How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

RebekahR

A baby cries for its needs be it - wet nappy - tierd but doesnt yet know how to sleep alone - need feeding - or even just simply feeling upset and in need of a reassurance cuddle. It is our job as parents to meet all of these needs not select needs. Oh you fed clean etc leave you to cry - no you also are feeling upset nad need a cuddle. We dont leave the when they hurt themselves during the day which is another need for comfort so why leave them in the dead of night?

"
No one truly knows how crying it out affects a baby. After all, one cannot raise a baby twice and note the difference. And no one really knows how a baby feels when he is left to cry it out. Jean Liedloff presents a likely perception in her volume on anthropology, The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost (Addison-Wesley, 1977.) Here, she describes a baby waking in the middle of the night:
“He awakes in a mindless terror of the silence, the motionlessness. He screams. He is afire from head to foot with want, with desire, with intolerable impatience. He gasps for breath and screams until his head is filled and throbbing with the sound. He screams until his chest aches, until his throat is sore. He can bear the pain no more and his sobs weaken and subside. He listens. He opens and closes his fists. He rolls his head from side to side. Nothing helps. It is unbearable. He begins to cry again, but it is too much for his strained throat; he soon stops. He waves his hands and kicks his feet. He stops, able to suffer, unable to think, unable to hope. Then he falls asleep again.”



Know one knows if that is how a baby really suffers but why take the risk? There are ways to put a child to sleep besides the scream it out method - there are slower gentler ways. Yes they are slow and its more work for the parents but again thats our job.

somethingcorporate

Not read all the replies but from the parent with the interferring busybody in-laws please keep your opinions to yourself.

My in-laws have not learnt their lesson and as a result will be seeing their granddaughter far less this year because they cannot stop interferring and thinking they would do things better.

They had their chance as parents and now it is ours.

Carmina-Piranha_2

notanewuser wrote: »

I was a 70s baby and was constantly held, fed on demand etc. as was my 1950s born mum.

That's lovely

My grandad was grumpy and wasn't keen on children. He dried out when his youngest child was five, and things changed from then. He was a loving grandad, but probably influenced my gran to leave the children to cry when his own children were babies. And back then with no contraception and no household appliances she would have had more children, and less spare time than I did. She fetched water from a well!

She was talking to me once about my not making breastmilk for my firstborn, and telling me it was like that for her with her first too (we both had pre-eclampsia). My mum had pre-eclampsia with me too but I was bottle fed in the hospital and mum carried on. I don't know if there is a link between pre-eclampsia and not making milk, but the thought of my uncle as a baby being left to cry at the bottom of the garden when he was hungry made me so sad. He was passed around breastfeeding neighbours, but he always remained very angry. My Gran by then was cuddly with all of her Grandchildren, much more so than she'd been with her own children. She said she'd wished she could have bought formula but she still didn't regret leaving him to cry because he was such an angry baby. Poor thing!

dizziblonde

I think personality is a lot to do with it - my eldest has always always always been a very independent little creature - would never settle to sleep being held, needed to lie quietly in her own space knowing you were close at hand but not fussing over her, and is still a very very independent little toddler - she started preschool with a quick kiss and off she went, no wibbles or wobbles or anything.

Her sister, raised in a very similar way (I didn't put her in slings like her sister as she flipped out with her lower body being restricted by one)... totally different character - very very much a "clingier" type of personality. Can't see her adjusting to starting preschool in September in quite the same way (she's registered to make sure she's got a place and I think having her sister there will mean she's ok but I don't see her waltzing in and announcing to the room "hello I'm X" like her sister did and if she doesn't settle I'll withdraw her). Even when she's bumbling around playing she'll wander by every five minutes for a quick cuddle top-up.

I just roll with the type of personality they are... my eldest needs to have someone to chatter to constantly, my youngest needs to have cuddles on tap - I think my own issues aren't to do with how I was raised not fitting into any grand parenting master-plan or label - but with my mum deciding she didn't like my personality quirks and trying to stamp them out rather than working with them.

candygirl

I am very hands on with my DGD 5, and DGS 3.They are both fine developmentally, but I find the new guidelines for potty training very lax, in comparison to when it was common to have kids fully trained by two:eek:
DGS has stayed overnight, n is currently strutting round in pink high heels eating jaffa cakes:rotfl:
It is hard not to give constant advice to DD, but I don't unless she asks for it x

Morglin

Advice changes - when I had my kids, in the 70's, the general advice was to leave them a while to cry, but now the advice is different.

No doubt, in five years, the advice will change again.

I think the best advice is that parents follow their own instincts and ignore the rest!

But, as a granny, I just raise my eyes heavenwards at times, but keep quiet.

Lin

Morglin

somethingcorporate wrote: »

Not read all the replies but from the parent with the interferring busybody in-laws please keep your opinions to yourself.

My in-laws have not learnt their lesson and as a result will be seeing their granddaughter far less this year because they cannot stop interferring and thinking they would do things better.

They had their chance as parents and now it is ours.

I get why you are annoyed, but really, kids gain such a lot from grandparents, and vice versa, it would be a shame to curtail it.

Lin

notanewuser

candygirl wrote: »

They are both fine developmentally, but I find the new guidelines for potty training very lax, in comparison to when it was common to have kids fully trained by two:eek:

In what way "lax"? Previous generations of children had an incentive to get dry earlier as the terry nappies were heavy and uncomfortable when wet. Today's disposable nappies are so good that children often don't realise they've been (hence pull-ups rarely being a good idea during potty learning).

There is evidence to suggest that letting the child lead potty learning is more beneficial. We waited for DD who was sorted within a few days of starting. You don't try forcing a baby to walk or talk - why try and force potty learning early? :huh:

candygirl

notanewuser wrote: »

In what way "lax"? Previous generations of children had an incentive to get dry earlier as the terry nappies were heavy and uncomfortable when wet. Today's disposable nappies are so good that children often don't realise they've been (hence pull-ups rarely being a good idea during potty learning).

There is evidence to suggest that letting the child lead potty learning is more beneficial. We waited for DD who was sorted within a few days of starting. You don't try forcing a baby to walk or talk - why try and force potty learning early? :huh:

Lax in that there are 3 kids in my DGD's class, of 5-6 year olds still in nappies at night, despite docs saying there's nothing wrong with them:(

Nicki

candygirl wrote: »

Lax in that there are 3 kids in my DGD's class, of 5-6 year olds still in nappies at night, despite docs saying there's nothing wrong with them:(

There isn't. There isn't considered to be a medical problem if a child is still wetting the bed up to the age of 7. Mine were dry before that though my 5 year old has occasional slips if overtired or upset. Why would you expect a parent to wash bedding every day and for the family to have regular disturbed nights when nappies exist to meet this need?