Coping with Xmas Day - help please

lostinrates

I do get on with OH's parents, really I do, but they're from a different generation and not terribly liberal in their outlook, so very different to my values, and I feel very uncomfortable when they start going on about Christianity, how strange I am for not being all that bothered, etc.

There are things you can draw lines in the sand over; you should turn your face if you'll accept a kiss on the cheek, but not the lips, and never feel obliged to be kissed where you don't want to be, and arrange to arrive later, as suggested. This part of your post stood out to me for two reasons. Firstly, there is every chance they feel they don't understand your generation/ way of living and find some of your ways and stances uncomfortable but get along with you too, indeed, are accepting and welcoming of you. Secondly, as illiberal as you are perceiving them and their opinions, in actuality you to appear to be a little illiberal in not affording them coutesy to host as their family custom has developed or to respect their right to hold different views, opinions and values.

Dress up. As some one who feels the cold I heartily recommend thermals under formal clothes. Long johns and a thermal vest can sneak under surprising variety of formal wear. Watch the speech and think about next weeks shopping if need be, or use it to confirm your opinion, or perhaps see redeeming feature. If you do something do it with gusto, otherwise it will make the day no better for you and uncomfortable for the others.

If you husband is physically/ legally able to drive and just hasn't give him lessons for birthdays and Christmases from now on.

74jax

I agree with most on here.

As you are driving, say to OH you will have him at his parents for 6pm. If he wishes to go earlier it is up to him how he gets there.

I would tell him now this is the last year you will drive, he has a full year to learn or make alternative plans for next Christmas.

I would get dressed up as it is their house and they requested it, it would seem rude to me not too.

I would look on it as the last year you have to do this, so make the most of it.

CRANKY40

flossy_splodge wrote: »

OMG what a selfish self focussed world you live in. :eek:

I disagree. The OP does however seem to ring true for being higher up the autistic spectrum than most people. The kind of day that the OP describes with no order and no set meal times would totally stress me out.

As far as I can see, it's the disorder of the day that is stressing the OP, not the actual act of visiting. I suspect that if it was a "get there, open presents, dinner at 2pm, watch a bit of tv, leave at 6pm day" that the OP would be fine about it. It's the chaos that is difficult, not the visit.

As for selfish and self centred, well I would love to be one of those spontaneous types of people that leave for holidays at the blink of an eye, is able to do last minute stuff and doesn't worry about get togethers with other people. I'm not, I have to have everything planned in detail months in advance for holiday. Even meeting my cousins to exchange presents today is stressing me out as I don't know the plan - has my cousin made food, how long will we be expected to stay....I don't know. It's the "don't knowingness" that's the problem and that's the bit that people that don't get anxious at that sort of thing will never understand.

FBaby

Ever considered how nice it would be to make someone else happy instead of just thinking about yourself?

I'm afraid this was my thought too. Is it really that horrendous to give one day a year to your partner so that HE is happy?

I don't like Christmas and all the tradition that comes with it. It has always made me feel nervous and if it was up to me, I would be happy to eat what I want, when I want, how I want, watch what I want etc...

However, OH always had a traditional Christmas. His family loves it, it means a lot to them and I respect that. So every year, I go along with it and play the part. And you know what? It really isn't that bad because once I accepted that for me, it is a case of getting over the day, I start to relax and realise that being able to enjoy a meal with a family who accepted me opened armed, who have bothered to come up with a present they thought I would like (even if I don't), being given the chance to see my OH happy and realise how lucky I am to have him, well, it suddenly makes a feel humble that I am very fortunate to be where I am. Before I know it, the day is over.

If you don't want to enjoy yourself that day, don't ruin it for others. Make an effort and maybe one day, it will be paid off with these same people making an effort for you too.

mummyroysof3

I agree with those who say it's the not knowing that adds to the stress. I assumed people pick a time to eat then work out from that when everything needs starting to cook.

What time does your oh want to arrive op?

BrassicWoman

I don't care that it's three times the normal price, we go out for xmas dinner every year now. Someone else to stress about cooking and take the blame if it's off, served on time, !!!!!y people have other people's kids to moan about, not me.

I am never, ever doing a home cooked xmas with someone else's choice of telly again!

barbiedoll

I don't think OP is being selfish at all but I do think that her DH and her in-laws are.

She's expected to dress formally and then drive some distance in order to deliver her DH to his parents so that they can all go to the pub for a few hours whilst OP sits there nursing an orange juice and a packet of crisps.

She then has to starve for the rest of the day, in the company of a slightly sozzled, stressed MIL, who dictates what she can watch on the telly, when she can open her presents and what time she is "allowed" to leave, in order to drive back home late at night. I'm not surprised that OP is not looking forward to it!

Make this the last year that you have to suffer this OP and sort out a meal out/holiday/alternative dinner with friends for next year. There's no law that says you have to spend every single Christmas Day with family, you are perfectly entitled to insist that you do something else at least on alternate years.

On a practical note, take some sandwiches/snacks for the long hours before dinner, take your camera and go for a walk (you can eat your sarnies in the fresh air!) and leave them to it. Don't get involved in conversations about Christianity, the state of the country, Ebola etc etc etc. Can you get a friend to call you in the late afternoon/early evening so that you can have a chat with someone to get it off your chest a bit? (My best mate always rings me on Xmas morning, just so we can both have a 10 minute moan about everything )

Grit your teeth and after the dust has settled, have a good chat with your DH about how this is not going to happen again next year.
And get him some driving lessons!

DFlights

Thanks for the replies, this morning there was an update; OH rang me from work and he says that he thought we were going later anyway?! So it looks like the plan all along, that I was unaware of, would be to go later in the day, say lunchtime or mid-afternoon (depending on when dinner's likely to be ready) then leave later (though I'd still like a set time to leave, but I guess we'll have to sort that out).

It's absolutely definitely the stress of nothing being properly organised that really gets to me, and having to go along wth other people's timing, or lack of. As to being on the autistic spectrum I haven't a clue, never been diagnosed, but I do have some of the more known symptoms of such. As an adult, I don't think it's worth trying for a diagnosis.

Driving lessons - very sore point, not going to bring it up until past Christmas. OH knows that he can't use me as a free taxi any more, and only special trips like this are on the cards, everything else, he gets public transport. I pay everything for the car except the occasional tank of fuel that might come out of the joint account money, so it was getting very expensive to be running another person and members of his family around the country. So that has mostly stopped.
But that can wait. Quite frankly, if it gets too expensive, I've told him that the car will be SORNed, the only reason I have it is because I'm self employed and need to get around securely with my stock.

Anyway, at least one issue has been resolved - we're arriving a lot later than I thought we would be, so we can skip the pub/stressed-out cooking/waiting around, and hopefully help with the washing up.

2gorgeousgirls

Wouldn't it be awful (not) if the car broke down Christmas eve. Now, where would you get it repaired when everything has shut down for Christmas? (Not difficult to remove a fuse for electrics, just check the handbook)

But it's alright, you have enough stuff in the freezer/cupboard to cobble together a Christmas dinner for you and OH and ample supplies of bourbon.

What a shame you can't make it to in-laws!

tea_lover

2gorgeousgirls wrote: »

Wouldn't it be awful (not) if the car broke down Christmas eve. Now, where would you get it repaired when everything has shut down for Christmas? (Not difficult to remove a fuse for electrics, just check the handbook)

But it's alright, you have enough stuff in the freezer/cupboard to cobble together a Christmas dinner for you and OH and ample supplies of bourbon.

What a shame you can't make it to in-laws!

It would be incredibly rude to not turn up when you've said you are going and people have spent time and money catering for you.