I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

Wow! This thread seems to have taken on a life of its own over the weekend. I am not going to be able to respond to everything but where I feel there have been misconceptions, I will endeavour to respond to/ clarify them.

Thank you all for your comments, though.

Firstly, I do not in any way feel manipulated by any posters on here, not that I would be swayed in important life choices solely on the comments of posters on a forum anyway. It is my belief that everyone who has posted has done so in a genuine attempt to help, and for that I am exceptionally grateful.

I think it was Big Aunty who said I have been considering both sides of what has been posted: this is exactly true. Weighing up posters' comments, along with those of my friends and family in RL and my own analysis of the situation is helping me reach a balanced overview of what's happening and therefore (hopefully) make the best possible decision(s). Interestingly, people in RL are saying the same as posters like purpleshoes and Mojisola. He finally told his (lifelong) best friend a few days ago and even HE said that my OH needs to talk to his parents, go for counselling, etc (OH told his friend the same as he's told me).

FBaby wrote: »

I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel that there had seem to be a large jump from your first post to the latter ones in only a few weeks. I raised this a couple of weeks ago and you said that you had always felt that way just not realised. You did say THEN that you knew you wanted to leave and that was before him saying that it was wedding or nothing.

Yes, I did but I also said repeatedly that I have been wibbling; all I have posted has been how I have felt at the time I have posted it.

I see a deeply hurt man. One who has been led to believe that he was about to marry the woman who he loves and he being shafted at the last minute, not even really understanding why. Of course the anger and fear is going to express itself in some ways. Compromises are very subjective. You see him as not prepared to make any because he doesn't want to stand up to his family now, but he could see you as not being prepared to make compromises, ie. accepting that he has some flaws, but maybe that these balance out with the rest.

The only aspect of your view here that I agree with is that, yes, he is deeply hurt (we both are). I have NOT 'shafted' him and he is fully aware of the reasons why I cannot go ahead with the wedding (at least not right now) and has said he can see where I am coming from even though we don't agree. He may well see me as not prepared to make compromises, though he is also aware I have tried many, many ways to resolve this situation and save us.

FBaby wrote: »

See that's why I think it is easy to get a biased opinion of the other person when only reading one side.

If a female poster had come here to say that she was heartbroken because her fiance who she was expected to marry in a few months time had just said that not only he had decided not to go to the wedding but decided that the relationship was over and that she needed to leave the house, wouldn't she get any sympathy?

If she said that she was very close to her family because they needed her, but her fiancee was putting pressure on her to pick her family or him, who would be seen as the manipulator?

I haven't put pressure on him to 'pick' his family; I have been very clear that I do NOT want him to have to choose sides or cut himself off but I do need to know he has my back.

If she said that her fiance was pressuring her for sex when her sex drive was low at the moment because she felt under stress to please everyone, but her fiance made her feel guilty about it, would posters say that she was clearly not good for him and he should leave her immediately?

Neither have I pressurised him for sex. Ever. I have expressed I would like to reach a compromise on how often, etc and made suggestions but I have never guilt-tripped him or demanded anything. Also, to clarify, 'at the moment' would translate as a period of over five years and his drive is the same through good times and bad, not just the current situation. So it's equally low when he's not 'trying to please' anyone.

If she said that he suddenly announced that he wanted to break up with her and because it was his house, she had to be out immediately, and she was so shock, she shouted and cursed after, but did apologise afterwards, would she be told that she was a bad person for doing so?

I didn't suddenly announce it - it was the culmination of DAYS of talking and an outcome that we both knew (and talked about) being on the cards for weeks, if we could not find a resolution. Neither did I say he had to be out immediately.

I think OP clearly has some serious issues in her relationship that rightly makes her consider the future of it and that's fine. It is fine too to seek views of people who can provide some insight but in the end, OP will be much more equipped to decide with the help of friends, family or professional help what is best for them to do.

I am seeking help from ALL of the above.

Saying that, MissHope, I might be totally wrong and this thread might have nothing or little to do with your decision to separate. If that is the case, I apologise for implying it and I wish you good luck
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Thank you.

MissHope

Redacted wrote: »

You say you think he's clear that you're splitting up because he won't postpone the wedding, because of how the conversation developed. If it's 100% true that it's the only reason your splitting, I wouldn't take it for granted that he realises that. Be explicit. Tell him, if it's true, that you want to stay together, but you're not ready to get married yet. Make it clear to him that it is only because of his ultimatum that you are splitting; because you can't marry him right now and this was the only other option he gave you.

I did make it clear to him and he does understand this.

So take a deep breath, slow down your thinking a little and figure out: "what do you really want?" If it's to be with this man, "what must change in order for us to stay together?" Understand you won't get everything on your list and that he might want to see some changes from you as well. You too will have to compromise. Otherwise it's no compromise at all, it's him meeting your requirements.

I would be happy to reach a compromise IF that were possible. I love him and I don't want to be without him but our issues are making it impossible to continue without compromise/ change...and he won't help me in reaching a compromise.

If you want to break up though, be honest about it. You both deserve to be happy at the end of the day, and living in limbo is miserable. And yes, this post is also subjective, and influenced by my own past experiences.

I have been honest (I always am). He knows I don't want this but we can't continue as we are.

FBaby wrote: »

Maybe that's where I'm a bit confused because my perception of the whole thread is that MissHope started talking about her thinking that they should separate quite a few days/week before she said to him she wanted to postpone the wedding. Wasn't there a previous discussion where they talked things through and he did agree to some compromise, but MissHope didn't see as such. It seemed to me that the ultimatum came as a result of MissHope giving him very confusing signals as to what she actually wants.
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He did initially agree to postponing, but more recently has said he doesn't think there's a point in doing so.

MissHope

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I have skim read the thread and not seen the answer to this question - who is the one person that the OP refused to invite and which caused the uproar with the parents to be?

I have to say that given the OP's other issues with the relationship adding the above into the mix for the sake of one person seems mad to me. I would compromise on that aspect, and lower the tension and then address the other issues.

To clarify, I did not refuse to invite the guest. It was what we BOTH wanted, although OH would have gone along with their wishes if it hadn't been what I wanted too. The individual is the grandchild of the step father and someone who has tantrums, swears and abuses OH's parents publically. As we wanted a very small, weekday, wedding we said we wanted adults-only (not that we didn't want this particular individual) wedding; the individual wasn't singled out or criticised. We weren't allowed the opportunity to talk it through or reach a compromise with them; they immediately reacted as described.

FBaby wrote: »

Only a few weeks ago, OP was planning a wedding. The issues might have been dormant but there for a long time from her perspective, but clearly he was led to think that all was well and there were no issues.

This is not true. OH has always known how I feel and what our issues have been.

The problem as I see it is that because OP has been having those thoughts for a long time, she feels that her partner should have done something about it long ago, or be prepared to do so right away now. Maybe from his perspective, he thought things were fine, if not perfect, so having to make sudden clear changes or else... might be much more difficult to deal with.

Again, not true.

Mojisola wrote: »

Even if the wedding is cancelled and he moves out for a while, it doesn't mean everything is finished.

A complete break from each other will give time for them to reassess the situation - are they happier without each other, do they desperately miss each other, do the good things start to outweigh the bad (or vice versa), can they both see where they would be happy to compromise in order to rebuild the relationship?

This is my current hope. Since talking ALL weekend (again) he has relaxed his attitude on if he leaves we are over for good and instead we will see how things pan out for a while. So he is moving out tomorrow and we're cancelling the wedding but only time will tell if it is completely over.

As things stand now, we're at a deadlock. In terms of the FILs, he is still saying he will not/ cannot do anything right now; he wants me to marry him first, saying if I am his wife it will give him more leverage with them. But I can't go ahead and marry him on the faith that this will happen because I don't trust it will (he's broken many promises in the past).

We have reached a similar deadlock on our other issues.

So, frightexec2009, it was a bit of a traumatic weekend and this week's going to be incredibly difficult but I still intend trying this one last option (my friends and family all think I should end it completely but I do agree with those of you who have written about fighting to save a relationship).

purpleshoes_2

I think there's one person trying to make compromises and one person doing practically nil. Someone giving out the message, I'll support you more when you are my wife, what if you marry him and he doesn't support you when his parents are giving you grief? That's just not good enough.

I think some posters on here are seeing this relationship through very rose tinted specs. Why should the OP settle for a less than happy relationship just because she's in her 30s?

That has been suggested on here.

It's all very well fighting to save a relationship, but he's not making any effort. If he made more effort in the first place your relationship wouldn't be on its last legs.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

I have been in a relationship with my OH for six years

purpleshoes wrote: »

It's all very well fighting to save a relationship, but he's not making any effort.

If he made more effort in the first place your relationship wouldn't be on its last legs.

This is the thing I would find hard to get over. If he hasn't made an effort for the last six years and he does start now when he realises that he might be losing everything, are any changes going to be permanent or will things slip back once the relationship is back on track?

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think anyone would dispute that. I certainly wouldn't, but maybe where I am coming from a different angle is that unhappiness doesn't always equate with running away.

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I don't see the OP as running away . I see her as taking stock of her current situation and deciding if marriage is the right step with this man at this time (but then I don't just take the alternative view just for the heck of it either )

Cancelling a wedding is rarely the easy option -but sometimes it is the right one.

purpleshoes_2

Mojisola wrote: »

This is the thing I would find hard to get over. If he hasn't made an effort for the last six years and he does start now when he realises that he might be losing everything, are any changes going to be permanent or will things slip back once the relationship is back on track?

I actually think its game over if someone hasn't made enough effort for that length of time. I speak from experience on that one.

Resentment kicks in. The OP said in previous posts that he could not and would not deal with the issue with his parents before they are married. He's made his choice.

I just don't buy the view that some posters have of this poor man who feels hurt and let down because the wedding isn't going ahead. If the relationship wasn't crumbling the wedding would be going ahead. He's not interested in counselling, his view seems to be marry me and everything will be ok, that might just be another way of saying, I cant be bothered and I'm just spinning you this line in the hope that you fall for it.

He's an adult, he's all the person he's ever going to be. Way too many red flags from start to end for me to be able to say to the OP marry him.

MissHope

He's gone.

mellymoo74

Take care of yourself. Use this time to think. Xx

itsanne

MissHope wrote: »

He's gone.

It will be hard just now but it's sounded like that's what's needed. You've said you love him but can't go on without things changing: now he will be forced to think about things as much as you have been doing. Things may not be final yet, but whatever happens from now on you will be able to move on with your life without the cloud hanging over you as it has been.

Good luck!