I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

ColS wrote: »

Hi Miss Hope

Only just seen this thread and haven't read through it all in full, but I think I've read enough to have a pretty good grasp on the main issues. You have clearly made the right decision.

Don't worry about second guessing yourself - it's only natural to do so, and you will continue to do it for a while. I have done for the last 12 months, and despite the concerns I mentioned in my recent post on another thread, I wouldn't change things.

Keep your chin up - better times ahead

Thank you so much, ColS. I hope you're right! I hope the best times are yet to come for you, too.

McCloud1 wrote: »

I just wanted to ask, do you agree with all of the attacks on your OH's character from various posters here? I understand that there may be an element of truth here and there, but do you think it right to label him as a spineless, manipulative man-child? If you were to appraise him as a person, is that all he amounts to?

I ask because I often see certain posters get a bit too trigger happy on labelling people, when maybe they don't realise that a person's mistakes and flaws do not define them as a whole - and if they do realise, they are awfully quiet about it.

Any one of us could be summed up in one unpleasant adjective based on our flaws. It's sad to think somebody can go from being so important to you, to just being an object of ridicule, without actually doing anything malicious, but just not being what you want them to be.

It's perfectly normal to have an unpleasant emotional reaction to being broken up with. I'm yet to meet a woman who calmly walks away when I've ended things. Verbal abuse is expected. Not saying it's right, but people are people, not robots. It's unfair to attack him for failing to meet a standard that the general population do not adhere to. Or maybe everyone else is really rational about breakups and I just get the crazies...

Hi McCloud1. I completely agree that we are ALL much more than a series of labels, however there is definitely some truth in the spineless and man-child labels that other posters have used (our mutual friends have used the same labels, and they do know him). As for manipulative? I'm not sure - but then maybe that's because I've never seen our relationship like that before.

I do feel a little uncomfortable with some of the comments, whether they ring true or not but that's because I still want to defend him and I'd love more than anything for them not to be true. Coversely, I have found that outside, objective opinions to be helpful in clarifying the situation for me.

Personally, I disagree that verbal abuse is 'expected'; whether dumper or dumpee I would always try my best to minimise the hurt.

Caroline_a wrote: »

My first husband was a man like your OH. He was a manchild. I made all the decisions apart from the ones that were made by his mother. When I realised that things weren't working, I sat him down and in words of one syllable told him what was happening, why it was wrong, what he needed to do to change things in order for us as a couple to get back on track. He assured me that he would do these things.

There was a deadline (it was a financial issue - long story), and he had 6 months to get things right. He didn't, but worse, didn't even try. Of course when the 6 months was up, I made my decision and told him that the marriage was over. Nobody was more surprised than him!

However, he didn't learn. His third marriage is now over, and he's not changed a bit. He still believes that he's about 35 years younger than he actually is. Very sad, but totally all his own doing.

That is indeed very sad, Caroline_a. I am sorry you went through that.

Duchy: thank you.

McCloud1

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you so much, ColS. I hope you're right! I hope the best times are yet to come for you, too.



Hi McCloud1. I completely agree that we are ALL much more than a series of labels, however there is definitely some truth in the spineless and man-child labels that other posters have used (our mutual friends have used the same labels, and they do know him). As for manipulative? I'm not sure - but then maybe that's because I've never seen our relationship like that before.

I do feel a little uncomfortable with some of the comments, whether they ring true or not but that's because I still want to defend him and I'd love more than anything for them not to be true. Coversely, I have found that outside, objective opinions to be helpful in clarifying the situation for me.

Personally, I disagree that verbal abuse is 'expected'; whether dumper or dumpee I would always try my best to minimise the hurt.

Thanks for indulging my curiosity.

All I would say, is they aren't objective opinions, they are 100% subjective; based on whatever image the poster conjures up in their minds which WILL be based on personal bias/experiences. Objectivity is a very rare thing on this forum.

I wish you the best of luck.

Caroline_a

MissHope wrote: »

That is indeed very sad, Caroline_a. I am sorry you went through that.

Thank you, but no need to be sorry - I was the one who got away. He still has to live this Groundhog type life where nothing changes because he cannot see the need for him to change.

MissHope

McCloud1 wrote: »

Thanks for indulging my curiosity.

All I would say, is they aren't objective opinions, they are 100% subjective; based on whatever image the poster conjures up in their minds which WILL be based on personal bias/experiences. Objectivity is a very rare thing on this forum.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you.

They're objective in the sense that people posting on here do not know my OH or myself and so can provide an outsider's view of the situation.

FBaby

I am quite shocked at how quickly step 1 seems to have been bypassed for step 2. The thread seems to have moved to leaving him and completely end the relationship and having read it, I'm not entirely sure how that happened.

I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel that there had seem to be a large jump from your first post to the latter ones in only a few weeks. I raised this a couple of weeks ago and you said that you had always felt that way just not realised. You did say THEN that you knew you wanted to leave and that was before him saying that it was wedding or nothing.

I will be totally honest and I think those who have been manipulating you (unwillingly of course) are the poster on this forum and you have taken too much at heart what has been written here. No one here knows you let alone your OH, yet responses have been full of assertions that he is a bad partner and that leaving him is absolutely definitely the right thing? How can anyone who doesn't know you or him be so certain?

I totally agree with McCloud that he doesn't come across half as bad as he is portrayed here. Ok so clearly he isn't a decision maker, but it is quite common in relationship that one takes on that role whilst the other takes on another role. You say he has been your rock when you needed support, I am surprised no-one has commented on how meaningful that is when so many posts are started because of male partners not providing emotional support.

I see a deeply hurt man. One who has been led to believe that he was about to marry the woman who he loves and he being shafted at the last minute, not even really understanding why. Of course the anger and fear is going to express itself in some ways. Compromises are very subjective. You see him as not prepared to make any because he doesn't want to stand up to his family now, but he could see you as not being prepared to make compromises, ie. accepting that he has some flaws, but maybe that these balance out with the rest.

I am absolutely not saying that the right choice would be for you to stay with him and maybe this thread has nothing to do at all with your decision to leave, but if it does, then do take a step back as ultimately, no-one else but you will have to live with your decision.

sneekymum

OP having doubts about the relationship. Really needs time to think. Postponing the wedding is a sensible (and brave!) idea. Why be swept along into a marriage when there are doubts? Someone who was going to love you forever would wait till the end of time for you. Instead he did a "now or never" ultimatum. OK "never then" would be the obvious answer.

purpleshoes_2

Sorry. But I think saying other posters are manipulating the op is totally uncalled for. Just because they dont share your opinion?

You could say the same for the he must be a nice guy really school of thought.

I dont post on here to try and manipulate anyone. Ever. I hope you choose your words more carefully next time.

purpleshoes_2

Read back the last few posts the op has made, talk about miserable. Shouting and swearing at her, refusing to leave, nice guy, pull the other one, its got bells on.

The op is clearly unhappy and shes got posters guilt tripping her and calling other people manipulative? Seen it all now.

McCloud1

purpleshoes wrote: »

Read back the last few posts the op has made, talk about miserable. Shouting and swearing at her, refusing to leave, nice guy, pull the other one, its got bells on.

The op is clearly unhappy and shes got posters guilt tripping her and calling other people manipulative? Seen it all now.

The OP is the only one who knows the man, and has repeatedly confirmed that, in spite of his flaws, he is not a bad guy. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assumed you missed those posts rather than intentionally ignored them.

FBaby

Sorry. But I think saying other posters are manipulating the op is totally uncalled for. Just because they dont share your opinion?

I did state 'unwillingly'. It is nothing to do with having a different opinion, it is pushing OP in believing that the right thing for her to do is to leave her partner -and I say pushing because the responses have become more and more so 'you are doing the right thing leaving him'. How can anyone know that with certainty when all they don't even know they two parties involved? MissHope is coming across as maybe a bit vulnerable and that's why I used the word 'manipulated'. That doesn't mean there has to be intent to hurt by doing so, it is more a typical case of cyber phenomenon, when it is so much easy to feed on other people's assertion.

I think it is essential for anyone to disassociate what is being said on this forum and the reality. The two are very different. This is a great site for practical advice, but when it comes to making emotional decisions, based on the inevitable biased view of strangers, then I think reality is much more reliable.