How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

FBaby

Totally agree about the confidence - a very secure child will feel able to move out into the world.

I think it is the other way around, it is self-confidence that brings in a sense of security. I also think that a sense of confidence is something that you are born with. My DD was a born confident. She was happy with anyone picking her up, she had no qualms taking her first steps at 9 months old, and ever since I can remember, she believed in her capability. She is naturally positively minded, always looking into the future. My DS was the exact opposite, born insecure. It took a lot of work with him to bring on a sense of confidence. As it is a self-fulfilling prothecy, he has become quite a confident child, but there are always insecurities resurging at times. It's become clear from a very young age that the best I could do for my son was to push him to try things as his instinct would be to shy away, but pushing him showed him what he was capable of. Pushing my DD is the absolute worse thing I could do as she knows her limits, pushes them herself all the time, and pushing her beyond is what would bring on anxiety.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Totally agree about the confidence - a very secure child will feel able to move out into the world.

I was very surprised when my son came back from uni open days saying how many other prospective students were being lead around by their parents who were telling them "You won't like it here" or "This might be the Most Unexceptional place for you".

There's quite a few parents now who just can't let their children lead their own lives and make their own decisions.

Yikes, I didn't even invite my parents to university open days :eek:

EDIT - come to think of it, I didn't go to my son's college interview either. I asked him and he said he'd prefer to go on his own. Even though he was under 18 it wasn't expected that parents would attend the interview, although they were welcome to. I had looked at the prospectus and discussed courses with him, so I knew he didn't need my advice.

pollypenny

When my two were applying for university courses no parents attended open days/ interviews.

It was expected that students were mature enough to make decisions without their hands being held.

Jagraf

There is generally no right or wrong way to bring up children I don't think, we all do it differently and mostly successfully.

Which is why nothing should be said.

However, if my mum or my mum in law was kind enough to offer support with any form of child care, I didn't then place my demands on them, they were left to do it their way and I respected this. Too many parents ask for help and then place rules around grandparents, which I think is a bit of a cheek.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Yes, children soon get used to different rules in different settings. But with a small baby I would say that they shouldn't disrupt an existing routine by much. For example, both of my babies were picked up when they cried. I know a lot of people are against this, but I felt strongly about it and simply would not have left them if I thought grandparents would leave them to cry when they were expecting to be picked up.

Jagraf

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

Yes, children soon get used to different rules in different settings. But with a small baby I would say that they shouldn't disrupt an existing routine by much. For example, both of my babies were picked up when they cried. I know a lot of people are against this, but I felt strongly about it and simply would not have left them if I thought grandparents would leave them to cry when they were expecting to be picked up.

I agree a small baby is different.

notanewuser

My BIL's girlfriend inflicted a very very strict routine on their little boy from 2 weeks old. At 8 weeks they were house hunting, and we were up there visiting. They brought baby into my other BIL and SIL's house at about 12:10pm. She took him straight upstairs, I assumed for a feed. She came back down 5 mins later, handed me (my) baby monitor and said "don't go to him unless he really screams. It's naptime." as they both walked out of the door. He was already crying. Every cell of my being was screaming against it, but I didn't want to undermine baby's parents' wishes. I left the monitor and went into another room where I couldn't hear it so well.

There were 3 adults in the room with the monitor. It was DH who broke first - less than 5 mins later - and went and got him. Poor little lad had a hernia and the screaming was making it hurt more, so he would cry harder. He'd basically been swaddled and abandoned. DH brought him down, calmed him, rocked him and was prepared to defend his decision when they eventually returned. To say baby's mum was displeased was an understatement, but his brother was very grateful.

It's so hard sometimes.

Carmina-Piranha_2

notanewuser wrote: »

My BIL's girlfriend inflicted a very very strict routine on their little boy from 2 weeks old. At 8 weeks they were house hunting, and we were up there visiting. They brought baby into my other BIL and SIL's house at about 12:10pm. She took him straight upstairs, I assumed for a feed. She came back down 5 mins later, handed me (my) baby monitor and said "don't go to him unless he really screams. It's naptime." as they both walked out of the door. He was already crying. Every cell of my being was screaming against it, but I didn't want to undermine baby's parents' wishes. I left the monitor and went into another room where I couldn't hear it so well.

There were 3 adults in the room with the monitor. It was DH who broke first - less than 5 mins later - and went and got him. Poor little lad had a hernia and the screaming was making it hurt more, so he would cry harder. He'd basically been swaddled and abandoned. DH brought him down, calmed him, rocked him and was prepared to defend his decision when they eventually returned. To say baby's mum was displeased was an understatement, but his brother was very grateful.

It's so hard sometimes.

Oh, I would find that so hard On the other hand I suppose picking up the baby might make it cry longer next time in hopes that it would be picked up - but in reality there's no way I could stand by and let it cry.

An NCT book that I read during pregnancy suggested not using those techniques when the baby is under six months, if at all.

Op's grandson at 4 though would probably cope easily with the idea that you use a different type of cup at granny's house.

Soleil_lune

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

Yes, children soon get used to different rules in different settings. But with a small baby I would say that they shouldn't disrupt an existing routine by much. For example, both of my babies were picked up when they cried. I know a lot of people are against this, but I felt strongly about it and simply would not have left them if I thought grandparents would leave them to cry when they were expecting to be picked up.

Couldn't agree more. I would never leave a baby crying. A baby does not cry for no reason.

Imagine being this helpless tiny little bundle of fluff who can't feed itself, can't walk, can't get water, can barely sit up straight, (if at all,) and you're sitting alone in the dark; hungry, or in pain, or cold, or lonely, or scared, and you cry for someone to come to you, and nobody comes.

IMO, that is a perfect recipe to make a very insecure, needy, clingy child, (and then adult!)

I can't believe people used to leave babies to cry.

I further can't believe that people still do.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Couldn't agree more. I would never leave a baby crying. A baby does not cry for no reason.

Imagine being this helpless tiny little bundle of fluff who can't feed itself, can't walk, can't get water, can barely sit up straight, (if at all,) and you're sitting alone in the dark; hungry, or in pain, or cold, or lonely, or scared, and you cry for someone to come to you, and nobody comes.

IMO, that is a perfect recipe to make a very insecure, needy, clingy child, (and then adult!)

I can't believe people used to leave babies to cry.

I further can't believe that people still do.

I am told that knowing nobody will come makes the child independent because they don't rely on others.

Maybe it depends on the child in the first place, some are more clingy than others.

The theory in the book I read was that if you let them cling and be held as much as they want, they feel secure enough to eventually leave your side. Yet both of mine continued to cling, forever, lol. Not really forever, but by the age of say 7 they would be the only ones running out of school for a cuddle. My youngest still strokes my arm at the age of 9, and complained when I had a physical job last year that my arms weren't as nice when they were less podgy :rotfl:

With eldest, he and another boy were frightened at birthday parties and would sit on parents knees. The other boy's parents said that if he didn't stop doing it by the age of 5 they wouldn't take him to parties any more. He was still insecure, so they stopped and he didn't go to a birthday party again during primary school. He was the only child to stay behind during a week away in year 4 (age 8 to 9) and he even cried and had to be physically put onto the coach for day trips at school, and even the swimming lessons in year 3. He didn't go on the week away in year 6 either. He's now at college and isn't insecure any more, I don't know what he was like at high school because he and my son didn't go to the same one.

My eldest started getting off my knee when he was about 5 and a half, and I think that knowing that he could come back and cling if he felt like it made it easier for him to leave my side.

They are both fine at age 18, but doing things my way suited me best, whereas the other way suited the other boy's parents. Both grew up okay eventually.