Coping with Xmas Day - help please

Abbafan1972

I hope you have a good day after all this.

I couldn't have help noticing that you said the in-laws won't go out for Xmas dinner as they don't like people working on Xmas day, but they still go to the pub where there's bar staff working. How hypocritical!

lao_cat

My oh also doesn't drive and tbh his family are a PITA. Honestly I would be inclined to drop him on Christmas Eve and collect him on Stephens day, I did that a few times before we have DS. Or I dropped him Christmas Eve as called in Christmas night an stayed over. His mum passed away this year and am glad I always supported him in spending time with his family, I just did it in a way that worked me.

kerri_gt

Anything involving more than one person esp families invariably ends up being about compromise. OH has invited some of his friends for Xmas dinner this year, whilst it would be more relaxing for me just to cook for family (easier to say 'sorry the cat dragged the turkey off into the garden, it's beans on tosst for dinner to just family ) I know they appreciate it and would otherwise be on their own. I've been to six funerals this year, there'll be six empty spaces at various dinner tables this xmas day, kind of puts some things into perspective for me this year.

Andypandyboy

kerri_gt wrote: »

Anything involving more than one person esp families invariably ends up being about compromise. OH has invited some of his friends for Xmas dinner this year, whilst it would be more relaxing for me just to cook for family (easier to say 'sorry the cat dragged the turkey off into the garden, it's beans on tosst for dinner to just family ) I know they appreciate it and would otherwise be on their own. I've been to six funerals this year, there'll be six empty spaces at various dinner tables this xmas day, kind of puts some things into perspective for me this year.

Yes, this is worth pondering I think........

squirrelchops

I bet OP and husband turn up later and all of a sudden the in laws have dinner cooked on time and blame them for turning up late and ruining the food!!!

FBaby

Make this the last year that you have to suffer this OP and sort out a meal out/holiday/alternative dinner with friends for next year. There's no law that says you have to spend every single Christmas Day with family, you are perfectly entitled to insist that you do something else at least on alternate years.

That might do a lot of good to their relationship though. If my OH couldn't make an effort to 'bear' my family one day a year and threw a tantrum over it and decide to sulk and go elsewhere with friends the following year. I wouldn't stop him, but I certainly would feel much less inclined to make efforts in return, and that is not the way forward to a healthy relationship.

Mojisola

DFlights wrote: »

Partner and I have tried to do the Xmas day in turns; eg, one year we have a quiet one together, the next year we go to his parents' house (I don't have contact with my family).

barbiedoll wrote: »

Make this the last year that you have to suffer this OP and sort out a meal out/holiday/alternative dinner with friends for next year. There's no law that says you have to spend every single Christmas Day with family, you are perfectly entitled to insist that you do something else at least on alternate years.

They already do this so it's only one day every two years that has to be endured.

Just changing the time of arrival may make it bearable - if not, there's lots of other good advice about how to manage the other problems.

Primrose

Why not diversify the occasions in future and suggest that as Christmas always gets fraught for everybody you all meet up somewhere for a leiaurely hotel lunch or dinner in early December? This way the timing is more controlled and being in a neutral environment you can all be more in control without anybody laying down the dress code or other rules. You still all have a pre christmas gsthering yet everybody gets to spend the Christmas Day of their choice in their own-home. Do they have computers or Ipads with Skype so that you can still all link up on Christmas Day?

FBaby

Why not diversify the occasions in future and suggest that as Christmas always gets fraught for everybody you all meet up somewhere for a leiaurely hotel lunch or dinner in early December?

Maybe because they don't want that? Why should a whole family change their plan just for OP? In the end, OP has the choice not to go at all, but again, might not be the best move for her relationship.

Peter333

Primrose wrote: »

Why not diversify the occasions in future and suggest that as Christmas always gets fraught for everybody you all meet up somewhere for a leisurely hotel lunch or dinner in early December? This way the timing is more controlled and being in a neutral environment you can all be more in control without anybody laying down the dress code or other rules. You still all have a pre christmas gathering yet everybody gets to spend the Christmas Day of their choice in their own-home. Do they have computers or Ipads with Skype so that you can still all link up on Christmas Day?

This sounds like a plan.

I am not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time for not wanting to do go to her other half's parents for Christmas, and feeling anxious about it. My wife is a bit like this; she likes going out to meet people at the pub and she enjoys social events at a venue, like the village hall or a social club, but she is not fond of people coming around our house (apart from our children!) and she doesn't know what time they're going.

She also feels uneasy at other peoples homes, having to make smalltalk and not able to fully relax. On the occasions we do have someone else around, we say 'come at about 2pm... we have to go out at 4, but that gives us a couple of hours!' So we know they will be gone after 2 hours. Say what you like about this, but this is the way we are.

Our 2 children who have left home don't come Christmas day or Boxing day; we see them Christmas Eve and on the 27th and usually get together on new year, and that suits us all. I don't see this desperation to spend Christmas day at someone else's house. I literally cannot be bothered. If I don't want to then I won't., and I fail to see why the OP should be emotionally blackmailed into it. Why can't they just see them a few days before, and spend Christmas in their own home? Luckily my wife and I see eye to eye about this and there has never been any conflict.

We see family before Christmas, have a drink, swap presents, and then have Christmas Eve from midday, Christmas day and Boxing day to ourselves. We are working people, we are adults, and I don't see why we should be dictated to by some family member who insists on sticking to their traditions. OUR traditions are to stay in OUR home, and have Christmas with just the two of us and our daughter who still lives at home. This year actually, she is going to her boyfriend's on Boxing day, and we do not mind: if that's what she wants to do. Where do people get off in planning peoples lives for them, and insisting they fit around them?

It must be a pain though, if your other half does not see eye to eye with you about this. I think the only answer would be to say 'I want to spend Christmas in my own home; let's visit your family say the 23rd?' He should meet you halfway, surely? His parents do sound a bit controlling to me, and it sounds OP, like your other half is afraid of offending them.

Oh and it would also grate on me if my other half could not drive, and expected me to be a chauffeur.