I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

quantumleap

MissHope wrote: »

Hi quantumleap. Thank you for your comment.

The reason for the 'jump' is because when we talked last weekend he would not agree to postponing the wedding (when he had previously said this would be an option) and basically said it was go ahead or split up.

He's not a bad guy and I do love him. However, I also have come to realise we just aren't working. He cannot compromise on any of our issues and I cannot carry on as I am.

Fair enough - I missed his ultimatum, sorry about that. In that case he's quite foolish as you seem like someone who he should make a significant effort for.

Does he know that it was his refusal to agree to the cancellation of the wedding that has led to the split? If he retrospectively agreed, would it make a difference. I suppose I'm asking because I do see the relationship as being something that could work if he could just get onto the same page with you.

Ultimately though, you can only do so much and I wish you well.

Mojisola

quantumleap wrote: »

Fair enough - I missed his ultimatum, sorry about that. In that case he's quite foolish as you seem like someone who he should make a significant effort for.

He never has made an effort before so at least he's being consistent.

He seems to want things the way they suit him or not have the relationship at all.

quantumleap

Mojisola wrote: »

He never has made an effort before so at least he's being consistent.

He seems to want things the way they suit him or not have the relationship at all.

It does appear that way, which is unfortunate. I've saw a number of my own mates loose relationships with lovely women because they were just too damn stubborn and pig headed to realise what they had and compromise. Frustrates me TBH particularly when there is a great deal of love present, as does appear to be the case in Miss Hope's situation.

MissHope

quantumleap wrote: »

Fair enough - I missed his ultimatum, sorry about that. In that case he's quite foolish as you seem like someone who he should make a significant effort for.

Wow! Thank you.

Does he know that it was his refusal to agree to the cancellation of the wedding that has led to the split? If he retrospectively agreed, would it make a difference. I suppose I'm asking because I do see the relationship as being something that could work if he could just get onto the same page with you.

When we were talking and he said that, my response was in that case we have no option but to split up, so yes, I think he knows.

Ultimately though, you can only do so much and I wish you well.

Thank you

I wish with all my heart he could get on the same page as me, quantumleap. I still have moments of doubting what we're doing, even though my head's telling me this is the right thing in the long run (my heart's mainly just hurting - I cannot stop crying today )

ColS_2

Hi Miss Hope

Only just seen this thread and haven't read through it all in full, but I think I've read enough to have a pretty good grasp on the main issues. You have clearly made the right decision.

Don't worry about second guessing yourself - it's only natural to do so, and you will continue to do it for a while. I have done for the last 12 months, and despite the concerns I mentioned in my recent post on another thread, I wouldn't change things.

Keep your chin up - better times ahead

duchy

MissHope wrote: »

Hi quantumleap. Thank you for your comment.

The reason for the 'jump' is because when we talked last weekend he would not agree to postponing the wedding (when he had previously said this would be an option) and basically said it was go ahead or split up.

He's not a bad guy and I do love him. However, I also have come to realise we just aren't working. He cannot compromise on any of our issues and I cannot carry on as I am.

I think the problem seems to be that he is unable to see how his passivity is hurting you and damaging the relationship.

I don't think he's gay but I do think some people simply lack the ability to genuinely care for a partner. You are likely the nearest he has ever got (and may indeed get) but that isn't a reason to stay with him. You simply need more from a marriage than he is capable of providing emotionally.

McCloud1

Hi MissHope,

I've read your thread since the beginning, but have refrained from commenting.

I just wanted to ask, do you agree with all of the attacks on your OH's character from various posters here? I understand that there may be an element of truth here and there, but do you think it right to label him as a spineless, manipulative man-child? If you were to appraise him as a person, is that all he amounts to?

I ask because I often see certain posters get a bit too trigger happy on labelling people, when maybe they don't realise that a person's mistakes and flaws do not define them as a whole - and if they do realise, they are awfully quiet about it.

Any one of us could be summed up in one unpleasant adjective based on our flaws. It's sad to think somebody can go from being so important to you, to just being an object of ridicule, without actually doing anything malicious, but just not being what you want them to be.

It's perfectly normal to have an unpleasant emotional reaction to being broken up with. I'm yet to meet a woman who calmly walks away when I've ended things. Verbal abuse is expected. Not saying it's right, but people are people, not robots. It's unfair to attack him for failing to meet a standard that the general population do not adhere to. Or maybe everyone else is really rational about breakups and I just get the crazies...

Caroline_a

My first husband was a man like your OH. He was a manchild. I made all the decisions apart from the ones that were made by his mother. When I realised that things weren't working, I sat him down and in words of one syllable told him what was happening, why it was wrong, what he needed to do to change things in order for us as a couple to get back on track. He assured me that he would do these things.

There was a deadline (it was a financial issue - long story), and he had 6 months to get things right. He didn't, but worse, didn't even try. Of course when the 6 months was up, I made my decision and told him that the marriage was over. Nobody was more surprised than him!

However, he didn't learn. His third marriage is now over, and he's not changed a bit. He still believes that he's about 35 years younger than he actually is. Very sad, but totally all his own doing.

duchy

I tend to think we get what we deserve to a certain extent. MisHope has said she's never stood her ground before but always given in .................. so maybe you always getting the women you deem "crazies" has more to do with how you treat them and less to do with your supposed poor choices ?

McCloud1

duchy wrote: »

I tend to think we get what we deserve to a certain extent. MisHope has said she's never stood her ground before but always given in .................. so maybe you always getting the women you deem "crazies" has more to do with how you treat them and less to do with your supposed poor choices ?

Unfortunately there's no evidence that that's how the world works. Bad things happen to good people, and vice versa.

I wasn't commenting on MissHope's decision, her opinions are well informed. I was asking whether she felt comfortable with the bolder comments made by less informed people.

You totally missed the point on the 'crazies' comment. I'm the one saying it's normal for people to behave irrationally in such a situation. I used the term flippantly, and as a caveat to my argument as it was based on anecdotal evidence, and I never assume I am right.