I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

Thank you. You're right, of course. It's just so painful

Candyapple

Whilst 6 years is a long time to be with someone, it is probably for the best that you have split now. From reading your original post dated a month ago, besides all the other red flags, you both have mismatched sex drives which would ultimately boil down to long term resentment/sexless marriage if you went ahead with the wedding/relationship. You are 36 not 66, that is far too young to go without the joys of intimacy with your partner and someone who desires you. Or if you had married him, I can almost guarantee you would probably have ended up having an affair as soon as another man showed you any interest as you would have been starved of affection.

Good luck OP and take care of yourself whilst you are grieving the end of this relationship. You are still young and there are plenty of eligible bachelors out there. Myself a few years ago split up with my ex-fiancee of 12 years at a similar age to yourself with similar issues, I too couldn't bring myself to be married to him knowing that long term the problems were likely to get worse not better, but am currently engaged to a wonderful man who is the opposite of my ex. Sadly after years of neglect, when your partner doesn't want you it eats away at your self-confidence. My current partner has totally changed that in me because when a man wants you, and I mean truly wants you physically, it is such a confidence booster and you soon realise what a sham your previous relationship was and will wonder why you wasted so much time putting in all the effort when you were fighting a losing battle all along.

itsanne

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you. You're right, of course. It's just so painful

You've been feeling pretty awful for ages. That's what's been horrible about your situation - damned if you do, damned if you don't. The thing is, simply continuing with the wedding with the way things were and how uncomfortable you felt was a recipe for failure.

In needing to change things you haven't taken the stance that it has to be the end of everything. I don't want to give you false hope, but it is still possible that this will be a wake up call for him. If it is not, finishing now is much easier than it would be if you had gone ahead with the wedding, even if it doesn't feel like it at present. One way or the other, it will get easier.

Go easy on yourself. From what you have said, you have good support - don't be afraid to use it.

MissHope

Candyapple wrote: »

Whilst 6 years is a long time to be with someone, it is probably for the best that you have split now. From reading your original post dated a month ago, besides all the other red flags, you both have mismatched sex drives which would ultimately boil down to long term resentment/sexless marriage if you went ahead with the wedding/relationship. You are 36 not 66, that is far too young to go without the joys of intimacy with your partner and someone who desires you. Or if you had married him, I can almost guarantee you would probably have ended up having an affair as soon as another man showed you any interest as you would have been starved of affection.

Good luck OP and take care of yourself whilst you are grieving the end of this relationship. You are still young and there are plenty of eligible bachelors out there. Myself a few years ago split up with my ex-fiancee of 12 years at a similar age to yourself with similar issues, I too couldn't bring myself to be married to him knowing that long term the problems were likely to get worse not better, but am currently engaged to a wonderful man who is the opposite of my ex. Sadly after years of neglect, when your partner doesn't want you it eats away at your self-confidence. My current partner has totally changed that in me because when a man wants you, and I mean truly wants you physically, it is such a confidence booster and you soon realise what a sham your previous relationship was and will wonder why you wasted so much time putting in all the effort when you were fighting a losing battle all along.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, candyapple: I have found it incredibly reassuring. I hope I will be able to find someone as you have, if we do split up completely. I think the thing that makes it hardest is that in all other ways he's so loving - he constantly tells me he loves me, I am his world etc, cuddles me and is very caring.

itsanne wrote: »

You've been feeling pretty awful for ages. That's what's been horrible about your situation - damned if you do, damned if you don't. The thing is, simply continuing with the wedding with the way things were and how uncomfortable you felt was a recipe for failure.

In needing to change things you haven't taken the stance that it has to be the end of everything. I don't want to give you false hope, but it is still possible that this will be a wake up call for him. If it is not, finishing now is much easier than it would be if you had gone ahead with the wedding, even if it doesn't feel like it at present. One way or the other, it will get easier.

Go easy on yourself. From what you have said, you have good support - don't be afraid to use it.

Again, all true, itsanne. I do have a good support system and feel very fortunate to have them. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are amazing. And they won't let me NOT use them

Candyapple

MissHope wrote: »

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, candyapple: I have found it incredibly reassuring. I hope I will be able to find someone as you have, if we do split up completely. I think the thing that makes it hardest is that in all other ways he's so loving - he constantly tells me he loves me, I am his world etc, cuddles me and is very caring.

I can relate and sympathise with you. My ex was the same, generally a ‘good guy’ in all other senses but sadly actions speak louder than words. All the platitudes in the world about ‘making changes’ and other such promises soon feel empty when you realise that gradually they slip back into their old familiar routines/habits and you are left in a constant state of denial/confusion/sadness.

When you are young you don’t realise just how important sex is in a long term relationship. Often it is men that complain that their partners/wives are not interested and again long term it just leads to resentment/divorce/affairs. When you are with someone who has a lower sex drive than you, the relationship will not work long term. There are no ifs and buts about it; regardless of how ‘good’ the relationship may be in other aspects. It’s not your ex’s fault either, it’s not something he can change about himself, he just inherently has a lower drive than you.

We are all human at the end of the day and we need affection/reaffirmation of love with our partner, and often as is true for many men, this is shown through sexual contact. Has your ex had a health check recently or previously to verify that everything was ok and that there wasn’t a medical reason that contributed to his lack of drive? i.e. hormones, testosterone levels etc.

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

in all other ways he's so loving - he constantly tells me he loves me, I am his world etc, cuddles me and is very caring.


The thing is MissHope, it's easy to talk the talk, it's how he demonstrates this love to you that is key.

Kaye1

No advice, you just wishing you all the best.

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

The thing is MissHope, it's easy to talk the talk, it's how he demonstrates this love to you that is key.

That's very true, spirit

Kaye1 wrote: »

No advice, you just wishing you all the best.

Thank you, Kaye1

Candyapple wrote: »

Has your ex had a health check recently or previously to verify that everything was ok and that there wasn’t a medical reason that contributed to his lack of drive? i.e. hormones, testosterone levels etc.

No: he's said on several occasions that he will (the issue isn't always just frequency, if you catch my drift) but never has - saying he hasn't got time or he'll do it soon, etc.

RAS

My best wishes for the future MissHope.

candygirl

MissHope wrote: »

He's gone.

Hope you're ok hun :A