How do other grandparents stop themselves from "interferring"

Nicki

I shudder to think what advice the OP was planning to offer to deal with the child wetting himself! Clearly she feels this is a behavioural issue not a medical one as she's attributing it to him being babied by his mother. This is the definition of outdated advice and the reason why mothers today don't rely on the "experience and wisdom" of the grandparents...

I drink out of a lidded sports bottle at work for convenience. Perhaps I am also developmentally delayed

jetplane

rumncoke wrote: »

How have other grandparents dealt with similar issues?

By biting my tongue, stuffing my face into a pillow, or saying what I would like to say to someone else who will remind me to butt out. I am just a grandma who means well No seriously, when my grandchild was born I asked my daughter to tell me to back off whenever I was in danger of making unwanted advances.

I would say nothing, you only see a snapshot of him compared to his parents and nursery. How do you arrive at the conclusion that he is at least 12 months behind? Emotionally, Physically, Intellectually, Socially?

Your daughter in law does not need to be depressed to take your well meaning advice as criticism. I'm not depressed but can not believe how defensive I feel if someone makes an unwanted remark about my grown up children or grandchild.

Lily-Rose_3

mgdavid wrote: »

where do today's parents get their ideas, information and knowledge about parenting from, if the older, wiser grandparents don't pass it on?

Many grandparents, are older of course, but not always 'wiser.'

Some of the 'advice' and 'tips' my mother used to give me about raising my daughter (now 20) would make people on here cringe. Luckily I didn't take one jot of notice of her.

And some of the things one of my aunts used to do in the 1960s, would get her 2 kids taken into care these days! :eek:

Not abuse; just plain clumsiness and stupidity and mild neglect. I have no idea how they managed to survive into adulthood to be honest. Yet she has never questioned herself and the way she raised them. She is now in her late 70s, and thinks every young mum is doing it 'wrong.' PMSL!

SailorSam

When my two little nieces were little my Mum use to mind them. 'Cos of their Mum & Dad working they'd spend more time at their Nans, perhaps only going home at weekends. So my Sister really depended on her help. Then when they started talking about which school the kids would go to my Sister said they'd decided on the local Catholic prinary. Her husband is Catholic but we're not. But none of us are religious, we only go to church for weddings & funerals, My Nan & Grandad were both in the Orange Lodge so perhaps they were stronger CofE, but not my Mum. Nobody could see why she was saying it and we told her she was wrrong, but she stood her ground and the kids never went the Catholic school. It didn't make a big difference to their Dad 'cos he's not a strong Catholic.

Mojisola

rumncoke wrote: »

Got a just 4 year old GS who is generally very well behaved but is at least 12 months behind where he should be. No development issues just tended to be babied by mom & dad. Nursery are pleased with his progress over the last few months but at home reverts to baby ways.

DH has said to leave them to it, they are his parents & will have to deal with the consequences. I know he is right but it is so hard not to say anything.

Follow your DH's advice. If it's hard, just think that older relatives might have been biting their tongues at seeing how you were bringing up your children!

Going to nursery and school will balance any babying that's going on at home.

balletshoes

rumncoke wrote: »

Got a just 4 year old GS who is generally very well behaved but is at least 12 months behind where he should be. No development issues just tended to be babied by mom & dad. Nursery are pleased with his progress over the last few months but at home reverts to baby ways. Still regularly wets himself, drinks from a lidded childrens sports type bottle, they had never thought that he would drink from a beaker at nursery, but had no problems here over the last week.

The last week has been difficult for me (down with us for Christmas until next Friday, live over 100 miles away) as I have not been 100% well. DS & DIL went shopping before Christmas & he was fine with us, much more like a 4 year old. DH has said to leave them to it, they are his parents & will have to deal with the consequences. I know he is right but it is so hard not to say anything.

DIL does struggle with depression & anxiety so any comments can be seen as critisism when they are meant to be helpful. In the past I have suggested speaking to health visitor/nursery for advice but not gone down well. DS will back DIL all the way (as he should) so having a word with him on his own is again seen as critisism of DIL.

How have other grandparents dealt with similar issues?

you already know your DH is right, you just have to bite your tongue if needs be. Its not any different from any other situation in life - you know you shouldn't be saying anything, so don't - think before you speak .

balletshoes

mgdavid wrote: »

where do today's parents get their ideas, information and knowledge about parenting from, if the older, wiser grandparents don't pass it on?

from their health professionals, from friends with babies, from research?

Things move on so quickly, even year to year advice on babies/toddler care differs.

vroombroom

Oh, OP, I have sympathy for you as we have experienced something a bit similar.

We went to ILs on Boxing Day for tea and the SIL was there with her 10 year old and 6 year old. She has recently split with her hubby and has a new boyfriend. She spent the entire time on her phone texting and the children - my god, I was disgusted. They have always been very spolit and indulged but their behaviour gets swept under the carpet. The younger was burping in my face, touching food, spitting it out and telling his mother to eff off. The elder was demanding - get me this, get me that, I don't like this, calling my FIL fat and all sorts. This is in front of my three year old. Not one of them said anything to them to reprimand them other than be quiet.
I ended up faking a sore stomach to leave. I absolutely disgusted. If that had been me talking to my elders like that at that age, I would have been wholloped. Had it been my son, we would have left and all his new toys taken off him until he had apologised. But then my son has never spoken or acted like that to anyone. He knows better;)

I was biting my lip so hard not to say anything but I will be politely declining any further invitations where they will be there (NYE for example).

pickledonionspaceraider

I think it is a bad idea to offer opinions - as it infers that you feel they are not doing a good enough job - as in 'you could be doing it better' - how ever well intentioned it may be.

I'd steer well clear

Mrs_Soup

I think you just bite your tongue unless invited to give advice. I have a four year old who sometimes drinks from a lidded cup so it doesn't spill all over him and my car- he uses an open cup perfectly well when sitting still. He also has the odd accident and be warned it is not that uncommon for children to not be dry at night until they are 6 or more (usually boys). The only time I think you have the right to say anything is if a child is in your house and not behaving appropriately towards your things/property in which case tell him what behaviour you expect if his parents don't.
Remember all children are different and what you think is 4 year old behaviour may just be what your 4 year old was like. That said clearly you are a loving and concerned grandparent but be a grandparent- not a parent. You had your turn at being a parent. Your daughter in law lives with your parenting mistakes on a daily basis whereas you don't have to live with hers!