How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

rumncoke

Got a just 4 year old GS who is generally very well behaved but is at least 12 months behind where he should be. No development issues just tended to be babied by mom & dad. Nursery are pleased with his progress over the last few months but at home reverts to baby ways. Still regularly wets himself, drinks from a lidded childrens sports type bottle, they had never thought that he would drink from a beaker at nursery, but had no problems here over the last week.

The last week has been difficult for me (down with us for Christmas until next Friday, live over 100 miles away) as I have not been 100% well. DS & DIL went shopping before Christmas & he was fine with us, much more like a 4 year old. DH has said to leave them to it, they are his parents & will have to deal with the consequences. I know he is right but it is so hard not to say anything.

DIL does struggle with depression & anxiety so any comments can be seen as critisism when they are meant to be helpful. In the past I have suggested speaking to health visitor/nursery for advice but not gone down well. DS will back DIL all the way (as he should) so having a word with him on his own is again seen as critisism of DIL.

How have other grandparents dealt with similar issues?

Better_Days

I'm not a grandparent but an aunt. I think my brother and SIL left it very late to toilet train their youngest, but at the end of the day there didn't appear to be any harm done (nephew came on quickly when he went to nursery then school).

Your issue seems to be more around the style of parenting and that Mum 'babies' the child. But if there are no developmental delays I'd leave well alone. As your GS spends more time with his peers at nursery and then primary school he will see what the 'big boys' do and it is likely that he will catch up.

Styles of parenting vary enormously and there is not always a 'right' or 'wrong' way, just different approaches. You don't mention whether or not your GS is happy, emotionally secure and confident. This is in my view much more important than what cup he uses or whether or not he wets himself.

I think your DIL especially needs your support. As long as your GS is happy and there are no developmental delays, then you need to respect your son's and DIL's parenting style.

elsien

I'm with your OH on this one, keep your advice to yourself unless it is asked for.
Similar situation with my mum and a sibling. Mother as a child care professional had the best intentions but whatever she said was taken as criticism, however she said it. To the point where they didn't want her to go and stay any more.
Grand child now needs professional help for various reasons, but this has made DIL more sensitive than before, so Bro warned me to tell mum not to say anything as soon as we arrived. They prefer to get their support elsewhere, which is their prerogative.

FBaby

Please please don't get involved. You know that he is like this only with his parents and fine with everyone else, so what does it matter? He will adjust accordingly and the chance are high that he will be absolutely fine.

The chances of you ruining your relationship with son is DIL however is very high if you say something.

It would be slightly different if you sow him every day, but you don't, so don't interfere. It's a blessing you came here to ask advice first.

bouicca21

Sadly I am not a grandparent, but I hope if and when it happens I can keep my mouth shut, unless asked.

However a child of 4 who is still wetting himself might be a cause for concern. Too excited to go to the toilet will sort itself out. But there is research that suggests that bed wetting is often attributable to low level urinary infection. If that's the situation it needs checking out.

mgdavid

where do today's parents get their ideas, information and knowledge about parenting from, if the older, wiser grandparents don't pass it on?

LilElvis

rumncoke wrote: »

Got a just 4 year old GS who is generally very well behaved but is at least 12 months behind where he should be. No development issues just tended to be babied by mom & dad. Nursery are pleased with his progress over the last few months but at home reverts to baby ways. Still regularly wets himself, drinks from a lidded childrens sports type bottle, they had never thought that he would drink from a beaker at nursery, but had no problems here over the last week.

The last week has been difficult for me (down with us for Christmas until next Friday, live over 100 miles away) as I have not been 100% well. DS & DIL went shopping before Christmas & he was fine with us, much more like a 4 year old. DH has said to leave them to it, they are his parents & will have to deal with the consequences. I know he is right but it is so hard not to say anything.

DIL does struggle with depression & anxiety so any comments can be seen as critisism when they are meant to be helpful. In the past I have suggested speaking to health visitor/nursery for advice but not gone down well. DS will back DIL all the way (as he should) so having a word with him on his own is again seen as critisism of DIL.

How have other grandparents dealt with similar issues?

Sorry, but, based on what you have written here, the only person with a problem is you.

You say that he is a year behind where he should be but then in the following sentence you contradict yourself by saying that he has no issues with his development. In what way is he "behind"? Using a sports bottle and having the occasional toilet accident hardly counts.

Children at this age do have the odd accident, often when they are engrossed in an activity, and there is only likely to be a medical cause if it occurs with great frequency. Friends with boys seem to have had a greater incidence of accidents than those with girls.

What is wrong with having a sports bottle to drink from at home if he is also capable of drinking from a regular cup? My 4 year old has a cup for her mealtime drinks but the rest of the day she has a sports style bottle for her water. It's far more practical as she carts it round with her from room to room and is what they are required to take to school for their water.

Please don't say anything to the parents as these are absolutely trifling issues.

good_advice

It is not easy is it? Learn to be thankful of having a family and not give your opinion unless asked for.

hawk30

mgdavid wrote: »

where do today's parents get their ideas, information and knowledge about parenting from, if the older, wiser grandparents don't pass it on?

Health visitors, parenting websites, parenting books, baby groups, surestart centres, etc.

Many grandparents offer outdated advice which in some cases is, frankly, dangerous. (e.g. My MIL said she put cereal in DH's bottle, which is a choking hazard and shouldn't be done unless advised by a medical professional.)

Lily-Rose_3

elsien wrote: »

I'm with your OH on this one, keep your advice to yourself unless it is asked for.
Similar situation with my mum and a sibling. Mother as a child care professional had the best intentions but whatever she said was taken as criticism, however she said it. To the point where they didn't want her to go and stay any more.

FBaby wrote: »

Please please don't get involved. You know that he is like this only with his parents and fine with everyone else, so what does it matter? He will adjust accordingly and the chance are high that he will be absolutely fine.

The chances of you ruining your relationship with son is DIL however is very high if you say something.

It would be slightly different if you saw him every day, but you don't, so don't interfere. It's a blessing you came here to ask advice first.

^^^ :T

I have to say, just DON'T interfere with the upbringing of your grandchild. Please. Some women feel insecure enough as it is, without someone telling them they're raising their child 'incorrectly.' Also, they're often tired and weary, and responsible for most of the childcare, and sometimes holding down a job and nursing elderly parents.

That said, mothers generally know what they are doing, and know what is best for their child (and this extends to fathers in most cases.)

It's a stressful enough life as it is, being a mother (particularly a working one,) so the last thing they need is 'tips' from well-meaning grandparents or relatives or whatever, who think they know best.

Nobody knows a person's child better than the parents, and it's unfair and a bit arrogant, for a grandparent to assume that they know how to raise the child better than its parents. No two situations are the same, every child is unique, and in many cases, mothers of young children these days have much more on their plate than they did say pre 1970s. So it's unfair to judge.

I have yet to meet any mother who has done any great harm to their child with the way they raised them, and the vast majority of mothers know what they're doing.

Only give help and advice if you are ASKED.

trailingspouse

My grandaughter is actually the child of my step-daughter, so potential mine-fields as far as the eye can see.

I make it a rule not to say anything unless it's positive. Occasionally my advice is asked for, (two kids of my own, plus I was a Nursery Teacher for a while) - but even then I'm careful to preface everything with 'I'm probably about 20 years out of date, but in my day we did XYZ'.

Childcare has changed immensely since us grandparents had out kids. Apart from anything else, there is a wealth of knowledge and advice online which wasn't available to us (looking back, life would have been much easier if it had been!!). Also - think back to when you had your kids - did you really want advice from your own well-meaning mother? I know I didn't!!