How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

pollypenny

Yes, I agree. Just bite your tongue.

There is no one correct answer for child-rearing and it's important to be on good terms with a DIL.

rumncoke

Didn't get chance to get back on here yesterday but just read all the replys. I think I knew the answer would be a resounding butt out, but as a few have pointed out it is hard.

I do have an issue with some of their parenting choices I will not deny that. GS is a happy little boy but does tend to act differently when mom & dad are around. Reasons I say he is behind, speech is coming on but is still not always clear, toilet training is actually potty which causes issues when out & DIL will put pull ups on him, which I feel is causing the delay in him being totally dry. It is reassuring though that he hasn't had any accidents at nursery for several weeks now.

They went out for a few hours yesterday & we had a lovely time taking him to the park & then playing with him with his new toys. At home he doesn't get much 1 on 1 quality time even though mom is a SAHM - spends a lot of time on laptop. (Although this seems quite common now from talking to friends with grandchildren)

They do sometimes ask for advice & I do try to point them in the direction of nursery as their advice is more up to date, especially as they see him all the time, whereas our contact is usually just the odd weekend at their house. This is the 1st time for several months he has been here for an extended period

Just need to do more tongue biting & leave them to get on with it.

Just to add DIL has no contact with own mother (bad childhood reason for depression) & contact with dad is only by phone due to being on different continent. The more we have discovered about her background over the last few years the more supportive we have been & I know she does value this.

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

Going to nursery and school will balance any babying that's going on at home.

DD's school are obsessed with it. Her nursery class (full time) has children that only turned 3 in August (DD turned 4 in October). I've heard the parents of some of the younger children being told to "make sure he can open his own fruit pot - he needs to be more independent" or "he should be able to put her own coat on by now". Upsetting for children and parents alike, I'd have thought!

duchy

If he's had no accidents for several weeks at nursery - why on earth are you concerned ? Your home is "unfamiliar territory" in the sense it isn't part of his daily routine so if as you imply he had an accident at yours it is entirely understandable. (or maybe Mum used pullups when you were around as she knew if he had an accident you'd at the least raise an eyebrow and start asking about his toilet training...or maybe she was just more worried about your carpet ). Also whilst establishing toilet training changes in routine like Christmas, with all the different people and enviroments will often lead to accidents as it is all about routines.

You appear to be looking for problems where none exist.

He appears to be within expected milestones -as he's at nursery if there were concerned they'd be raised.

Stop looking for problems and just ENJOY him !!

rumncoke wrote: »

Didn't get chance to get back on here yesterday but just read all the replys. I think I knew the answer would be a resounding butt out, but as a few have pointed out it is hard.

I do have an issue with some of their parenting choices I will not deny that. GS is a happy little boy but does tend to act differently when mom & dad are around. Reasons I say he is behind, speech is coming on but is still not always clear, toilet training is actually potty which causes issues when out & DIL will put pull ups on him, which I feel is causing the delay in him being totally dry. It is reassuring though that he hasn't had any accidents at nursery for several weeks now.

They went out for a few hours yesterday & we had a lovely time taking him to the park & then playing with him with his new toys. At home he doesn't get much 1 on 1 quality time even though mom is a SAHM - spends a lot of time on laptop. (Although this seems quite common now from talking to friends with grandchildren)

They do sometimes ask for advice & I do try to point them in the direction of nursery as their advice is more up to date, especially as they see him all the time, whereas our contact is usually just the odd weekend at their house. This is the 1st time for several months he has been here for an extended period

Just need to do more tongue biting & leave them to get on with it.

Just to add DIL has no contact with own mother (bad childhood reason for depression) & contact with dad is only by phone due to being on different continent. The more we have discovered about her background over the last few years the more supportive we have been & I know she does value this.

FBaby

Reasons I say he is behind, speech is coming on but is still not always clear, toilet training is actually potty which causes issues when out & DIL will put pull ups on him, which I feel is causing the delay in him being totally dry.

Just for a bit of reassurance, both my children were late speaking (couldn't understand a word of what DD said until she was 4 or 5) and both had accidents until they were about 5, DS wetted the bed until he was 5 or 6. Both of them are now teenagers, can't stop talking and thankfully perfectly dry! They are both very academic and registered as gifted and talented. Please don't worry about it and focus on the positive. You got to spend time alone with your grandson who didn't beg sulking or in tears for his parents during that time. That shows that he is a confident chap who is comfortable with separation. That's much more important than what he drinks from.

notanewuser

maman wrote: »

My SIL has recently had a new DGD. The baby's mum is older and has swallowed such amazing rubbish from classes she's been to it's unbelievable. Such that the baby seems to dictate exactly when she'll eat and sleep and how much she'll eat. So it's the infant equivalent of grazing. Result the child is never properly hungry or satisfied. And there seems to be no routine, everything revolves around baby.

Do you think our cave-dwelling ancestors set times and amounts for feeding? Do you think tribes folk across the world do now? Does any other mammal, for that matter?

I'd suggest you do a little more research (of the non-Gina Ford kind) and keep your nose out of it. Sounds like mum is doing the absolute best thing for her new baby. And find something else to gossip about with your SIL. Hideous behaviour.

duchy

Everything revolves around the baby ?
Who'd have thunk it !! Would you prefer she put the baby last on her priority list ?
Bit of neglect never hurt a baby perhaps ? <eye roll>

The baby's Mum "is older" ? Does this mean she isn't a teenager rather than a woman with life experience who makes her own decisions about life and doesn't need to defer to grandma perchance ?

Mums in general ARE older nowadays ..... and better educated - I don't think that is a bad thing -a mother with life experience has more to offer a child than a girl who has done nothing but go from parents to marital home and jumped straight into having babies. Stability (emotional and financial) are important and tend to be present more often in "older" parents .

I feel for some of these DILs- I think I'd suffer from anxiety and depression too if my MIL had been as judgemental as some of the grandmothers posting on here.

I suppose technically I'm a step grandmother ........ I wouldn't dream of talking about my step daughter (or step son)'s child rearing.........My job is to support them not undermine them......and to enjoy their children !

barbiedoll

maman wrote: »

My SIL has recently had a new DGD. The baby's mum is older and has swallowed such amazing rubbish from classes she's been to it's unbelievable. Such that the baby seems to dictate exactly when she'll eat and sleep and how much she'll eat. So it's the infant equivalent of grazing. Result the child is never properly hungry or satisfied. And there seems to be no routine, everything revolves around baby.

This made me laugh! I work with new mums and I meet a lot of new grandmas too. I guess that the mum mentioned above is breastfeeding? The advice is absolutely correct, we now realise that young babies are not really equipped to cope with 4oz of milk every four hours, they have tiny stomachs and need to feed frequently, and they will only take small amounts. They do appear to be constantly hungry (grazing), just like baby birds, they always have their mouth open!

As I'm middle-aged myself, I do often get pulled aside by concerned (not interfering!) grandparents and asked "Why doesn't she just give the baby a bottle? She's obviously exhausted and in pain" etc etc. I also hear a lot of comments along the lines of "In our day we just let them cry, she'll spoil that baby by picking it up all the time" and so on.

Grandparents just have to accept that things are different now. Newborn babies do rule the roost (first born ones anyway ) and women who want to breastfeed, need support, not criticism, however well-meaning.

The best thing that grandparents can offer is time and encouragement, both to the parents and to the grandkids. That will be remembered and appreciated much more than any "helpful" advice!

DevilsAdvocate1

barbiedoll wrote: »

This made me laugh! I work with new mums and I meet a lot of new grandmas too. I guess that the mum mentioned above is breastfeeding? The advice is absolutely correct, we now realise that young babies are not really equipped to cope with 4oz of milk every four hours, they have tiny stomachs and need to feed frequently, and they will only take small amounts. They do appear to be constantly hungry (grazing), just like baby birds, they always have their mouth open!

As I'm middle-aged myself, I do often get pulled aside by concerned (not interfering!) grandparents and asked "Why doesn't she just give the baby a bottle? She's obviously exhausted and in pain" etc etc. I also hear a lot of comments along the lines of "In our day we just let them cry, she'll spoil that baby by picking it up all the time" and so on.

Grandparents just have to accept that things are different now. Newborn babies do rule the roost (first born ones anyway ) and women who want to breastfeed, need support, not criticism, however well-meaning.

The best thing that grandparents can offer is time and encouragement, both to the parents and to the grandkids. That will be remembered and appreciated much more than any "helpful" advice!

This reminded me a of a conversation I had when my youngest was a baby. A stranger started talking to me while we waited for a bus. She commented on how well behaved my children were and that I obviously didn't go in for new fangled ideas.

I asked her what she meant and she told me (with a horrified look) that some mothers feed their babies when the babies demand it instead of at certain times of the day. I replied that it was strange that people nowadays fed their babies when they were hungry! :rotfl:

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

DD's school are obsessed with it. Her nursery class (full time) has children that only turned 3 in August (DD turned 4 in October). I've heard the parents of some of the younger children being told to "make sure he can open his own fruit pot - he needs to be more independent" or "he should be able to put her own coat on by now". Upsetting for children and parents alike, I'd have thought!

Some schools/nurseries overdo their demands for a child to be independent. It does make their lives much easier if the children can do these things but they should be keeping their expectations appropriate to the child's age.