I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

duchy

That isn't what Big Auntie said.

A relationship with sexual problems, family issues and communication issues doesn't sound ideal for a fast approaching marriage - certainly postponement makes sense before making a lifetime commitment - and potentially giving 50% of a property to a partner.

The fact the OP's partner reacted by issuing an ultimatum of the marriage going ahead or finishing and wanting to shelve all issues until after the wedding really left the OP with few options. It is often said women expect marriage to change a man in this case it seems this man expects a wedding ceremony to magically change him.

BigAunty

duchy wrote: »

That isn't what Big Auntie said.

...

The way I feel abou the objective/subjective debates that come up on this advice forum designed for people to give their opinions and the related threads around 'who knows if the OP is telling the truth and who knows if the posters don't have a strong bias or agenda' is that it's a waste of time.

Sometimes they are raised as issues simply because someone doesn't like the opinion or advice offered - 'subjective' is another way of criticising the post, inferring 'my advice is better than yours'. These types of arguments appear when a poster is anxious that another poster has too much influence (meaning not only that they are wrong but that they hold the wrong views strongly and unashamedly...).

I don't mind disagreements on forums, they are designed for debate. Forums aren't particularly sophisticated when it comes to debates around truth, authenticity, objectivity and so forth - far too complex for what is essentially an online natter.

These forums don't operate very much differently than in real life when someone asks for advice and those around them will give really divergent views that may be influenced by their experiences, politics, age, background,religion and so forth.

What is refreshing about this thread is that there is a wide variety of suggestions being made to the OP who isn't just seeking accomplices to justify an existing decision.

She seems to have used different points as food for thought to think her way around and through the problems, seeing the different perspectives as a springboard into making her own mind up. In that respect, she's quite insightful - she hasn't been offended by the posts but been productive with them.

I do wonder whether or not her Ex will wake up, take responsibility and prove that he can make the changes for their relationship to succeed in the long term. Hopefully he's found a forum (or a bunch of friends) who will take his ex to task but also get him to admit to personal weaknesses, too, like the OP.

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

It is often said women expect marriage to change a man in this case it seems this man expects a wedding ceremony to magically change him.

Or that he thinks that he won't have to change once MissHope has married him.

Andypandyboy

I have skim read the thread and not seen the answer to this question - who is the one person that the OP refused to invite and which caused the uproar with the parents to be?

I have to say that given the OP's other issues with the relationship adding the above into the mix for the sake of one person seems mad to me. I would compromise on that aspect, and lower the tension and then address the other issues.

Mojisola

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I have skim read the thread and not seen the answer to this question - who is the one person that the OP refused to invite and which caused the uproar with the parents to be?

I have to say that given the OP's other issues with the relationship adding the above into the mix for the sake of one person seems mad to me. I would compromise on that aspect, and lower the tension and then address the other issues.

As the wedding is likely to be called off, it's irrelevant who the unwanted guest was.

Andypandyboy

Mojisola wrote: »

As the wedding is likely to be called off, it's irrelevant who the unwanted guest was.

It may be irrelevant now, but equally, it may not have been irrelevant in the beginning.:D

I just wondered why one guest had triggered such a huge furore.

Mojisola

Andypandyboy wrote: »

It may be irrelevant now, but equally, it may not have been irrelevant in the beginning.:D

I just wondered why one guest had triggered such a huge furore.

Because of the reaction from the OP's OH and his parents.

Andypandyboy

Yes, but why? Why was this guest so important (in the scheme of things) to both sides that this situation ensued? I would just be interested to know who they were. As in relative, old friend etc. There has to be a back story here for the parents to have reacted in that way. Were the in laws contributing?

[Deleted User]

I seem to remember reading it was a close relative.., on the OP's partner's side of the family - they were close to the person but neither the OP nor her partner were, so didn't invite them as they wanted a small 'close relatives' only wedding, which is their right. But agree its not really important. It was just the symbol for other problems within the relationships.

FBaby

These forums don't operate very much differently than in real life when someone asks for advice and those around them will give really divergent views that may be influenced by their experiences, politics, age, background,religion and so forth.

That's where I don't agree at all, I think it is very different. I realised that when a colleague friend told things in confidence and I reacted to it totally differently to what I would have told her if she was a stranger who had come posting here. The reality is that it is so much easier to respond with a black or white view when both parties are anonymous. In real life, you know the person better and you can appreciate that there is much more to the situation than what is just being said to you, so you can have a clearer idea of the situation. You are also much more wary of how what you say might influence the person.

I also think that posters are are a small subset of society and not representative at all of the real society. Many people (most?) would not see any interest in posting on open forum, let alone give advice to posters. Those who come here usually like to talk and give opinions and be heard (me included).

Most forum participants can distiguish between what they read here and what is real, but I know that sometimes it can get quite blurred, especially for those who don't have much support in the real world and are naturally very trusting of people's opinions.