I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

MissHope

Hello. I have been inspired to write this post after reading Tayforth’s journey (thank you, Tayforth). I too am a long-time user of the MSE forums (though a relative newcomer to this board) but have registered using a new name to post this as a few people in real life know my original username and I would prefer if they did not make the connection.


I am going round in circles on a personal matter and it’s making me ill, so I am hoping some objective advice (or opinions) will help me reach the right decision.



Ok, here goes:

I have been in a relationship with my OH for six years and we are due to get married in a few months. Everything is paid for and all the preparations are fully underway. I should be happy, but I’m not.
I feel like I should be happy, though and that something’s wrong with me. I am not a victim of abuse. He is a decent, kind man who has looked after me through some really rough patches. He spoils me on my birthday and Christmas and pulls his weight around the house. We do bicker frequently and increasingly the bickering is turning into quite nasty arguments, with both of us sometimes swearing and name-calling. This isn’t something I’ve ever done before and I hate it, and myself. I’m not even sure why it happens but it is getting worse.



Our arguments are often about the same things, one of which is our sex life. Sorry to be so frank but we are lucky if we are intimate weekly – it’s more usual for it to be fortnightly but we frequently go a month or more without sex. I find it hard to initiate sex because I lack self esteem but on most of the occasions where I do, he turns me down, saying he’s tired or has some ailment. This is the same whether we’re getting on well or bickering – he says he just doesn’t feel the need and it’d be the same whoever he was with but I feel hideous, rejected and very frustrated. He is, however, very affectionate and we constantly cuddle, hold hands and exchange ‘I love yous’.


I suffer from anxiety and depression and so I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and I’m grateful that he still wants to be with me but he’s forever promising me things will change, including with our sex life – yet they don’t. He’s also done things quite a few times (I’m being deliberately vague, just in case) which he knows will make me anxious and it’s got to the point where it’s made me ill before he fulfils his promise. I keep asking him why he does this and he says he doesn’t intend to hurt me but needs to do things in his own time (this is often a year or more of me being in limbo).


That aside, he’s my best friend (we were close friends for years before we became a couple) and I’ve always felt that every relationship has its problems so the above is worth sticking with and working through. Until last month, when his parents over-reacted to a joint guest list decision and announced they would not be coming to the wedding. They also chose to put the blame for the decision on me (easier for them, I guess) and so I have been banned from their house and they have launched a character assignation on me, accusing me of all sorts and generally bad-mouthing me.


My OH did deny the lies and did say the marriage would be going ahead but otherwise didn’t defend me. And he won’t, because he’s afraid if he says anything then they’ll cut him off too. My heart breaks for what they’re putting him through but I am also hurt that he will only defend me to a point. He left me over Christmas to go over there without me and it seems that will be our future once we’re married unless they change their mind at some point. I have tried so hard to just deal with my hurt for his sake but it’s triggered my anxiety, I’m not sleeping and it’s making me ill – my parents have commented how dreadful I look and how worried they are as I seem to be ‘going backwards’ health-wise. I don’t want him to not have a relationship with them but I do want him to say that, as his future wife, he won’t let them disrespect me: to know I come first. And I worry what the future will be like with all this strife in it with his family. What if we have children?


It’s made me doubt whether we should get married at all, and also brought up all those prior niggles, making me question everything. But I am 36 and so badly wanted to settle down and have a family and I worry that if I don’t go ahead I’ll lose my chance of a family and happiness. I am not very good at being on my own and I can’t see who else would want me. Plus everything is paid for and the rest of our friends and family are all looking forward to the wedding.

I apologise for the length of this post but would be grateful for your thoughts. Thank you.

spirit

MissHope wrote: »

Hello. I have been inspired to write this post after reading Tayforth’s journey (thank you, Tayforth). I too am a long-time user of the MSE forums (though a relative newcomer to this board) but have registered using a new name to post this as a few people in real life know my original username and I would prefer if they did not make the connection.
Glad you found Tay's thread useful.

I am going round in circles on a personal matter and it’s making me ill, so I am hoping some objective advice (or opinions) will help me reach the right decision.



Ok, here goes:

I have been in a relationship with my OH for six years and we are due to get married in a few months. Everything is paid for and all the preparations are fully underway. I should be happy, but I’m not.
I feel like I should be happy, though and that something’s wrong with me. I am not a victim of abuse. He is a decent, kind man who has looked after me through some really rough patches. He spoils me on my birthday and Christmas and pulls his weight around the house. We do bicker frequently and increasingly the bickering is turning into quite nasty arguments, with both of us sometimes swearing and name-calling. This isn’t something I’ve ever done before and I hate it, and myself. I’m not even sure why it happens but it is getting worse.

Would you consider couples counselling?

Our arguments are often about the same things, one of which is our sex life. Sorry to be so frank but we are lucky if we are intimate weekly – it’s more usual for it to be fortnightly but we frequently go a month or more without sex. I find it hard to initiate sex because I lack self esteem but on most of the occasions where I do, he turns me down, saying he’s tired or has some ailment. This is the same whether we’re getting on well or bickering – he says he just doesn’t feel the need and it’d be the same whoever he was with but I feel hideous, rejected and very frustrated. He is, however, very affectionate and we constantly cuddle, hold hands and exchange ‘I love yous’.
It's tricky when libidos are mismatched.

I suffer from anxiety and depression and so I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and I’m grateful that he still wants to be with me but he’s forever promising me things will change, including with our sex life – yet they don’t. He’s also done things quite a few times (I’m being deliberately vague, just in case) which he knows will make me anxious and it’s got to the point where it’s made me ill before he fulfils his promise. I keep asking him why he does this and he says he doesn’t intend to hurt me but needs to do things in his own time (this is often a year or more of me being in limbo).
Are you getting Dr's help with this?

That aside, he’s my best friend (we were close friends for years before we became a couple) and I’ve always felt that every relationship has its problems so the above is worth sticking with and working through. Until last month, when his parents over-reacted to a joint guest list decision and announced they would not be coming to the wedding. They also chose to put the blame for the decision on me (easier for them, I guess) and so I have been banned from their house and they have launched a character assignation on me, accusing me of all sorts and generally bad-mouthing me.
this does not sound good, so if you go ahead with the wedding and a problem arises, will he take their side over you?

My OH did deny the lies and did say the marriage would be going ahead but otherwise didn’t defend me. And he won’t, because he’s afraid if he says anything then they’ll cut him off too. My heart breaks for what they’re putting him through but I am also hurt that he will only defend me to a point. He left me over Christmas to go over there without me and it seems that will be our future once we’re married unless they change their mind at some point. I have tried so hard to just deal with my hurt for his sake but it’s triggered my anxiety, I’m not sleeping and it’s making me ill – my parents have commented how dreadful I look and how worried they are as I seem to be ‘going backwards’ health-wise. I don’t want him to not have a relationship with them but I do want him to say that, as his future wife, he won’t let them disrespect me: to know I come first. And I worry what the future will be like with all this strife in it with his family. What if we have children?

what lies? not acceptable that he will only defend you to a point.

exactly, a marriage certificate will not fix this.
It’s made me doubt whether we should get married at all, and also brought up all those prior niggles, making me question everything. But I am 36 and so badly wanted to settle down and have a family and I worry that if I don’t go ahead I’ll lose my chance of a family and happiness. I am not very good at being on my own and I can’t see who else would want me. Plus everything is paid for and the rest of our friends and family are all looking forward to the wedding.

nor would I in those circumstances.

Balderdash, plenty more fish in the sea.


I apologise for the length of this post but would be grateful for your thoughts. Thank you.

My comments in red

harrys_nan

I don't see any of this to be a good basis for a happy marriage.
You future husband should be either trying to make his parents see the truth and him defending you ( as long as none of this was your doing) or he should walk away from them now, if he wont/cant stick up for you, then I don't know who will.
Marriage is hard work and both parties have to be on the same wave length for it to work, if you can't support each other before marriage then I cannot see things changing after.
Ask him how he would feel if you were no longer together.
Have a good think about where you want your life to go, x

pmlindyloo

The time just before a wedding is very difficult and often makes you reconsider things.

However, several things give rise to concern.

Quote
He’s also done things quite a few times (I’m being deliberately vague, just in case) which he knows will make me anxious and it’s got to the point where it’s made me ill before he fulfils his promise.

I know you want to be vague but what kind of things are you talking about. ''It's made me ill before he fulfils his promise'.

Are we talking about not clearing out the garage or something more important?

Does it make you ill because of your expectations or would it make the average person ill?

Hope you understand what I'm getting at.

Going to his parents for Christmas alone would be a 'no no' for me but, on the other hand, if you actively encouraged him to do this then that would be different.

Although this will seem simplistic you need to have one of those conversations - sitting down and talking about everything that concerns you. But before you do that you need to consider whether what you are concerned about is reasonable or highlighted because of your anxieties.

It is difficult to tell because you don't want to give too much detail.

Being afraid of going it alone should not be a reason to go ahead with the wedding. Not being able to sort out your differences is a good reason.

Weddings can be stressful and falling out with parents/relatives/friends over the arrangements is common. Don't let it fester. If your in laws won't welcome you into their home then write them a letter. Sort it out. Mention future grandchildren and how that could impact on them.

So basically, communicate. Relationship counselling may be an option but is not for everyone.

He's your best friend so that's a good start.

It may be an option to just postpone the wedding and see how things work out. Relationships are about compromising. If you can both do this then great. If you can't then move on.

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

That aside, he’s my best friend (we were close friends for years before we became a couple)

Are you sure he's a best friend and not just that you're very used to each other?

I'm not sure I'd be happy with a best friend who regularly causes me a lot of stress as you describe.

But I am 36 and so badly wanted to settle down and have a family and I worry that if I don’t go ahead I’ll lose my chance of a family and happiness.

You're assuming that you're going to happy if you do go ahead with the wedding. Are all these issues going to resolve themselves just because you've had the big day?

Plus everything is paid for and the rest of our friends and family are all looking forward to the wedding.

So they are looking forward to one day while you're making decisions about the rest of your life. Which is more important?

FBaby

You need to sort out this issue of 'guest lists' as it makes no sense that any disagreement on such a matter would result in such an issue, especially if you got along ok before. Surely if there was a misunderstanding, this can be sorted by communicating, negotiating, compromising?

Your OH is clearly close to his family and most likely always will be to some extent, so marrying him as things stand right now will put a lot of pressure on your marriage and will only get worse.

I would tell your OH that you can't contemplate being married to him if you can't get his parents to accept you to a certain extent. It is his responsibility to try to reconcile the situation. What are we talking about? The parents wanting to invite some distant friends of theirs and you saying no after OH said yes, or something like that? Certainly not worth such animosity for the rest of your time together.

MissHope

Thank you so much for your replies. I will try to answer your questions as best as I can...

MissHope

spirit wrote: »

My comments in red

Would you consider couples counselling?

I have suggested this on more than one occasion but he point-blank refuses to even consider it.

Are you getting Dr's help with this?

I have been in medication and undergone several sessions of counselling; I have an appointment for the New Year to ask if I can go back to counselling as I can feel my health getting worse.


this does not sound good, so if you go ahead with the wedding and a problem arises, will he take their side over you?

That's what I'm worried about. He says he's on my side but there's only 'so far he can push' them and he's not prepared to risk them turning their back on him.

what lies? not acceptable that he will only defend you to a point.
There was a lot but things like I'd been sending them abusive and agressive messages (I could prove I'd not done this, and it's not the sort of thing I would ever do. To anyone).

nor would I in those circumstances.

Balderdash, plenty more fish in the sea.

Thank you for your comments, spirit. I hope you're right!

harrys_nan wrote: »

I don't see any of this to be a good basis for a happy marriage.
You future husband should be either trying to make his parents see the truth and him defending you ( as long as none of this was your doing) or he should walk away from them now, if he wont/cant stick up for you, then I don't know who will.
Marriage is hard work and both parties have to be on the same wave length for it to work, if you can't support each other before marriage then I cannot see things changing after.
Ask him how he would feel if you were no longer together.
Have a good think about where you want your life to go, x

I did ask him exactly that, harrysnan. He says all he wants is to be with me and he would be very upset if we weren't together but he can't/ won't risk his parents cutting him off and has said all he's prepared to say to them (and he'll think that's what they'll do if he says one more thing in my defence) so I either have to accept that or he understands we'll have to split up (he can see how my health is declining too).

Mojisola

MissHope wrote: »

so I either have to accept that or he understands we'll have to split up (he can see how my health is declining too).

There's no way I would go ahead with a wedding with an OH who is happy to choose his parents over me!

MissHope

I have posted my responses to the following questions in blue:

pmlindyloo wrote: »

The time just before a wedding is very difficult and often makes you reconsider things.

However, several things give rise to concern.

Quote
He’s also done things quite a few times (I’m being deliberately vague, just in case) which he knows will make me anxious and it’s got to the point where it’s made me ill before he fulfils his promise.

I know you want to be vague but what kind of things are you talking about. ''It's made me ill before he fulfils his promise'.

Are we talking about not clearing out the garage or something more important?

Things like talking to his parents about our guest list wishes (we knew they wouldn't like our decision but we (or at least I) had no idea they would have such an extreme reaction. I wanted him to raise it with them straight away but he said he was 'waiting for the right time' and took a year to tell them: the uncertainty of the situation is what triggers my anxiety.

Does it make you ill because of your expectations or would it make the average person ill?

Probably mostly my expectations/ anxiety - I'm not sure how other people would react.

Hope you understand what I'm getting at.

Going to his parents for Christmas alone would be a 'no no' for me but, on the other hand, if you actively encouraged him to do this then that would be different.

I neither encouraged nor tried to stop him. To be fair, he wasn't there long but he knew that I wanted him to say we'd go together or not at all and he knew I'd been crying about it.

Although this will seem simplistic you need to have one of those conversations - sitting down and talking about everything that concerns you. But before you do that you need to consider whether what you are concerned about is reasonable or highlighted because of your anxieties.

We've had several of these. The outcome is basically I either have to deal with how I feel and accept that he's doing what he can but won't risk them cutting him off or we split. I know he does love me and is in an awful position but I do feel hurt by his choices and am struggling to accept them.

It is difficult to tell because you don't want to give too much detail.

Being afraid of going it alone should not be a reason to go ahead with the wedding. Not being able to sort out your differences is a good reason.

Weddings can be stressful and falling out with parents/relatives/friends over the arrangements is common. Don't let it fester. If your in laws won't welcome you into their home then write them a letter. Sort it out. Mention future grandchildren and how that could impact on them.

I could try this. I did ask if we could all sit down and talk it over (via text) when it first happened but was told they'd said all they had to say and would not be changing their mind.

So basically, communicate. Relationship counselling may be an option but is not for everyone.

He's your best friend so that's a good start.

It may be an option to just postpone the wedding and see how things work out. Relationships are about compromising. If you can both do this then great. If you can't then move on.

I really am trying to communicate and find a compromise, but I'm struggling to find a way forward that will make us both happy.

Thank you so much for your time and advice.

MissHope

Mojisola wrote: »

So they are looking forward to one day while you're making decisions about the rest of your life. Which is more important?

The rest of our lives: I know - I just don't want to lose him. I'm scared (and crying as I type this, pathetic being that I am).