Coping with Xmas Day - help please

DFlights

So calling late in the evening isn't rude either? When they've been politely asked not to call after a certain time, and continued to do so? My OH was out for the evening with friends, I thought something unpleasant had happened.

Lovely though they are, they can also be very thoughtless; they didn't like it one bit when I said that I couldn't make it to a family wedding on New Year's Day, but that OH was more than welcome to make arrangements to get there. They were pushing and pushing for me to go, it nearly ended up in an argument. I think they think that because I drive and we live together, it's okay for me drive OH to any of these events, even if they're hours away.

Trust me, they are very inflexible and wouldn't consider changing one single thing about the way they do Christmas, so a lot of other people's suggestions are unfortunately out of the question. I'd love to treat them all to a meal out somewhere nice on the day, but they won't hear of it, and they also won't hear of doing the meet up on any day other than Xmas day, so no Boxing Day, Xmas Eve, etc.

I do often go out of my way to make OH and his family happy; I just dread Xmas at theirs because it's not the fun-filled family time it should be - it's stressed out, inflexible, but with no set times to eat so we never know whether to have a big breakfast, lunch, etc before the meal, and believe me, drunken arguments between the parents have happened on more than one occasion as the stress levels rise through the day. Nobody can really relax.

Anyway, it appears now that we're going later, and hopefully leaving by five or six pm, so with luck, they'll have calmed down, not had too many by the time we get there, and we can all just sit down and relax a bit.

notanewuser

FatVonD wrote: »

Totally agree with this, unfortunately my inlaws insist on calling all the shots and manipulating everyone to do what they want to do without giving it a thought that we are a family unit ourselves and might like to spend Christmas in our own home with our own children.

How can they though? Just say you're not doing it and don't go?! They can't make you!

Pollycat

notanewuser wrote: »

How can they though? Just say you're not doing it and don't go?! They can't make you!

Exactly!

Stand up to them and say 'no'.

Unless of course, your OH actually wants to go to theirs for Christmas - in which case it's him you have the issue with, rather than your in-laws.

If you are all of the same mind, I'd start by setting their expectations for next year early (I think it's probably too late for this year) by saying how Christmas 2015 is going to go down for you.

Primrose

I think people rather make a rod for their own backs over Christmas arrangements. Once you marry and become a family unit of your own everybody has to recognise that new rules apply which will have to be negotiated on an individual basis. This calls for flexibility and compromise from all parties and those who refuse to compromise run the risk of finding themselves left out in the cold if they make such occasions so unpleasant that nobody wants to join them. My M-i-L was a chain smoker and being asthmatic i couldn't cope being in a room or house with somebody smoking all day so Christmas and other visits had to be severely rationed. She took it very personally and refused to visit our house at all after my husband asked her to go outside and smoke. We weren,t trying to punish her but she had no conception of what effect this habit had on the health of others.

margaretclare

I sympathise, Primrose. When we all came back from my first husband's funeral in 1992 I declared the house to be a non-smoking zone. He would have lived longer if he hadn't insisted on clinging on to that habit.

People have been here and expected to smoke, they had no choice but to go outside in the garden even if it was snowing. I also don't visit anyone's house if I know they will be smoking in front of me. I can't stand the stink in my hair and clothes.

Mojisola

Skintski wrote: »

Why should they? This is their family Xmas in their own home. "When in Rome" and all that. I wouldn't expect anyone who had invited me over to change their day for me.

I look at it the other way - when I invite people to my place, I'd be quite willing to adapt our usual routines to fit in with their needs.

Family traditions aren't set in stone. Every time a new member joins the family or life changes for a current member, how we celebrate events changes to accommodate people's needs. As long as everyone is willing to be flexible and fit in, most people's requirements can be accommodated.

If the OP's in-laws totally refuse to change what they do, then I'd have a lazy morning at home and arrive in time for the meal or just not go on Christmas Day at all. It obviously doesn't matter much whether they have visitors or not because they do their own thing so a visit on Boxing Day instead might be the best way forward.

notanewuser

I think xmas is rife with this though. Through the years families do establish traditions and it's often hard as an outsider to fit in or understand it. We spent the first xmas together with my inlaws. (My relationship with them is well documented but to say it was a baptism of fire is an understatement.). They live a few hundred miles away. Their family is enormous, so xmas day was a series of car journeys to collect various relatives, drawing straws to see who wouldn't be drinking so that they could do the return trips. Once assembled, there were nigh on 20 people (all adults) in a room that can comfortably seat 5. Dinner was served on 4 sets of garden furniture all squashed together, with the boys competing to see who could fit the most on their plates. Arms and elbows everywhere. All of the puddings were drenched in booze - sherry trifle, xmas pud with brandy butter and brandy sauce etc. and nowhere to sit afterwards. As someone used to very small, calm xmases it was completely overwhelming. We haven't done it since. (There are fewer adults now but 6 small grandchildren (including our own daughter) and the thought just fills me with horror.)

Since that first xmas we've established a different routine. I often worked xmas, which was the perfect excuse, (and when I didn't we'd go away with friends) and so we'd go and visit them at some point in December, arranging a family meal in a local pub instead. Much calmer, and no need for any stress. We have a gathering with my (much smaller) family at another December weekend leaving xmas day as a day when we can do anything we like.

DH has mentioned having xmas day up there once I think. I think that's through some sort of guilt though. He certainly hasn't pushed it. If he really really wanted to go, I would, but there would have to be some ground rules set first so that we could relax and still spend time together away from hordes of people. For now our way works best for us and means there's no fighting over who is where for xmas day.

maman

margaretclare wrote: »

I sympathise, Primrose. When we all came back from my first husband's funeral in 1992 I declared the house to be a non-smoking zone. He would have lived longer if he hadn't insisted on clinging on to that habit.

People have been here and expected to smoke, they had no choice but to go outside in the garden even if it was snowing. I also don't visit anyone's house if I know they will be smoking in front of me. I can't stand the stink in my hair and clothes.

I can understand what you're saying mc, you're doing a version of 'my house, my rules' whereas others are insisting that the OP's in-laws should be flexible.


IMO she should just accept that they are as they are and just decide whether she can put up with it for the day (and go) or not (and stay at home). It seems a compromise has been reached in that they just shorten the time she has to put up with it.


I had a similar situation with my DD2 when she got a dog. The following Christmas Day she arrived with her dog and all it's paraphernalia and thought she was going to put the dog's bed in the kitchen. Not only would the dog not stay in it's bed but there isn't really room. I put the dog in the conservatory and made it stay there while I was cooking and when we were eating. DD accepted it but kept looking out through the window making the dog excited. She hasn't been on Christmas Day since. She comes on other days when she can leave her dog with someone. I can live with that as I know if she wanted to bring her dog I wouldn't change my mind. So, I'm inflexible?

Mojisola

maman wrote: »

I can understand what you're saying mc, you're doing a version of 'my house, my rules' whereas others are insisting that the OP's in-laws should be flexible.

It's best if people can compromise. Neither should have to give way completely.

There will be some things that the host won't compromise on such as not smoking indoors, visitors bringing pets with them, timing the day around a certain church service or meet-up with friends at the pub, etc, and there will be some sticking points for the visitors.

If some of the 'non-compromise' details clash, then it's best not to try to have the day together.

Metranil_Vavin

Maybe I am just incredibly lucky, but I have never been under any pressure to spend Christmas anywhere! My mum and Dad always said to us as soon as we became adults and had relationships/children etc, that we should spend it where we wanted to..which made me want to speand it more with them than if they had been pushy about it!


OH's parents would ideally like us all to go up to them for Xmas as his mum loves the whole thing and likes having all the family around, but she's never sulked or stropped when we haven't been able to get up there. We simply go up another day and have another Christmas with his family.


My Dad died suddently this year and I'm already struggling with the loss of him being here. We are hosting Christmas for my mum and brother, and my main aim is to make it as nice as possible for them having had a dreadful year so far. OH's parents understand completely and we will be heading up there on the 27th to celebrate with our 2 children...no fuss, no stress.


Honestly I can't understand whey people get so Christmaszilla about what days what happens! as long as you aren't on your own (unless you want to be), then really is it worth causing so much simmering resentment with relations that clearly don't wnat to be dictated to?


I aim to be the same when my kids grow up, and hope to see them over Christmases but when it works for them, not when I demand it!