I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

FBaby

Shouting and swearing at her, refusing to leave, nice guy, pull the other one, its got bells on.

See that's why I think it is easy to get a biased opinion of the other person when only reading one side.

If a female poster had come here to say that she was heartbroken because her fiance who she was expected to marry in a few months time had just said that not only he had decided not to go to the wedding but decided that the relationship was over and that she needed to leave the house, wouldn't she get any sympathy?

If she said that she was very close to her family because they needed her, but her fiancee was putting pressure on her to pick her family or him, who would be seen as the manipulator?

If she said that her fiance was pressuring her for sex when her sex drive was low at the moment because she felt under stress to please everyone, but her fiance made her feel guilty about it, would posters say that she was clearly not good for him and he should leave her immediately?

If she said that he suddenly announced that he wanted to break up with her and because it was his house, she had to be out immediately, and she was so shock, she shouted and cursed after, but did apologise afterwards, would she be told that she was a bad person for doing so?

I think OP clearly has some serious issues in her relationship that rightly makes her consider the future of it and that's fine. It is fine too to seek views of people who can provide some insight but in the end, OP will be much more equipped to decide with the help of friends, family or professional help what is best for them to do.

Saying that, MissHope, I might be totally wrong and this thread might have nothing or little to do with your decision to separate. If that is the case, I apologise for implying it and I wish you good luck.

Redacted

Hi, I've been reading along, but not posted before. But I think McCloud and FBaby are raising some valid points, especially FBaby's last post. To be honest I feel quite sorry for the guy. I feel sorry for you too, don't get me wrong. But I can absolutely see things from his point of view in the way FBaby has outlined above.

You say you think he's clear that you're splitting up because he won't postpone the wedding, because of how the conversation developed. If it's 100% true that it's the only reason your splitting, I wouldn't take it for granted that he realises that. Be explicit. Tell him, if it's true, that you want to stay together, but you're not ready to get married yet. Make it clear to him that it is only because of his ultimatum that you are splitting; because you can't marry him right now and this was the only other option he gave you.

However, if you reflect and you find it's not true. That you are relieved he gave you an out to split up now, because actually this relationship isn't what you want, be honest with yourself and him about it. You can love someone and still know it isn't working, and that loving is slowly turning into "care for deeply".

No matter how hard you try, you will be being influenced by what you read here. It's human nature. And McCloud is right that what you are reading here is subjective, not objective. We are all coloured by our pasts and the emotions our relatable experiences bring up, and we can't help but reflect that in our posts to you.

So take a deep breath, slow down your thinking a little and figure out: "what do you really want?" If it's to be with this man, "what must change in order for us to stay together?" Understand you won't get everything on your list and that he might want to see some changes from you as well. You too will have to compromise. Otherwise it's no compromise at all, it's him meeting your requirements.

If you want to break up though, be honest about it. You both deserve to be happy at the end of the day, and living in limbo is miserable. And yes, this post is also subjective, and influenced by my own past experiences.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm another who sees both sides to this and I deliberately haven't posted so far because I've mainly been sitting on the fence between 'they can work this out' and 'there are some serious warning signs'.

I think positive characteristics and being friends first and foremost are very under rated when thinking about the long term and personally, whilst I need sexual intimacy to feel close to my husband and live with him harmoniously, I'm not attracted to men who aren't exceptionally kind and caring in nature first, which I suspect rules out a lot of men (it's not a criticism people, it's me being personal and picking up on something I think might be important to the OP in an attempt to help *her*, so please no-one take offence.)

However, there are a few things that need to be addressed and sadly, he isn't listening or willing to resolve them. Perhaps he doesn't realise how serious the OP is, perhaps he knows they can't be resolved and is burying his head in the sand. Only he knows. Since he isn't willing to delay the wedding I suspect he believes everything will work out and he just wants (what he thinks is) the stressful bit over with and thinks the OP will go ahead with it. Yet it's foolish; I don't think he has thought through the consequences of that decision.

Weddings are stressful, life itself is stressful. This is as good as it gets generally, so being honest, I am doubtful about the long term relationship, but IF they can work on their sexual differences then the other things (parents) are actually quite easy, though there needs to be a will on both sides which I'm not seeing from the partner.

The sex thing can't sort itself out OP so if your fianc! is unwilling to even discuss it, that's probably your deal breaker. Although frequency and instigation are only ever the concern of those involved (ie never suits many, daily might not be enough), I don't think once/week is bad statistically; part of the problem here is that it can decline significantly in the few years following children when parents are very tired and adjusting to family life.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

If a female poster had come here to say that she was heartbroken because her fiance who she was expected to marry in a few months time had just said that not only he had decided not to go to the wedding but decided that the relationship was over and that she needed to leave the house, wouldn't she get any sympathy?

But this isn't what happened.

If a female poster had come on to say that her fiance was having second thoughts about going ahead with the wedding because there were some issues with their relationship that he wasn't happy with, I think she would be advised to agree to postpone the wedding and work on the problems.

If she said that she didn't really see that there were any problems and she'd given her fiance the choice of going ahead with the wedding or breaking up completely, I don't think she'd be seen as the one that was hard done by.

greenval

I am one of those who would go with the idea that it's best that he leaves, but, that's all that is being suggested. I haven't said 'never speak to him again' 'Find someone else' 'Do you know any good hitmen'
Regardless of who is at fault clearly things aren't working well. Time apart will take some pressure off both parties and maybe allow them to re assess the situation, who knows, they may get back together, they may not. Whatever the outcome surely it's better than the stress of the current situation?

FBaby

If a female poster had come on to say that her fiance was having second thoughts about going ahead with the wedding because there were some issues with their relationship that he wasn't happy with, I think she would be advised to agree to postpone the wedding and work on the problems.

My comments was not about the advice to postpone the wedding, but about some posters starting to make judgemental comments on the OP's partner's character. I don't think anyone would agree to advise her to actually go ahead with the wedding, the issue is whether to work on the relationship or give up on it for good.

If she said that she didn't really see that there were any problems and she'd given her fiance the choice of going ahead with the wedding or breaking up completely, I don't think she'd be seen as the one that was hard done by.

Maybe that's where I'm a bit confused because my perception of the whole thread is that MissHope started talking about her thinking that they should separate quite a few days/week before she said to him she wanted to postpone the wedding. Wasn't there a previous discussion where they talked things through and he did agree to some compromise, but MissHope didn't see as such. It seemed to me that the ultimatum came as a result of MissHope giving him very confusing signals as to what she actually wants.

I suppose the reason why I decided to post again is that the feeling I get from the whole thread is that MissHope doesn't actually know what it is that she wants. She is trying to weight the pros and cons of staying/moving, but seems to have come to a final conclusion very quickly after that. I suppose sometimes it is better to go ahead, make a decision and stick to it rather than dwelling about it for long, but at other times, it can have the opposite effect.

FBaby

Time apart will take some pressure off both parties and maybe allow them to re assess the situation

That is definitely another consideration, but again, very different to saying the relationship is over for good.

I personally think that couple give up much too quickly as soon as they face issues that can't resolve. I think that in many cases, if you actually put energy in working things out....with time rather than wanting an immediate change, then you can actually not only make things better, but make things stronger. I have seen the most successful relationship going through times of hell where both partners have considered separation, but have come the other way around even more in love and happy. That's of course when love is still present.

I think there is a massive difference between postponing a wedding because there are issues to work through and giving up on the relationship all together where both partners still love each other and there are a number of good elements to the relationship.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I think that in many cases, if you actually put energy in working things out....with time rather than wanting an immediate change, then you can actually not only make things better, but make things stronger. I have seen the most successful relationship going through times of hell where both partners have considered separation, but have come the other way around even more in love and happy.

But that's only possible if both partners are willing to work at improving the relationship.

BigAunty

Quite why some people seem to think their posts are more 'objective' than others baffles me. As Howard Wolowitz once noted 'The internet is no place for the truth!'. There was even one post on another thread that suggested only trained counsellors could give legitimate responses.

It's up to the OP to decide if any of the comments chime with her and are articulating, drawing out and better defining the issues she is facing and the decisions she should make or if she's being brainwashed by agenda ridden harpies. She seems to think that the comments have generally helped her to formulate what is wrong, what she truly wants and needs. It's clear that they have also identified his strengths and the relationships pluses as she's been encouraged to explore much more widely than her initial doubts.

Based on repeated threads on this forum replete with virtually identikit issues relating to the 'man-child' with their virtually identikit behaviour, I have raised this concept. Compared with some of the threads, her ex is a saint since there is an absence of the thorough laziness, financial exploitation and selfishness characterised on those threads.

He pays something towards the house (albeit well under market rate), his main interest helps others rather than is an excuse to absent himself from the domestic sphere, he does do housework, has no major vices, is not abusive, is fully employed. His anger at being dumped and the realisation he has to leave the property just identifies him as human, not wicked.

But an absence of major negative traits doesn't mean it's a good relationship. His failure to make some necessary changes, such as protecting her from his parents, agreeing to a pre-nup, refusing to try couples counselling, resisting doing anything about libido issues and her worry about a slide into a plutonic, chaste relationship are big warning signs.

I'm glad we've given her food for thought in the whole spectrum of 'stick with it' to 'walk away'. Her decisions have been made after discussing issues with him and finding his responses very disappointing. She doesn't want to continue as they are, he does - big mismatch.

She may find that only the ending of the relationship and his having to move out will provide the much needed wake up call this dozy man appears to need to know what he's got and what he must do to keep it. Seriously, postponing a wedding wasn't sufficient to spur him into action?

I suppose whether or not he steps up and fights to save the relationship at this point is up to his strength of character and how deeply he loves her. If he is as ultra passive as she makes out, and the relationship was tending towards the asexual because deep down, he really wanted a companion rather than a mate, then its the end of the road.

McCloud1

BigAunty wrote: »

Quite why some people seem to think their posts are more 'objective' than others baffles me. .

What are you talking about? Pointing out to the OP that all opinions received are subjective does not amount to saying "my posts are more objective". No one said that.