

In many ways, though 'man-child' would be an apt description, as he relies on me/ his mother for many, many things and does spent most of his time online/ persuing his hobby.

You could well be right, thiugh, spirit as I have seen a side of him this past few weeks I NEVER thought existed. I thought I knew him inside and out but evidently that's not true.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I have seen a side of him this past few weeks I NEVER thought existed. I thought I knew him inside and out but evidently that's not true.

Is this the first time you have stood up to him over an issue?

MissHope

Yes, I guess it is: when we have had issues in the past I have tried to find a compromise or pretty much just let it go.