I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

purpleshoes_2

So much unhappiness in the OPs posts. I think shes worked out quite clearly for herself what to do for the best for her. As I said before it surprised me that tayforth got almost 100 per cent support to leave her miserable relationship, no one was referred to as manipulative on that thread.

FBaby

So much unhappiness in the OPs posts.

I don't think anyone would dispute that. I certainly wouldn't, but maybe where I am coming from a different angle is that unhappiness doesn't always equate with running away.

From my own perspective, I had time when I felt utterly unhappy, but working things through turn out for the best. This is the case in my current relationship, but even more strikingly in my work environment. 2 years ago, I was absolutely miserable and had very good reasons to feel like it. At the time, I couldn't see any solutions to it and if someone had told me just stick with it, it will get better, I would have got angry because only my immediate well-being mattered. But I did stick it out, work hard to make make things better, even when I didn't think I was the one who should be making the efforts and sure enough, I am now really happy with my job.

I can think of so many other instances, my father and step-mother, on the verge of divorce, horrendous situation, but they decided to work on it (to be fair, I would say not through choice, more than neither could face being on their own again), but through the adversity, they did work through their issues. They are now retired and really enjoy their life together. My OH met them in the last 5 years and he can't believe that once upon a time, they would have both said they hated each other with all their guts.

I am absolutely not saying that people should always stay together no matter what, or that they are bound to regret having turned the page. I just think that as a society, we want immediate resolution, instant access to happiness, when I do believe that in many cases, happiness comes from hard work (beyond what we think we deserve to give) and more importantly, a lot of patience.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I can think of so many other instances, my father and step-mother, on the verge of divorce, horrendous situation, but they decided to work on it (to be fair, I would say not through choice, more than neither could face being on their own again), but through the adversity, they did work through their issues. They are now retired and really enjoy their life together. My OH met them in the last 5 years and he can't believe that once upon a time, they would have both said they hated each other with all their guts.

As long as both people are willing to work on the relationship, improvements are possible.

When one person isn't, the other is left with the choice of putting up with how things are or leaving.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

As long as both people are willing to work on the relationship, improvements are possible.

When one person isn't, the other is left with the choice of putting up with how things are or leaving.

I think the issue that couples might have different definitions of 'working on' a relationship. For some, it might involved a lot of talking and immediate actions taking place. For others, it might mean cutting down on the talking and taking more time to work things through.

Only a few weeks ago, OP was planning a wedding. The issues might have been dormant but there for a long time from her perspective, but clearly he was led to think that all was well and there were no issues. The problem as I see it is that because OP has been having those thoughts for a long time, she feels that her partner should have done something about it long ago, or be prepared to do so right away now. Maybe from his perspective, he thought things were fine, if not perfect, so having to make sudden clear changes or else... might be much more difficult to deal with.

Saying that, it is all about belief and if OP truly believes that they will never come to an agreement on compromises, then I would agree that it is a waste of time.

Again, from my perspective, it is not the issues themselves that makes me wonder about OP's decision to break up, it is the speed by which it went from 'maybe we shouldn't get married' to 'I think we should break up for good', where I feel that this is an even bigger step to going from 'let's get married' to 'let's delay it until our issues are worked through' stage.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Again, from my perspective, it is not the issues themselves that makes me wonder about OP's decision to break up, it is the speed by which it went from 'maybe we shouldn't get married' to 'I think we should break up for good', where I feel that this is an even bigger step to going from 'let's get married' to 'let's delay it until our issues are worked through' stage.

I can see what you mean but it could just be that posting and discussing the issues had clarified things for the OP. She was originally going ahead with the marriage partly because of the fear of losing her chance at having a family.

I don't know whether anyone would be swayed by strangers' views on a forum if they weren't already thinking along those lines.

sneekymum

Mojisola wrote: »

As long as both people are willing to work on the relationship, improvements are possible.

When one person isn't, the other is left with the choice of putting up with how things are or leaving.

I like the way you use the least words to say the most.

Mojisola

sneekymum wrote: »

I like the way you use the least words to say the most.

Thank you.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

I can see what you mean but it could just be that posting and discussing the issues had clarified things for the OP. She was originally going ahead with the marriage partly because of the fear of losing her chance at having a family.

I don't know whether anyone would be swayed by strangers' views on a forum if they weren't already thinking along those lines.

I sincerely hope you are right. It's the fact that she says she still loves him that makes wonder whether that is really the case.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I sincerely hope you are right. It's the fact that she says she still loves him that makes wonder whether that is really the case.

Even if the wedding is cancelled and he moves out for a while, it doesn't mean everything is finished.

A complete break from each other will give time for them to reassess the situation - are they happier without each other, do they desperately miss each other, do the good things start to outweigh the bad (or vice versa), can they both see where they would be happy to compromise in order to rebuild the relationship?

freightexec2009

MissHope wrote: »

He's going at the weekend, greenval; if he refuses then I will call my parents.

How did the weekend go MissHope?... xxx