How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

GobbledyGook

rumncoke wrote: »

& this is exactly why I posted. I know DIL is insecure regarding her parenting due to her background & I am always quick to praise, especially with his eating he will eat just about anything put in front of him & eats far more healtily than mine ever did. She has always admired our close family relationship with DS & DD, something she never had, and with no family of her own to support her it is a very fine line between offering support & what can be seen as interferring.

1 poster (can't remember who) made it sound as though I sit on the sofa eye rolling & tutting at everything. This couldn't be further from the truth. As for worrying about mess & our carpets, well apart from kitchen/bathroom very little housework has been done here for 2 weeks. The time for a tidy house again is after they have gone home and this will always be the case.

DS & DIL do have different standards on tidiness but I would never dream of tidying at theirs unless asked, & thanks to some other posters now feel more reassured that GS is not as behind as I may have thought. & yes I was comparing to how ours were at the same age.

So time to keep quiet from now on unless specifically asked.

That's so easy to do! I was guilty of that with my DD2. I was in a real pickle sometimes because she was so 'behind' DD1. I have a friend who is really quite outspoken and is older than me. She, quite bluntly, took me aside one day and pointed out the fact that her teens were all at Uni, then she told me how they were all 'behind' each other at various points and told me to stop stressing.

I huffed for about a day and then realised DD2 was 'ahead' of DD1 in several areas and realised she was right :rotfl:

It's lovely that you care about your DGS so much though. I'd love to have the support of someone who actually asked for opinions before wading in.

duchy

Ouch Beka

You've more patience than me-I'd have told her to sling her hook !!!
(and your the only one on this thread who knows I actually would LOL)

Morglin

rumncoke wrote: »

Got a just 4 year old GS who is generally very well behaved but is at least 12 months behind where he should be. No development issues just tended to be babied by mom & dad. Nursery are pleased with his progress over the last few months but at home reverts to baby ways. Still regularly wets himself, drinks from a lidded childrens sports type bottle, they had never thought that he would drink from a beaker at nursery, but had no problems here over the last week.

The last week has been difficult for me (down with us for Christmas until next Friday, live over 100 miles away) as I have not been 100% well. DS & DIL went shopping before Christmas & he was fine with us, much more like a 4 year old. DH has said to leave them to it, they are his parents & will have to deal with the consequences. I know he is right but it is so hard not to say anything.

DIL does struggle with depression & anxiety so any comments can be seen as critisism when they are meant to be helpful. In the past I have suggested speaking to health visitor/nursery for advice but not gone down well. DS will back DIL all the way (as he should) so having a word with him on his own is again seen as critisism of DIL.

How have other grandparents dealt with similar issues?

It is difficult, but it is a case of zipping your lips, biting your tongue and just not interfering.

He will grow up, and although it might not be the way you did it (or me, so I sympathise!) it really isn't worth the strife that may be caused if you interfere.

The school will refer him to agencies if they think there is a big problem.

Lin

Carmina-Piranha_2

Schools refer children who are 'behind'. My youngest was referred in year one (he was 5) and they are keeping an eye on his friend who shows signs of dyslexia.

By September (when I assume he starts school?) he might have grown out of the things you worry about though. Mine started nursery wearing a pull-up and by christmas he was out of them, and didn't have any problems by the time he went to school (it's not unusual for reception children to have the occasional accident anyway, no matter how well trained they are - he had one accident during the reception year, but so did a large number of his older, more mature friends).

He gradually grew away from being my 'baby' and wanted to be like his friends but to be honest it didn't happen before he went to school. He saw friends being more independent at nursery but it didn't seem to occur to him that he could do the same! He decided while in reception that he would learn to ride a bike, and he did.

Now he is 9 and shows no signs of being babied by me. He keeps asking if he can walk to school on his own, and he says that on the days I finish work not long after he comes out of school that I should give him a key! He would be on his own for less than an hour, but I still think 9 is a bit young. From a mummy's boy at 4, he's okay now. He went away with school for a week when he was a young 8. Hopefully your GS will be the same

mumps

fawd1 wrote: »

Actually it could well be. Not the wetting himself obviously, but if he is consistently babied by his parents and not expected to do anything which might stretch him then frankly, yes, he'll struggle as an adult when mummy and daddy aren't there to help him out. Parents that baby their children too much end up being the parents that call the boss to say their child is sick when he's 25 years old. Not a good look for an adult.

Well you couldn't be more wrong with my youngest. I did baby him, he was the last and I enjoyed it. He was barely put down till he was three, breastfed till he was three. He is the most organised, independent young man you could wish to meet. As I said earlier he got a first a few months ago from a good university, started work in his chosen career and has just been offered promotion. He graduated with money in the bank having worked during university. He definitely doesn't struggle with doing things for himself.

notanewuser

mumps wrote: »

Well you couldn't be more wrong with my youngest. I did baby him, he was the last and I enjoyed it. He was barely put down till he was three, breastfed till he was three. He is the most organised, independent young man you could wish to meet. As I said earlier he got a first a few months ago from a good university, started work in his chosen career and has just been offered promotion. He graduated with money in the bank having worked during university. He definitely doesn't struggle with doing things for himself.

And that's exactky the point. The "Victorian" approach of making baby fit into an adult-friendly routine and the insistence that they develop "independence" as quickly as possible leads to unhappy, disconnected children who grow into dysfunctional adults (generally). Actually parenting with the child's needs at the forefront gives them a confidence that enables them to go much farther and be much happier in the process. Don't we all wish for our kids to be happy?

Mojisola

mumps wrote: »

Well you couldn't be more wrong with my youngest. I did baby him, he was the last and I enjoyed it. He was barely put down till he was three, breastfed till he was three. He is the most organised, independent young man you could wish to meet. As I said earlier he got a first a few months ago from a good university, started work in his chosen career and has just been offered promotion. He graduated with money in the bank having worked during university. He definitely doesn't struggle with doing things for himself.

At some point you must have allowed him to become independent and that can be much easier for children who feel very secure.

It's the parents who never cut the apron strings that damage their children and make them unable to cope with life on their own.

mumps

Mojisola wrote: »

At some point you must have allowed him to become independent and that can be much easier for children who feel very secure.

It's the parents who never cut the apron strings that damage their children and make them unable to cope with life on their own.

Well if I hadn't allowed him he would have just done it anyway. He is very confident, as Notanewuser says children who are leading the process are very confident.

I never cut the apron strings, they just gradually got longer and looser. He lives over 200 miles away but we are still very close and he is really good about keeping in touch. He also tells me his plans but they are very much his plans and I don't think he has had much advice, or needed it, since he was in his early teens.

I never was a Victorian style parent but by baby number 4 and with two grown up children I had the confidence to completely follow my own instincts. If I could do it all again I would be more relaxed with the first two, although some people on here would think I was too relaxed with them.

Mojisola

mumps wrote: »

Well if I hadn't allowed him he would have just done it anyway. He is very confident, as Notanewuser says children who are leading the process are very confident.

I never cut the apron strings, they just gradually got longer and looser.

Totally agree about the confidence - a very secure child will feel able to move out into the world.

I was very surprised when my son came back from uni open days saying how many other prospective students were being lead around by their parents who were telling them "You won't like it here" or "This might be the best place for you".

There's quite a few parents now who just can't let their children lead their own lives and make their own decisions.

Soleil_lune

mumps wrote: »

Well you couldn't be more wrong with my youngest. I did baby him, he was the last and I enjoyed it. He was barely put down till he was three, breastfed till he was three. He is the most organised, independent young man you could wish to meet. As I said earlier he got a first a few months ago from a good university, started work in his chosen career and has just been offered promotion. He graduated with money in the bank having worked during university. He definitely doesn't struggle with doing things for himself.

Mojisola wrote: »

At some point you must have allowed him to become independent and that can be much easier for children who feel very secure.

It's the parents who never cut the apron strings that damage their children and make them unable to cope with life on their own.

Mojisola wrote: »

Totally agree about the confidence - a very secure child will feel able to move out into the world.

I was very surprised when my son came back from uni open days saying how many other prospective students were being lead around by their parents who were telling them "You won't like it here" or "This might be the best place for you".

There's quite a few parents now who just can't let their children lead their own lives and make their own decisions.

Great posts! :T

I think the most happy and secure and confident and independent children, are the ones who got bundles of love and affection as children, and were 'mollycoddled' as babies and toddlers, and whose parents were always there for them, and interacted a lot with them.

The ones who are starved of affection and love and are borderline neglected, are the ones who will never leave home, and will be clingy and whiney. And if they 'do' leave home, they move five minutes walk away, never go to university, never travel abroad (unless it's with mommy,) and rarely achieve much in their lives.

(I'm basing this on people I know.)