I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

greenval

Miss Hope, please make sure he goes asap. This is not getting any better. You are 'starting to see a side of him you didn't know existed' , but it does. How far are you prepared to risk what may happen if you stay strong and the tension continues to rise?

MissHope

He's going at the weekend, greenval; if he refuses then I will call my parents.

duchy

MissHope wrote: »

In his defense, he does pay half of the household bills, just not the mortgage.

In many ways, though 'man-child' would be an apt description, as he relies on me/ his mother for many, many things and does spent most of his time online/ persuing his hobby.

You could well be right, thiugh, spirit as I have seen a side of him this past few weeks I NEVER thought existed. I thought I knew him inside and out but evidently that's not true.

Big deal he pays for the utilities he uses

I'd be helping him to pack his stuff by now.

Sorry but now you've had your eyes opened to what your friends and parents have seen about him for years -it's time to move him out and cancel the wedding.

MissHope

I am probably the least assertive person you could ever meet, plus I still do love him even though I recognise I cannot continue in the relationship so that's why it's hard for me to be like that, duchy.

And until reecent events kicked off, my parents and friends thought he was fantastic; our mutual friends were all so pleased when we got together and my parents got on really well with him. Now though they all agree with you.

EpsomOldie

EpsomOldie wrote: »

I agree with you that your and Tayforth's situations are different in that her former relationship was overtly abusive. But I think that your situation is just as pernicious.

MissHope wrote: »

Do you really think that?

Yes

wannabesybil wrote: »

Please be aware that he is likely to get extremely nasty ...

This ^^^^

You're now seeing the real man.

Do you know, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Stay strong - this is a turning point in your life. You have a wonderful future ahead of you Miss Hope.

ghosti

hi OP, i agree with the other posters here and think you are doing/have done the right thing.

as the old saying goes: "women marry a guy hoping they will change..."
men seldom do change unless they have a strong/important enough reason and a strong will. your (ex)fella doesn't seem to have either, so don't be that woman!

BigAunty

MissHope wrote: »

In many ways, though 'man-child' would be an apt description, as he relies on me/ his mother for many, many things and does spent most of his time online/ persuing his hobby.

You could well be right, thiugh, spirit as I have seen a side of him this past few weeks I NEVER thought existed. I thought I knew him inside and out but evidently that's not true.

I actually see the anger and blame towards you as a weirdly positive thing. He has at least moved past the denial stage where he dismissed the issues around finances, sex-drive, and ignored the disrespect shown by his parents towards you. The penny is dropping that it is over, so he's onto the next emotional phase. It's probably very intimidating for you but I do think this means he's no longer stuck in a passive/denial mode or trying to cuddle away big issues.

You've listed issues like libido, communication, finances, relationship with the in-laws, not finding him as attractive as before. This is the first time that you've mentioned his self-absorption with a hobby or being online.

What is it that he is prioritising his time (and perhaps money) on rather than attending to his family and personal relationships? How much time/money does he devote to them?

A major and repeated theme of the 'man child' threads we see on here has been the male partner essentially absenting himself from the domestic sphere in a variety of ways and/or frittering their money away. This has involved activities as diverse as spending most of the time in the pub, secret gambling or the continual purchase of gadgets and gizmos. My friend has a stingy partner who won't put a penny of his money into the house and spends his disposable income on classic cars which has garaged at a secret location (I kid you not). Is he an online gamer?

Do you feel that though he has been genuinely supportive about your mental health issues or do you think he has taken advantage (not necessarily consciously and deliberately) of your vulnerability to suit himself (for example, by pushing back when you suggest changes to suit your needs and ignoring your requests)?

I'm thinking of the aggression you experienced when you raised the pre-nup, the way he has paid only towards bills and nothing extra, refusing counselling, not discussing things with his parents when you've asked him to. There's a lot of evidence here that he gets his own way a lot and when you struggle to make your opinions known, you don't seem to be able to influence the outcome yet you seem certain he is passive and not controlling.

I know that your mental health issues arose after you met and that you are pleased with how he supported you but some men are drawn towards vulnerable people and you have provided him with virtually free housing for 6 years. I know he pays towards the bills but I bet he couldn't even get lodgings for the sum he coughs up.

Could there be any possibility, as suggested before, that he may be gay (and again, it may be something that he isn't consciously aware of). Any tiny doubts in that area? You have said he doesn't seem to act as if he finds you attractive in the physical sense, only in words (words are cheap) and that you've have ended up in a virtually celibate companionship. His parents don't particularly sound the type of tolerant sort that would support a gay child and if he's been dominated by them, the first thing he would do is suppress any aspects of his being that would offend them.

MissHope

BigAunty wrote: »

I actually see the anger and blame towards you as a weirdly positive thing. He has at least moved past the denial stage where he dismissed the issues around finances, sex-drive, and ignored the disrespect shown by his parents towards you. The penny is dropping that it is over, so he's onto the next emotional phase. It's probably very intimidating for you but I do think this means he's no longer stuck in a passive/denial mode or trying to cuddle away big issues.

He's definitely no longer in denial. But he's in a different phase again, now: last night he was very subdued, apologised for his behaviour the previous night and talked about the practicalities of him moving out. He seems to have accepted it and just looks really sad now

You've listed issues like libido, communication, finances, relationship with the in-laws, not finding him as attractive as before. This is the first time that you've mentioned his self-absorption with a hobby or being online.

That's because I've never previously seen those things as an issue - he could be doing a lot worse and isn't spending all his money or time in the pub, etc. I'm not sure I think it's an issue now; your previous post just made me think about how he does spend a fair amount of time doing those things.

What is it that he is prioritising his time (and perhaps money) on rather than attending to his family and personal relationships? How much time/money does he devote to them?

The hobby is a sport, which takes up two evenings a week and the odd weekend day (it used to take loads of weekend time but he cut back his responsibilities to make more time for us a few years ago). He also has an admin responsibility to this sport, so spends several more hours per week undertaking admin tasks (the amount of time differs each week but a minimum would be around three hours).

He also spends a lot of time just messing about online/ his computer, and a lesser amount of time playing games (offline).

He sees his family briefly twice a week and the rest of his non-working time with me and occasionally our mutual friends. However, we have little 'quality' time together; I guess we've been in a rut for some time. We spend most of our time in front of the tv. If we do go out, it's generally my suggestion or it wouldn't happen.

A major and repeated theme of the 'man child' threads we see on here has been the male partner essentially absenting himself from the domestic sphere in a variety of ways and/or frittering their money away. This has involved activities as diverse as spending most of the time in the pub, secret gambling or the continual purchase of gadgets and gizmos. My friend has a stingy partner who won't put a penny of his money into the house and spends his disposable income on classic cars which has garaged at a secret location (I kid you not). Is he an online gamer?

No, he's not. And he doesn't spend a great deal of his money on his hobbies, to be fair to him. He also does pull his weight around the house, mostly. However, I organise everything and in many ways he isn't independent still.

Do you feel that though he has been genuinely supportive about your mental health issues or do you think he has taken advantage (not necessarily consciously and deliberately) of your vulnerability to suit himself (for example, by pushing back when you suggest changes to suit your needs and ignoring your requests)?

No, I do think he has been genuinely supportive. It's part of the reason why walking away from this relationship is killing me inside: he's been my rock. And I do love him.

I'm thinking of the aggression you experienced when you raised the pre-nup, the way he has paid only towards bills and nothing extra, refusing counselling, not discussing things with his parents when you've asked him to. There's a lot of evidence here that he gets his own way a lot and when you struggle to make your opinions known, you don't seem to be able to influence the outcome yet you seem certain he is passive and not controlling.

I don't know what to think on that score anymore. Perhaps he is controlling but doesn't realise it himself?

I know that your mental health issues arose after you met and that you are pleased with how he supported you but some men are drawn towards vulnerable people and you have provided him with virtually free housing for 6 years. I know he pays towards the bills but I bet he couldn't even get lodgings for the sum he coughs up.

We were very good friends for almost as long as we've been together before we got together and I don't think I would have appeared to be vulnerable in those days at all.

Could there be any possibility, as suggested before, that he may be gay (and again, it may be something that he isn't consciously aware of). Any tiny doubts in that area? You have said he doesn't seem to act as if he finds you attractive in the physical sense, only in words (words are cheap) and that you've have ended up in a virtually celibate companionship. His parents don't particularly sound the type of tolerant sort that would support a gay child and if he's been dominated by them, the first thing he would do is suppress any aspects of his being that would offend them.

If he is, I would be VERY surprised: I've never had any doubts in that area. I do feel like he doesn't find me attractive because he we don't have the same libido but I also recognise my own self esteem is terrible. I think he lacks confidence himself.

His parents have many flaws but I don't think him being gay would bother them, though I could be wrong: I never thought they'd act like they have.

I have tried to reply to your comments as best I can, BigAunty.

quantumleap

Just another quick comment Miss Hope. I posted last week about taking this is small steps. Suggesting that you needed to cancel the wedding in order to demonstrate to him that there were significant problems and that you were serious and simply not prepared for the problems to go on unaddressed. I then suggested the next step would be to end the relationship if this first step approach failed to produce the desired results. You seemed quite positive regarding this approach in a reply.

I am quite shocked at how quickly step 1 seems to have been bypassed for step 2. The thread seems to have moved to leaving him and completely end the relationship and having read it, I'm not entirely sure how that happened.

Again, just my thoughts. You are living this and in the best position to make decisions but I'm wondering if you've moved too quickly to the "end stage". I suspect the abrupt cancelling of the wedding may have made him realise what he seems now to have realised by the ending of the relationship.

The reason I'm saying these things is because you repeatedly talk about how much you love him and he you, hows he is your rock and how this is killing you. And to be honest whilst he does have many areas to be addressed, he doesn't seem to me to be a bad guy.

MissHope

Hi quantumleap. Thank you for your comment.

The reason for the 'jump' is because when we talked last weekend he would not agree to postponing the wedding (when he had previously said this would be an option) and basically said it was go ahead or split up.

He's not a bad guy and I do love him. However, I also have come to realise we just aren't working. He cannot compromise on any of our issues and I cannot carry on as I am.