How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

Carmina-Piranha_2

Looking back, although it's my parenting style and I did things pretty much the same with both children, with my first baby my having depression did affect things, and sometimes I would avoid trying to teach him something I knew he would find difficult and stressful, to avoid upsetting him.

It was slightly different for us because I knew he would be statemented for special needs and would have a one to one helper there for things like opening packets and drinks, so I didn't have to work to the timescale of getting him independent for school.

I hope the mum has somebody she can talk to who has the right attitude to help her feel good about what's she's doing and her ability to make small changes. My health visitor's attitude did me no good at all, and it was actually a lovely speech therapist who would give me advice about things like toilet training.

dizziblonde

To be honest mine would be probably drinking from a sports bottle and not an open cup at someone else's house (particularly someone I knew to be a bit judgy about what I was doing) - just to minimise the spill factor... while my own carpets are a lost cause and my sofa's buried under throws - other people are more house proud than I am (I'm not a total slob - the carpets need replacing anyway but I'm hanging on till both kids are way past the potty training stage just for common sense's sake).

duchy

Poppie68 wrote: »

Now I'm a Granny to a beautiful 20 month old little girl....my daughter, her mum is 23. We have had the agreement from day one that advice will be asked if needed and no promises made to heed that advice, I simply agreed to keep stum, surprisingly I do.... To be honest though she hasn't needed much help or advice as she is truly an amazing mummy and understands mistakes are made and lessons learnt....

.

I think there's a difference though between advising your daughter and advising your daughter in law !!!!

One knows exactly how to take you .......the otjher usually has a Mum of her own and there's no blood tie. It makes a difference to how "advice" is received !

fawd1

theoretica wrote: »

Is any of this likely to be still affecting his life by the time he goes off to University?

Actually it could well be. Not the wetting himself obviously, but if he is consistently babied by his parents and not expected to do anything which might stretch him then frankly, yes, he'll struggle as an adult when mummy and daddy aren't there to help him out. Parents that baby their children too much end up being the parents that call the boss to say their child is sick when he's 25 years old. Not a good look for an adult.

System

My daughters approach to parenting is very similar to the way she was bought up. I found myself giving my older daughter toilet training advice last night via messaging (she's in South Africa). She asked so I advised her. She is very new to parenting. The little boy she has adopted is 3 and he is her first child.

Carmina-Piranha_2

The only unwanted advice I can remember being given was about sign language (MIL thought it was hampering his speech development). I didn't just ignore her advice though, I did some research.

My mum and MIL think a lot of the 'new fangled' ideas about baby care are nonsense, but then so do a lot of younger people too. If we had a thread about parenting styles you'd see people of the same generation with views that are poles apart.

GobbledyGook

rumncoke wrote: »

Didn't get chance to get back on here yesterday but just read all the replys. I think I knew the answer would be a resounding butt out, but as a few have pointed out it is hard.

I do have an issue with some of their parenting choices I will not deny that. GS is a happy little boy but does tend to act differently when mom & dad are around. Reasons I say he is behind, speech is coming on but is still not always clear, toilet training is actually potty which causes issues when out & DIL will put pull ups on him, which I feel is causing the delay in him being totally dry. It is reassuring though that he hasn't had any accidents at nursery for several weeks now.

They went out for a few hours yesterday & we had a lovely time taking him to the park & then playing with him with his new toys. At home he doesn't get much 1 on 1 quality time even though mom is a SAHM - spends a lot of time on laptop. (Although this seems quite common now from talking to friends with grandchildren)

They do sometimes ask for advice & I do try to point them in the direction of nursery as their advice is more up to date, especially as they see him all the time, whereas our contact is usually just the odd weekend at their house. This is the 1st time for several months he has been here for an extended period

Just need to do more tongue biting & leave them to get on with it.

Just to add DIL has no contact with own mother (bad childhood reason for depression) & contact with dad is only by phone due to being on different continent. The more we have discovered about her background over the last few years the more supportive we have been & I know she does value this.

All children behave different around their parents in my experience. Be that at Grandparents homes, in school or wherever.

The fact he acts more babyish around them is not an issue at his young age. Yes if he was much older it would be, but the fact nursery have no issues with him shows that he has achieved his milestones. Many people behave younger with their parents - in fact I know one grown man who reverts to being a big kid around his mother because she adores making him sandwiches, fetching him drinks etc - but it doesn't impact his job at all!

I wasn't going to comment on this thread until you mentioned your DIL's past. It's even more important, imo, not to raise unnecessary worries for her. If she had a poor childhood she's probably already worrying more than the average mother about getting it right. If she was treated poorly it's also understandable to me (I had an awful young childhood, had to be brought up by grandparents due to parents, no contact with them for many, many years until around their deaths (mother when I was a teen, father more recently)) that she would be over-protective.

I didn't/haven't/won't get everything correct with my children and I know for a fact my grandmother spent a lot of time biting her tongue about decisions I made - home birth, breastfeeding on demand, blw, co-sleeping etc. One thing I will always, always, always be grateful for is that she had the belief that she had done things her way with her children and I should be allowed to do things my way with mine. My DD1 is now a happy, well adjusted, bright little girl of 11 who sleeps, eats, toilets, reads and puts on her coat like a child of her age should, despite the fact I did it a different way. Give your DIL the chance to do things her way and please, please only ever interfere if your DGS is in danger (as my grandparents did).

Also many people toilet train by using pull ups when out and about, it's not unusual and isn't likely to see him carrying a potty around when he's 10.

Out of curiosity where do you get the 12 months behind thing from? If the nursery have no concerns is that your own belief? Comparing him to another child/his father at a similar age?

RebekahR

Ok I am going to tell you how it feel from the other side of the fence.
I am currently having this issue with my motherinlaw. I have read your posts and
I am trying to comprehend and put myself in your shoes. I know how strongly I feel
about the way I parent and I know that it sometimes kills me inside when I can see
other mums/family/friends parenting different and thinking they are doing it wrong!
It's human nature! However I have learnt thus:

1 - There is more than 1 way to get from A to B
2 - Parenting is a like a religion! Again so many and each one thinks they are right!

The thing is what they are doing IS RIGHT to them. They have to learn their own way
but you know this already. You know what big pat on the back for you for even asking
for help on this tbh! That shows you are a good mother in law and care. Rather htan go
steaming in and create a big mess like my MIL.

Before I had baby 1 my mother in law always disagreed with me. She likes perfection
tiniest spec of dust on the floor and she will pick it up - so if my home was messy or unclean
she would rip through the lot and clean it herself.Even the one time I spent cleaning from top to
bottom before she came and then she did it all again I said never again! But I bet a lot
of mother in laws do that - it gets worse - she threw things away - oh you dont need this you dont need
that if we said no we want to keep it you can bet bottom dollar when she had gone home we would find it in the bin!
She had no concept of boundaries at all. I hated her for this and this is where our relationship went down hill.
Add to that if she did any gardening she would cut bushes - pull out flowers - incluing seedlings and small plants
Again if I said no she went against it. The old bat knew better than me and I felt
demoralised.
I thought she was ok before that I never really loved her due to her strong nature but she was ok in small doses.

Fast forward to having my baby - the 1st time she came to stay she had admitted that she had taken the 4 week olf baby
to the kitchen and put sugar on a bottle teat and given to becaues seh was hungry and it is what they used to do when
she had her baby! She kept telling me I didnt have enough milk (breastfeeding) and I needed to give her a bottle.
She didnt understand how breastfeeding worked - supply and demand - the more baby sucks and asks for milk the more your
body produces. Formula babies can feed and go 4 hours before hte next bottle - breastfeed feed smaller amounts and more often.

6 weeks old - baby wont sleep - leave her to cry - so the most stupid thing I ever did was listen to her - I left my tiny new
born screaming for 20 minutes in her moses basket because leaving htem to cry is good for them That is not how I wanted to parent
and again I lost more confidence in tryust in her. When she later admitted she couldnt remember when she let hubby cry whether it was later
or not.

Move to weaning - she kept telling me what food to give -dont do this -dont do that- she wanted to feed baby 5 months some apple because she was
hungry - we caught her giving the baby a big chunk of apple "to suck on". She hadnt started weaning yet and was perfectly happy with the breast!
It was a month later she took great interest in food So again I lost more trust in the old bat for not listening to our no to not feed her. Every single time she has done this tons since - even if I say no I can look round the door and see her doing hte opposite. I let rip - I shout - I talk nice and explain why
I even tel her she is not her child - she just never ever listens. She wants DD to go and stay with her - no way she is having her alone - I have lost all trust in her. And that is ruddy sad because my family want next to nothing to do with us - we rarely see them. I know she means well etc etc but each time she
goes above and over what I say it chips away at my confidence more. Im not good enough - she knows better - I hate her for not respecting my decisions - hell even listening to what I am saying withut trying to justify herself. I jsut give up - I tell her now do what you want after all its your child - then she says
no shes not - so I say exactly thats the point but we get no where. I dont want to see her but I have to for DDs relationship with her. Its sad ruddy sad.
I dont think you are any where near as bad as mine! But If a little part of it can help you somehow to see how it feels. Its hard both ways I know for show
when she hs kiddies it will kill me if she follows screaming it out etc etc. I dont know how I will cope. Just try and remember how it felt I guess!

Again well done for asking out before jumping in though. And good luck holding your tongue. I hope somehow you can get some peace. Maybe try and view/list what they are doing right? And see if what you think is wrong is really that bad/detrememntal to the child?

Sorry for the long post I kinda let off steam a bit with it too but wanted to put the full feeling in for you. xx

notanewuser

Rebekah, why are you letting this woman do this to you? Shut her out!

rumncoke

RebekahR wrote: »

The thing is what they are doing IS RIGHT to them. They have to learn their own way
but you know this already. You know what big pat on the back for you for even asking
for help on this tbh! That shows you are a good mother in law and care. Rather htan go
steaming in and create a big mess like my MIL.

& this is exactly why I posted. I know DIL is insecure regarding her parenting due to her background & I am always quick to praise, especially with his eating he will eat just about anything put in front of him & eats far more healtily than mine ever did. She has always admired our close family relationship with DS & DD, something she never had, and with no family of her own to support her it is a very fine line between offering support & what can be seen as interferring.

1 poster (can't remember who) made it sound as though I sit on the sofa eye rolling & tutting at everything. This couldn't be further from the truth. As for worrying about mess & our carpets, well apart from kitchen/bathroom very little housework has been done here for 2 weeks. The time for a tidy house again is after they have gone home and this will always be the case.

DS & DIL do have different standards on tidiness but I would never dream of tidying at theirs unless asked, & thanks to some other posters now feel more reassured that GS is not as behind as I may have thought. & yes I was comparing to how ours were at the same age.

So time to keep quiet from now on unless specifically asked.