Coping with Xmas Day - help please

jaylee3

notanewuser wrote: »

I think xmas is rife with this though. Through the years families do establish traditions and it's often hard as an outsider to fit in or understand it. We spent the first xmas together with my inlaws. (My relationship with them is well documented but to say it was a baptism of fire is an understatement.). They live a few hundred miles away. Their family is enormous, so xmas day was a series of car journeys to collect various relatives, drawing straws to see who wouldn't be drinking so that they could do the return trips.

Once assembled, there were nigh on 20 people (all adults) in a room that can comfortably seat 5. Dinner was served on 4 sets of garden furniture all squashed together, with the boys competing to see who could fit the most on their plates. Arms and elbows everywhere. All of the puddings were drenched in booze - sherry trifle, xmas pud with brandy butter and brandy sauce etc. and nowhere to sit afterwards. As someone used to very small, calm xmases it was completely overwhelming. We haven't done it since.

(There are fewer adults now but 6 small grandchildren (including our own daughter) and the thought just fills me with horror.)

Since that first xmas we've established a different routine. I often worked xmas, which was the perfect excuse, (and when I didn't we'd go away with friends) and so we'd go and visit them at some point in December, arranging a family meal in a local pub instead. Much calmer, and no need for any stress. We have a gathering with my (much smaller) family at another December weekend leaving xmas day as a day when we can do anything we like.

What a palava! :rotfl: Sounds like a National Lampoon movie! It actually sounds like it was a lot of fun and a bit of a laugh by the way you have described it, but I am guessing the reality was quite different.

FatVonD

notanewuser wrote: »

How can they though? Just say you're not doing it and don't go?! They can't make you!

Pollycat wrote: »

Exactly!

Stand up to them and say 'no'.

Unless of course, your OH actually wants to go to theirs for Christmas - in which case it's him you have the issue with, rather than your in-laws.

If you are all of the same mind, I'd start by setting their expectations for next year early (I think it's probably too late for this year) by saying how Christmas 2015 is going to go down for you.

Every year DH moans about having to drive all over the place and not being able to drink and every year we say we'll do what we want *next* year and then when it comes down to it DH just can't say 'no' to his parents.

We thought we'd have it our way this year when BIL and SIL invited the inlaws to lunch and then 'us lot' to join them in the evening. Very kind of them but they live an hour away and DH's kids are usually dropped back to their mum at about 7pm if we've had them for lunch so we declined.

The next thing I knew I had FIL on the phone, tried to pass him over to DH but he insisted it was me he wanted to speak to, saying he would pay for all of us to go out to a restaurant near BIL and SIL's then back there for the afternoon until the kids needed to go back at 7pm.

DH was agreeing to it in the background and I was put on the spot and would have looked like the difficult one again if I didn't agree, (don't want to go into too much detail but we've already fallen out recently with him writing me a foul letter calling me a bully etc etc.) so that's what we're doing.

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

DH was agreeing to it in the background and I was put on the spot and would have looked like the difficult one again if I didn't agree,

I go for the "DH and I will have a chat about it and let you know" rather than be pushed into an instant decision.

notanewuser

jaylee3 wrote: »

What a palava! :rotfl: Sounds like a National Lampoon movie! It actually sounds like it was a lot of fun and a bit of a laugh by the way you have described it, but I am guessing the reality was quite different.

I should have mentioned the 8ft xmas tree in the tiny living room, rabbit that lived in the kitchen and enormous farting labrador too.......

I can laugh about it now, but the thought of repeating it gives me goosebumps! :rotfl:

Faith177

This will be me next year and im dreading it already

I cannot stand OH's mum but as we are spending this year with my mum we have to spend it with them next year

My only hope is that my brother wont be able to get time off and my mum will be on her own and then I will have to go to my mum as she can't possibly be all on her own at Christmas can she

Their idea of Christmas is totally different to my families they just spend the whole day getting plastered and my MIL stressing in the kitchen that no-one is helping but then won't accept any help if offered

As mine we have a few drinks but nothing OTT and everyone just mucks in and gets on with it

Plus at my mums we have a bed and a room at MIL we have to sleep on a concrete floor with a sleeping bag and her poxy grandfather clock striking every 30 mins :mad: Oh yeah and to cap it off she turns the heating off in the front room so we end up freezing our assets

We offered to bring a blow up bed with us as we have a couple but she refused to let us use it and she won't let us have a duvet as it takes up too much space during the day

FatVonD

Mojisola wrote: »

I go for the "DH and I will have a chat about it and let you know" rather than be pushed into an instant decision.

Good idea, I will tuck that one away for future use!

Do you have any ideas for getting out of the adults only 'family' lunch at the inlaws just 3 days after Christmas we were invited to yesterday to which DH told them we were free without consulting me first?

notanewuser

Faith177 wrote: »

This will be me next year and im dreading it already

I cannot stand OH's mum but as we are spending this year with my mum we have to spend it with them next year

My only hope is that my brother wont be able to get time off and my mum will be on her own and then I will have to go to my mum as she can't possibly be all on her own at Christmas can she ;-)

I don't want to appear mocking, but try reading that back. It's ridiculous! You don't have to do anything. Book a cottage at the other end of the country for next year and break the cycle!

notanewuser

FatVonD wrote: »

Good idea, I will tuck that one away for future use!

Do have any ideas for getting out of the adults only 'family' lunch at the inlaws just 3 days after Christmas we were invited to yesterday to which DH told them we were free without consulting me first?

Explain to him why you'd rather not do it, then get him to ring them and say "really sorry, I'd forgotten/didn't know we'd agreed to do something else that day".

Faith177

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't want to appear mocking, but try reading that back. It's ridiculous! You don't have to do anything. Book a cottage at the other end of the country for next year and break the cycle!

Trust me I would love too but OH's mum lays the guilt trip on with several spades and a truck (part of the reason I can't stand her)

We have already had the tears and tanties this year because she was originally only going to have 1 of the 3 sons home at Christmas this year.

Also if we tried to do a house share OH's mum wouldn't travel anywhere as "she doesn't do travelling" and her and her partner wouldn't put their hand in their pocket so we would be stuck with the bill

red_devil

They sound boring can they not lighten up and tell some jokes or funnies on the day instead of moaning about the world. As for dressing up why?

Your not having dinner with the queen just family.
Its natural that people want to be with ppl who are relaxed and where they can enjoy themselbes and relax and have fun is that the main thing have fun.

if ppl dont enjoy their company they have to look to themselves and perhaps lighten up a little.