I don't know what to do about our relationship: please help!

Birdie85

MissHope wrote: »

Actually, my parents raised that same thing (and they're not usually like that in their thinking, either). And not just the house, my inheritance from them, too. It hadn't occured to me either but when they raised it I decided to test the waters by saying if we go ahead I wanted a prenup (this was a few weeks ago and I didn't really want one, I just wanted to see how he'd react). Saying that also made him angry; he said he was insulted that I didn't trust him and if we split he would only take what he'd put in but that he would NOT be signing anything.

Last night he kept asking me to think and I kept telling him I had and we can't go any further. He said we can work through this, given time (!) and we've come too far to give up now (we have been through a lot). He keeps cuddling me, which I do find hard to pull away from. I have tried to explain that although I didn't want this outcome, and it's hurting me too, there is no way forward. But when I say that he goes back to how he's given me a compromise - he genuinely doesn't seem to be able to see that what he's offered is neither a compromise nor a resolution or just what's wrong with the situation with his parents. He maintains that he is defending me because the wedding is, in his mind, going ahead and because he broached the guest list with them in the first place and that talking to them 'won't change anything'.

I repeatedly told him my perspective and that I still want him to leave and each time he responded with he doesn't believe that's what I actually want and that he 'loves me too much' to 'give up on us' yet.

I am going back to my parents' for the night tonight.

If you want him to leave (either for good or just a few days breathing room) then pack him a bag and tell him to leave your house. He has family and friends to put him up, so don't worry about where he'll go. That's his issue. He shouldn't be bullying you out of your own house when he has no claim to it having not contributed at all. Don't fall for the crocodile tears as, by the sounds of it, he's just turning all of this on to confuse you and make you back down. He 'gave up on you' when he broke his promises to you the first time. He's not willing to be forced out of a comfortable (on his part - free housing and care etc) relationship more like! Please don't leave your home so he can stay there alone, he'll probably never leave!

I agree with the poster who says he sounds spineless. He just assumes you're as spineless as he is and you'll go ahead with the wedding and let him stay in your house because you're not strong enough to go through with your threats. Are you going to prove him right?

System

Dear MissHope,
I am another person who has followed your thread, wishing you well, but have not posted before as I have nothing to add to the good advice that you have already received.
But... like another poster, my heart is sinking as I read your posts. This guy wont change, please don't marry him!
In fact, please do not continue in any kind of relationship with this chancer.
Also, like you have been advised, please get your parents or supportive friends to come around and help you whilst you get him out! Pack his stuff while he is at work and tell him to go.
I worry that if YOU leave your home to stay with your parents, that he may change the locks and not let you back in, yes I know that you would be able to reclaim your property, but as what emotional cost and hassle.
I know it's hard, but by spending time with him, you are denying yourself the brighter future that you deserve.
Linda xx

snowleopard61

Deleted as duplicate post.

snowleopard61

Birdie85 wrote: »

Please don't leave your home so he can stay there alone, he'll probably never leave!

I agree with this.

wannabe_sybil

You don't need his permission to cancel everything in your name/joint names that is to do with the wedding. I suggest you do that now, seriously, save your life urgent now.

You don't need his permission to ask him to leave.

You don't need his permission to change the locks.

You do not have to be responsible for his problems.

Please, please, get everything to do with the wedding cancelled and make sure that you let everyone who knows him know that it is cancelled.

Please be aware that he is likely to get extremely nasty if you don't suffer so that he can be happy.

Sending hugs.

candygirl

Whether you marry him or not, you will definitely have to make the decision to split with him sooner or later hun:( Better sooner in my opinion, before any innocent kids are involved

Mojisola

candygirl wrote: »

Whether you marry him or not, you will definitely have to make the decision to split with him sooner or later hun:( Better sooner in my opinion, before any innocent kids are involved

And before he has built up rights to a share of your house.

candygirl

Mojisola wrote: »

And before he has built up rights to a share of your house.

Yep ! And that:(

mortgagenomore_2

I would give hubby a week to leave nicely and then if he has not left by then pack his bags and get your locks changed when he is at work and leave his bags outside (this will give you peace of mind anyway in case he returns in the future) and do not listen to any of his flannel, excuses, reasons anymore if he really wanted to change he would have done so by now so let him go back to his parents whom he seems to rank higher than you, you are worth so much more and one day I am sure you will meet someone who can treat you with the respect you deserve!

elsien

I'm not going to comment on whether he's controlling or not. Or whether he genuinely thinks you can sort things out between you.
What I would suggest though is that if he really does want the two of you to mend your relationship together, he should be willing to put himself out a little in the process.
So him moving out to give you the space you clearly need at the moment, putting the wedding on hold, and arranging couples counselling or whatever would be helpful in reaching a decision really isn't such a big ask.
If he doesn't want to do that, I'd be wanting to know how exactly what he is prepared to do to save your relationship. Because saying "I love you, we can sort this" is fairly meaningless unless there are actions to go with it.